Stamped: June 8th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town.

Imagine if you will that you have been given the opportunity to switch bodies with someone for a day and for some godforsaken reason you picked me. To save you the time and trouble of a wasted body-switch-wish I shall give you a preview of what to expect.

At approximately 6am your alarm will go off. You will hit the snooze button and wonder where the hell you are… and not because you're me, or I'm you, but because that is precisely what I think to myself each and every morning. Then you will wonder whether you hit the snooze button or the off button. You will be so concerned about oversleeping that you will reset your alarm for 10 minutes in the future. At this point you are already awake so you just turn the damn thing off (of course you don't reset it for the original earlier time so the next morning when you think you've got 4 snoozes, you've actually only got 3 and you will oversleep). Then you make my bed (you'd better, because if I get back and that bed's not made…). I will skip all the hygiene particulars, but please for godsake brush my teeth, and if you know anything about make-up could you show me some pointers.

This is where the fun starts.

Now, you've got to run and catch the shuttle to the subway. Don't miss the 8am one 'cause it throws the whole schedule off. Once on the subway notice how nobody looks at you. How you might as well be invisible. How the thought comes to mind, "well, if I were the last woman on earth then I'd be looking pretty damn good," and you find yourself scowling. But the upside is that you're the only woman on the train not reading a book with an over-designed cover containing 'sisterhood' somewhere in the title. You are either reading a heady super-intellectual novel or the train evacuation information for the 500th time, you know though that if the train were to get stuck in the tunnel you'd be the first one kicking at the windows saying "how the hell do we get outta here?".

Once you emerge from the subway at 33rd street you find your place in the steady stream of people until you hit 34th. There you will find the disjointed tourists who don't understand how to exist inside managed chaos. These tourist folks love to walk in horizontal lines of 5-6 across like bouncers assigned to crowd control. You've learned by now that if they are walking toward you in this formation you are absolutely under no circumstances to look them in the eye, but charge forth breaking through the imaginary chain binding their polyesther-clad fannies. They will curse you, "gawd, new yorkers are sooo rude". But you'll get a special thrill knowing that someone finally noticed you.

After work it will be all the same in reverse, except of course you're not walking backwards.

Once home, you'll cook a nutritious dinner for your son and pour yourself a glass of wine. Afterwards you both get into your comfy clothes. You: undie-shorts and a tank top. Your son: his bvd's, since the heat's kicked up he's taken to running around in nothing but his chonies. You two are quite an attractive site. You imagine if you were dating and the guy came over and saw this, would he run for the hills or pull his pants down and join in? Who are you kidding, he'd run…and if he didn't you'd probably find a way not to like him.

When you finally climb into bed you are reminded why it's great to be single: sleeping diagonally.

This concludes the tour of Meme. Thank you for visiting, come back anytime!

Last 5 posts by Meme

• Mama don't Preach - May 18th, 2007
• You don't have to Fuck Me twice to get the point across - May 11th, 2007
• Update: Newsworthy? - May 4th, 2007
• Nipples, Pasties and Lesbians - April 27th, 2007
• Vagina! - April 20th, 2007