Stamped: August 31st, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., cry for help, dates of yore, dating hijinks, emergency, friends and losers, neuroses, what the...?™.

In an effort to indulge my dear readers with juicy tidbits from my past I bring to you today's installment of Dates of Yore. In this segment I will divulge certain details about dates I went on in San Francisco. Please sit back and enjoy.

Naked Lawyer Guy

Lawyer, Mid-thirties, Son of a high ranking Iranian Military official.

It started innocently enough, a romantic lunch at a Belden Alley eatery. Giggles and wine, some smooching. He sent a follow up email within the appropriate amount of time. Unfortunately he was leaving in a few days to Monaco for a month and by the time he got back I was leaving for a year in Italy. Needless to say, it looked as though our future was not meant to be.

When I returned from Italy he had heard through friends that I was back and called me for a second date. I put him off for a few months while I finished writing my thesis. When we finally went out, we met up at some posh joint on the Embarcadero. He ordered drinks and proceeded to tell me that he was a man-slut. I laughed and said "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, no you're not." He said, "I am, really." I responded, "So why, then, have you been chasing me down for the past year +?" "Cause you're hot." I wasn't buying any of this, it reeked of fear of commitment.

After dinner and a bottle of wine I wasn't ready to drive home so we went for a stroll. Somehow he had steered me to the front of his building. He asked me up and I said no thanks. Then he begged, saying that he wanted me to see the new condo he had recently bought. I caved and we went up. Once inside, I sat in the livingroom flipping through a family photo album while he went to the restroom. When he came out he was stark naked, alas the man-slut. I told him to put his clothes back on and that I had to leave. He was gentlemanly enough to dress and walk me to my car. When we got to my car there was a parking ticket. He grabbed the ticket from the windshield, leaned over and kissed me and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this."

Two weeks later the second notice came, I paid it.

Bad Teeth Guy

Teacher, Late-twenties, PhD. Berkeley.

Bad teeth guy was one of my first adventures in online dating. We had amazing conversations over the phone and decided to finally meet. We met for oysters at a small restaurant in Berkeley on Fourth Street. As soon as he walked in I was relieved, he was handsome. Then he smiled and he had the most fucked-up teeth I'd ever seen. Throughout the evening I kept telling myself, 'Meme, don't be so shallow. They're just teeth. He's brilliant and funny, get over it.'

So, let me premise this by saying that I have no qualms whatsoever about paying for dates. I just don't like going dutch. I prefer when one or the other pays…it all evens out later. When the check came I put my credit card on it. He took the check, my credit card and his and instructed the waitress which items went on which card. Whatever, right?

On our next date we decided to meet up for lunch downtown Oakland. He picks out this quaint lunch spot with outdoor seating, the kind where you order at the counter and they bring you your food. We order sandwiches and I hand him a 20 dollar bill. I notice that he pulls out a 5 dollar bill, uses both to pay. takes the change and puts it in his pocket, not even a dime in the tip jar. Needless to say, I was irritated by this, clearly the man had money issues. I quickly ate my lunch and suggested we check out the farmer's market a block over. I decide to buy a huge bag of oranges, he stands idly beside me probably irked by the fact that I didn't try to haggle down the price. As we return to my car he walks ten paces ahead of me while I'm struggling behind him with my bag of oranges and the left-overs from lunch. Swinging his arms from side to side, he turns to me and says "Where the heck did you park?"

I decided, when it came down to it, those were some fucked-up teeth.

Last 5 posts by Meme

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