Missy Possessiveness
Stamped: September 5th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dating hijinks, work.
I have been nursing a fucking hangover all weekend no thanks to what appeared to be a small vat of Jagermeister and a few bottles of Ketel One. Somewhere between Friday night and today I have gotten calls from idiots who demand attention obviously because their friggin' egos can NOT take another beating. I wish people weren't so needy or curious or had too much time on their hands like DH — who apparently reads the Internet and apparently searches for my name and apparently found this site.
"Why the fuck are you writing about me on that stupid blog?" he asks me.
"Why the fuck are you calling me when I told you to stop calling me?" I ask him.
"Why the fuck are you writing about me on that blog?" he asks me again.
"Why the fuck are you asking me the same question two times in a row?" I ask him.
"Why the fuck-!?" he says, stammering.
I hang up the phone. He calls me back. I hang up the phone. He sends me a text message that looks like he's typed it with his OWN FRIGGIN TOES. It says something like, "B:Y8hh you stop or else." I write him back and text message, "B:Y8hh dskjl8 a;kl,,!!"
Then he calls my cell again.
"Why the fuck are you sending me gibberish on my cell phone, bitch?" he says.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. He stammers away about defamation of character, to which I tell him there are like a million people with the initials DH in the World who also are sick and lick sucking toes to which he has nothing to say which soon ends in a silence on the other end of the phone to which I hang up on. Then the cell rings again.
This time, of course, I wish it had been DH because it was my Enema-Boss. Thinking it was DH, I answer the damn thing and don't look at the Caller I.D.. which is Enema B's home phone — which she calls from when she wants me to not know it's her which means she's calling to ask me to be her slave wench again. Low and behold, she lowers the boom on me.
"I'm going to have to ask you to come in tomorrow." she says.
"Uh huh," I say. (I'm good at saying Uh Huh to her, because it's the only thing that keeps me from calling her a dumbass.)
"I know it's a holiday, darling — but just in case anyone calls I need someone to be there to cover the phones."
"It's a NATIONAL HOLIDAY BITCH!" I scream at her in my head while I say, "Uh huh" a few more times.
"I'll make sure you get some extra time at lunch the rest of the week to make up for it," she says as she hangs up the phone.
Will she be there? NO. Will the phone ring? NO. Will I sit and plot about a way to end her life? YES. Will I seriously sit and plot about a way to end her life? FUCK YES. There are no good days left with this one, and I am biding my time until I can tell her boss all the fucked up shit she's doing behind the company's back. I have the copies of the receipts from the corporate card, FYI, Enema Bitch. I do I do I do.
Fa la la la la.
So, fuck me — I have to get up tomorrow and get on the freeway and drive to work with no one else driving to work because I am the ONLY PERSON IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES DRIVING TO WORK OR WORKING AT ALL ON A NATIONAL HOLIDAY. Sure, there will be other sad Executive Assistants there copying contacts into Palm Pilots and filing and shit, but we will all rebel sooner or later.
In the meantime, as I sit here contemplating whether or not I want to throw up, I must direct your attention to my new crush who I can guarantee does not want to suck toes but who can definitely SERVE HIS MASTER (I mean, country) when the time is right.
Last 5 posts by Missy
- Bad Week, Part II - September 8th, 2005
- Stank-Ass Matt - September 1st, 2005
- No, You May Not Suck My Toe - August 30th, 2005
- Bitch Has Claws And An Enema - August 26th, 2005
omg, is your crush a Marine? he’s SUPER CUTE!!!
He IS, isn’t he? Mmmmm-arines.
Glad you approve.
What is it with women and members of the Armed Forces? Do I have to enlist to get a woman to express interest in me?
Maybe its just me, but is it really necessary to use so much bad language? I’ve been merrily reading this site for a while now and Missy seems to be the only one who seems inable to write a post without expletives.
This isn’t meant 2 be a hatepost, but I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who thinks this….
oooh Missy, i feel for you. haha. text-message me if you’re bored, i’ll be out gallivanting about in NYC.
It’s a myth that the men with the uniform get all the chicks. I worked for FedEx for six months just to meet someone and I had no luck whatsoever.
That’s because it’s UPS not FEDEX, Neil, that get the chicks.
Great to see you got rid of that guy and didn’t give in to his shenanigans! You have a right to blog about him (1st Amendment). It sucks you have to go into work today! No one is going to call as everyone is out and/or won’t expect anyone to be answering the phone!
MarkB, yep, it’s only you
I’m not sure, Dave. I’m not entirely sure…
But I *did* come back to check for a new post, so I guess I’m not THAT offended… It’s just that Missy’s posts *do* seem to be a bit … can I say harsh(?) sometimes.
To be clear Missy, I’m not trying to influence you, I thoroughly respect your prerogative to write what the F*** you want… ;o)
I am pleased and thankful to all those who have accepted me and the way in which I would like to express myself.
All good… Was just a thought. Freedom of expression and all that.
:)
Dig the site anyways..
All in the name of solidarity… Missy, you fucking rock.
Maybe you can kill two birds with one stone by introducing DH to Enema Boss. Would they hit it off? Maybe she likes toe suckers and maybe he likes spiteful executives that make their assistants work on a national holiday. Could be a match made in heaven.
I think I love you, Charlie.
Do you have an aversion to sucking on toes?
Can’t say I have a great fondness for toe sucking, Missy. I’m pretty neutral on the matter, kind of like Switzerland.