Today’s Fictitious Conversation With My Non-Existent Boyfriend
Stamped: September 26th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dating hijinks, spank, things i ♥.
Hiya Honey!
Whatcha doin?
You don't know me yet, but you're SO gonna love me. You're gonna love everything about me. You're gonna go nuts for my long curly hair, my big full kissy lips, the legs that go on forever…you get the picture. You will most certainly overlook certain things, as we all do in our pursuit for love. You're going to completely overlook my tendency to make you feel like a piece of shit half the time because your head will be clouded by the outrageously hot sex were having the other half of the time.
And, my lovie-love-love, you will become increasingly irritated by that fact that I never check my voicemail or return calls. You will resort to spilling your heart out in emails despite the fact that I've told you that is strictly prohibited…Rule #2: never convey anything of importance via email…got it?
While we're on the subject, let's just make some things clear. First, just so you know, I make the rules…and, well, that's Rule #1.
Keep your eye on the prize though, dearest lovebun, and remind yourself constantly how sweet my ass looks in those panties, and how cute I sound when you give me a little spankin. Because that will soften the blow when you realize that I hate spending the entire night (Rule #3). I will probably sneak out after you're asleep. Maybe that's okay with you, maybe you like your space too. Maybe, just maybe, you'll buy my insomnia story and leave it at that.
And, mr. honey-hot-shaft, you can take comfort in the best blowjobs you've ever had in your life…when I feel like it…like once a month, but it sure is something to look forward to.
While waiting for me to come to my senses following a PMS breakdown, you may have a slight headache from the ashtray thrown at your head but be thankful that you still have all your appendages. Rule #4, don't talk to me while I'm PMSing, but if you ignore me I'll kill you and if you give me a funny look you'll get serious damage. And, my sweet nutty-hoho, if you continue to breathe in that annoying way, I'm gonna…
You'll never get over the fact that I can put my feet behind my head…and that, unfortunately, will stay in your mind forever my dear. Sorry.
So sweetiepoopoo, if you keep all these minor little details in mind I think we'll get along fabulously. In fact, after we break up you can use the stories from dating me to get sympathy dates from other women…the benefits of dating me NEVER end.
Last 5 posts by Meme
- Mama don't Preach - May 18th, 2007
- You don't have to Fuck Me twice to get the point across - May 11th, 2007
- Update: Newsworthy? - May 4th, 2007
- Nipples, Pasties and Lesbians - April 27th, 2007
- Vagina! - April 20th, 2007
monthly blowjobs?
shit. not if i continue to hear him crunching on his fucking cereal. FUCK. could you possibly eat any LOUDER?!
I like your style. Good tactics.
And really, do they EVER get over the feet behind the head thing? I don’t think they do. . .
I’ve never stayed with someone who wasn’t right for me, just because it was the best sex in my life.
I’ve stayed with a crazy-alcoholic-father-in-the-mafia -drugusing-psycho-bipolar-bitch because it was the best sex in my life.
Ah, the beat bank runneth over…
Ah, you are going to make someone a very very lucky man someday!
You’re the best girlfriend ever, Meme. I swear.
Should I learn the whole feet-behind-the-head thing? Sounds useful…
Kristine: don’t even get me started…makes me want to gouge his fucking eyesockets with a spoon and fear-factor his eyeballs.
AJ: how the hell did you know my dad’s in the mafia?
Lexie: it’s a great trick to do at parties.
Damn, you sound limber. I use to have a fantasy about being crushed to death by great legs in one last, fabulous orgasm. Brings back memories. Ah, the dreams of youth …
Glad to know I’m not the only one who has these types of conversations.
love it! especially the spanking part…ha!
Eicorrumba….
That story had better be tongue in cheek.
It almost made me angry!!
Just you wait till you come across a guy who won’t take that sort of shit. You will be like “why isn’t he calling me”.
And “why doesn’t he care”.
He will be like… well you are treating me like shit, and I don’t take that.
He will then swiftly kick you to the kerb with full knowing that a more deserving (and probably more attractive) girl is just around the corner.
For the next 5 or so years you will be regretting what could have been had you have been more respectful
Chris, your COMMENT better have been tongue-in-cheek, because it almost made me laugh out loud.
Just you wait till you come across a blog written my a bunch of sarcastic, witty women with great comedic talent. They’ll be like…holy crap, we have to force feed this dude a sense of humour, before he infects the rest of the world with his sobermindedness.
Chris, Chis, Chris….I should be offended that 1. you obviously have not taken the time to read anything else on this site, but yet still decided to comment and 2. that, I think, you just said there is a woman more attractive than I….READ THE ARCHIVES A BIT BEFORE COMMENTING YOU ASSWIPE
and “Kerb”, what the fuck is that? what are you 14 years old???
You are lucky I am in a good mood meme, most days I would lash out at your asswipe comment with a long string of randomly picked expletives. None of which would do you any justice.
I am not interested in reading your archives
I could. But I won’t.
And as for kerbs. They are commonly situated on the edges of roads.
:: shakes head ::
You are lucky I am in a good mood meme, most days I would lash out at your asswipe comment with a long string of randomly picked expletives. None of which would do you any justice.”
I’d hate to see you in a BAD mood, Chris. That must be very painful, considering the saltine-crackeresque quality of your ‘good’ sense of humour.
Douchebag.
Ok, I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong…I quickly IM’d an aussie friend who confirmed that some of you folks out there spell CURB - KERB.
I’m not wrong about you being an asswipe though, cause if you’re not interested in reading anything on this site then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE A COMMENT?
Can’t we all just get along?
Well Meme, the 9rules network had a link to your website, I followed the link to your article, which I read. I felt I wanted to comment so I did.
I don’t feel I need to defend my status as non arsewipe. As you know it is a very subjective label. One woman’s arsewipe is another womans prince.
And Lexie, thanks for commenting on my comments and all that. They are heaps good. Keep up the good work. Support the team. Hurrah.
I have the pleasure of sharing an office with Chris, and while not an asswipe, the “14 year old” comment isn’t far off (you know I luv ya mate!)
One thing I’ve learnt over the years though, is not to take 14 year olds too seriously.
p.s. When are you girls going to start podcasting complete with cute-spank-response sounds. Purlease? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?
ooohh, Ben-i-poo
we want to do a podcast of us spanking Chris…could you set that up for us?
My pleasure, Chris. Nice to see you bought in YOUR cheerleading squad, too.
I’m out.
Meme-of-my-dreams: I’ll see what I can do.
Sexy-Lexie: I ain’t no hollerback girl.