Tessa contrary to popular belief, this is not a sex blog
Stamped: October 3rd, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: body parts, food, things i ♥.
What you need to know about me is that while I track trends obsessively, I'm not usually one to follow them. Every blonde-highlighted, fake-tanned, boho-chic Nicole Ritchie clone I see on my campus only strengthens my natural predilection for sharp blazers and dark hair dye. And the more I hear about the newest coolest indie group, the more I fall in love with The Clash and the Rolling Stones. Similarly, while many of my peers are becoming vegetarians - too often because their favourite musician said something along the lines of MEAT IS MURDER (note to hippie idiots: The Smiths' album titles are rarely meant to be taken seriously) - I'm slowly evolving into a diehard carnivore.
Yes, my first post on girlspoke is about meat. Large, juicy, delicious hunks of meat.
I know it's odd - get used to it - but I get these sudden, unshakeable cravings. Today it's out of control. I've tried thinking of other things - fruit, cheese, French bread in thick white slices - but nothing makes my mouth water like the thought of tender, savoury flesh. Every time I close my eyes I see giant sausages dangling before me. Mmm… giant sausages. I can't get them out of my head. I can practically feel the slick warmth of sausage skin, and taste the hot spurt of sausage juice.
I know many of you veggies out there would argue the merits of, say, a cucumber, organically grown for maximum size and juiciness. But does a cucumber give you tactile pleasure? Can you stroke it, squeeze it, feel the squishy give of flesh against the palm of your hand? No, you can't, so shut your fat mouth. And next time you feel important enough to talk to me, brush your goddamn teeth. You smell like lawn clippings and three-day-old hummus.
Okay, I tried. I talked about cucumbers for, like, two sentences before I realized that the only way to get rid of this overpowering sausage desire is to feed it. So I'm heading to the local meat market to find myself something big and beefy. I might be a while. The search for the perfect sausage is a long and fairly intensive process. I'll start with size, ruling out anything too small or too curved. Then I'll touch the skin, hoping for smoothness - bumps are never a good sign - and feel up the prospects to determine firmness and freshness. I won't touch anything too old, but while newly formed sausages are delicious, they never seem to last long. Call me picky, high-maintenance, what you will… I know what I want, and I won't stop looking until I find the perfect sausage to satisfy my craving tonight.
Oh, hey, my boyfriend just came down the stairs. Delivery!
(Chances are, you were expecting my first post to be something raunchy and provocative, and I even realize that not everyone likes talking about sausage. I just thought it would be a nice change from the usual penis-obsessed babbling around here.)
Last 5 posts by Tessa
- What a Girl Wants (because if I have that godawful song stuck in my head you all should too) - November 17th, 2005
- Time flies when you're having imaginary sex in the back room. - November 2nd, 2005
- Put that on a Post-It, bitch. - October 20th, 2005
- Road Rage - October 6th, 2005
Don’t forget the spicy mustard!
i think i read somewhere that some people also eat their sausages covered in mayonnaise.
but i could be wrong.
While by no means a vegetarian, I do find that large uncut pickles are a good substitute when there is no meat around.
And soft buns. You need soft buns too.
Soft buns! How could I have forgotten about those? Sigh.
you know recently i had an uncontrolable urge for a big hot italian sausage, but alas, all i found was a vienna sausage…crying fucking shame.
meme - and here i was, upset about my cocktail weinie.
sausages…mmm.. ok, got to go now and get one. damn you for writing about that.
What’s your position on Irish Sausage?
Pierce: how could I not love anything called “bangers”?
Every girl loves a big juicy sausage ;b
i had sausage for breakfast. mmm mmm good.
I always get the willies when I see a sausage on a skillet. Might be a childhood trauma thing.
And seeing strings of sausages hanging from a hook? Yikes!
I think all sausage should be stamped with, “NOT TO BE COOKED!”
There are no two finer words in the English language than “encased meats”, my friend.
There is also a song
How do you feel about Jewish sausage? Where the ends are already cut off?
This is why deli clerks get so many chicks. They know how to handle their meat.
While I try not to eat pork product these days (little too much in my college years), I still serve them for guests. The mistake too many people make is fixating on length and not paying enough attention to thickness.
You don’t want anything so long that it’s cumbersome, but you certainly want one thick enough to really get your mouth around.
i man came in for some polish sausage
(some polish sausage from the store)….
some polish sausage he wanted, THIS ITALIAN MEAT HE GOT…
OOOH…i don’t work there anymore
Patrick Haney, not a sausage.