Not in My Panties
Stamped: October 4th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., emergency, get rich quick schemes, marketing, underwear.
I'm a curious person by nature. I like to keep up with news and events and I have an unending fascination with innovation and technology. In my line of work, both past and present, I've dealt with many idea people. People who believed they had next best greatest thingamajigawhammy, and sometimes they did, but unfortunately most didn't. The one thing, and perhaps the most important, many inventors neglect to consider is The Law of Unintended Consequences.
Much like unleashing rabbits in Australia, the unforeseen consequences of products which are intended to make life easier/safer/better can be disastrous when not taken into consideration.
In theory it sounds great. You're in your car on the mean streets of Johannesburg and some thug comes along demanding your car. 
He may have a gun but with the push of a button he's toast cause you've installed flame shooters from the bottom of your car. Sounds great, huh? Well, what happens when you're in the drive thru at Taco Bell searching for change to get that Double Decker® Taco Supreme® and accidentally bump your head on the Incinerate button while reaching beneath your seat? Or better yet. You're on a date and to be chivalrous your date opens the car door for you. As he's walking around to the other side you reach over to unlock his door but, oops, you hit the wrong button. Ouch, looks like no one's getting lucky that night.
However deliciously ironic this is, it's not too nice for the guys taking it. 
I guess every guy needs a little help performing once in a while (the last guy I dated sure coulda used some, but as he put it, it would've conflicted with all the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics he was taking) and luckily for those guys medical science put aside their studies to find a cure for AIDS and cancer so that old men could once again get erections and torment young women. But blindness, wow, that sucks. On the flipside though you'd be a blind guy with an erection and ultimately less discerning.
These examples are only the tip of the iceberg. There are so many out there it's un-freakin-believable.
The other day while doing my regular hunt for free internet porn I came across the following website: Forget Me Not Panties. I thought to myself, 'humm, what is this?' So I perused the website. As I read on I became increasingly agitated. 'You put a what in the panties???…a fucking GPS mechanism? Oh no…no, no, no, no, NO!'
These are so wrong on so many levels.
First of all, these just spell disaster for any relationship. There can be no possible good outcome if you employ these types of methods for happy healthy relations with your loved one. You say, "I trust my girlfriend/wife/daughter but I just want to be sure" and I say "Dude, t-h-e-r-a-p-y, serious."
Let's imagine for a moment that you give your woman these panties and she unwittingly accepts and wears them. And let's say she goes to work and instead of sticking to her diet and going to the salad joint for lunch she goes to the local Burger King. And does so everyday for weeks. After some time you notice she putting on weight, and she notices too and starts complaining how she 'doesn't understand how she could be gaining weight' after all she 'only eats salads for lunch'. Since you've been tracking her everyday you know why she's packing pounds and it seems so silly that she would lie about something so trivial that you blurt out, "I know you've been going to BK for lunch everyday, you fat cow." Well, she may not have been cheating on you but damn if you're gonna let her get away with any lie, big or small. Relationship over.
Or, what about this scenario. You're checking up on your women via the pantyMap® tracking system. You're dumbfounded when you find that instead of going to work she's at the mall, then the local arcade, then over at the Miller's house. When she gets home you confront her. She has no idea what the hell you're talking about. She tells you, in a high-pitched scream while throwing your belongings out the window, that if you don't believe her you can call her co-workers. To prove your point you show her the tracking program and to both your surprise you see that apparently her exact location at that moment is upstairs in your teenage son's bedroom.
There's a whole host of hidden issues these could bring to the surface that, frankly, are better left ignored and avoided.
After a while women the world over will start catching onto this GPantieS trick and stop accepting underwear gifts from their boyfriends/husbands/fathers (and really, if my dad tried to give me panties I'd report him). Eventually women will be buying their own underwear and you know that means; they'll only be wearing comfortable granny panties. No more buying them black and red lace snap-crotch thingys. Victoria's Secret would go out of business. The sky would grow dark. People would start getting all Mad Max.
In the meantime we'd like to show you our new line of exclusive underwear from girlspoke…
For more information or preorders contact our designer, Lexie: lexie at girlspoke dot com.
Optional GPS feature, add $999.99
Last 5 posts by Meme
- Mama don't Preach - May 18th, 2007
- You don't have to Fuck Me twice to get the point across - May 11th, 2007
- Update: Newsworthy? - May 4th, 2007
- Nipples, Pasties and Lesbians - April 27th, 2007
- Vagina! - April 20th, 2007
Trackback by Healthy Heart Centre
— 15 February 2008 @ 7:32 am
Comments
It should be mentioned that with Girlspoke brand underwear, the only person tracking you will be Lexie. And maybe Meme. But only for entertainment purposes.
also wrong on many levels? that male underwear model.
But couldn’t the panty tracker be used for good? Instead of tracking you, it could just help you find your panties. I lose my panties all the time. Under the bed, hanging on the ceiling fan, scrunched up in the corner of a roadhouse toilet…
I fully agree with you Betty !! Imagine a drunken one night stand: you wake up in the morning still very drunk stumble back to your home and wake up hours and hours later and well you cannot remember a damn thing ???? you then also realise no panties ! what do you do track them on gps and see exactly who it is you could possibly had this totally memorable night of passion with ( sarcasim by the way ! ) they could be handy never know.
Kristine you are also so very right on millions and millions of levels that male underwear model is wrong!! who told that man ‘ you know dude you have the perfect pasty hair body for sexy underwear posing ??? ‘ jesus !
Does that guy even have a you-know-what?
Wait… Viagra causes blindness?!?! You have to tell me things people!!
nope Pauly D I would safely say he does not have a you know what ! at least not from my experinces of you know what
AJ’s feelings are going to be really hurt when he finds out you guys have been talking about him like that.
TAB: you’ve foiled our masterplan, we had girlspoke central all set up with a wall of plasma screen tvs and a popcorn machine…we were even gonna send you a free pair, oh well.
and, uh, Pauly…i’m betting he’s a grow-er not a show-er.
that whole invention of the hooks and claws female condom- WHACKO! christ on a cracker that is some fucked up shit. i mean, i think that rapist would end up killing the woman with that on. such a very very very bad idea.
love the girlspoke panties.
ha ha ha poor AJ!
Crapbags, I’ve already branded all my underwear “girlspoke” with a felt-tip pen.
Now it feels like I was wasting my time.
I keep thinking I’d be tracking myself. Though I’m not admitting to anything.
I also fear these trackable panties might lead me to something like a urinal in a men’s room at Yankee standium and a guy named Bruno.
um, pierce, you can admit it…it feels really good to have that secret in your pants. by the way, could you send me your address cause our lawyers need to serve you with a cease and desist letter for copyright infringement. unless you want to fork over the dough for a licensing fee.
and, bill, i think i might be wearing your lady’s panties cause that scenario seems eerily familiar.
coming soon! the girlspoke panty portal. track your favorite girlspoker online 24 hours a day! $49.99 per day.
Ok, ok. That’s ENOUGH. So I have white thighs. SO WHAT? I’m white dude. Duh.
And that hair on my tummy? That’s called a “happy trail”… just follow the trail…
are you supposed to follow it up? or down?
i’m confused.
Lexie– If you don’t know, it would serve to explain why you’ve had some setbacks in this area.
i’ve never looked that good in panties…i wanna see a real ass in those… :>)