Stamped: October 17th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, complaint dept., cry for help, dates of yore, neuroses.
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I have a few things I need to get off my chest. And I'm the type of person that doesn't like to let things fester inside. I find it much healthier to dump all my problems, issues, complaints, and general dislike on others. So here you go:
Complaint #1
After we break up, PLEASE remove my email address from your email forwarding list. The last thing I need is to check my email and see your name in the inbox. While you're at it, you may want to create a mailing list so that I don't now have a complete list of the email addresses of everyone you know. Ooops, too late.
You see, I tend not to relapse with the same losers again (I find new ones), so I have no problem promptly removing your phone numbers from my cell, deleting all your emails, and drawing big red Xs over your face in all of your pictures. So I would appreciate it if you would do the same.
Complaint #2
If you haven't had a good night's sleep, PLEASE do not sleep on me on the subway. I don't know you and I surely do not want your head on my shoulder. And that whole shudder-straighten-up-then-droop-down-over-and-over-again thing you do with your head makes me want to punch you in the temple.
Complaint #3
Ok, Mother Nature or Father Time, whatever the fuck your name is. This getting dark earlier shit is not funny. I understand it's getting close to winter and the Earth's axis is at a tilt but PLEASE. Did you know that more people kill themselves during Standard Time than Daylight Savings? They call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe we could set the clocks forward a couple hours in the Fall instead of back. Think of the lives we'd be saving.
Complaint #4
Men. At the moment I think I may hate all of you. There's no rational reason for this but it's the way I feel and goddammit are you trying to tell me my feelings aren't valid? Oh my god, what an asshole.
Give me a week and I expect the love will come back.
But in the meantime, PLEASE back the fuck off and shower me with compliments while you're doing it.
Wow, I feel better already. Thanks!
Last 5 posts by Meme
Complaint Department
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— 15 February 2008 @ 2:09 am
Comments
Sometimes a pretty girl falls asleep on your shoulder on the train and this is a good thing. Sometimes a large hairy man falls asleep on your shoulder on the train and this is a bad thing. There are variables in every scenario.
How can you hate all of us men? Especially as Standard Time nears, when your eyes glisten with a special glow during sunset that differs from the lustrous rainbowlike play of color that shines in your eyes during Daylight Savings Time?
Hey, you wanted to be showered with compliments…
Pierce, even the prettiest/handsomest girl/boy looks like crap-in-a-basket sitting there with their mouth agape doing that twitching-i-swear-i’m-not-sleeping thing. and how would you start a conversation with them, “um, yeah, hey you’re drooling on my arm but that’s cool cause, well, you’re hot and i’m horny”?
oh Neil, you really think so?
And while we’re on the mouth open, drooling subject. . . NO SNORING, either.
“um, yeah, hey you’re drooling on my arm but that’s cool cause, well, you’re hot and i’m horny”
Em, yeah, pretty much that.
Not everyone does that whole twitching, jumping-awake every twenty seconds. And those that do? Comedy Gold.
PMA: Positive Mental Attitude.
um, i believe these are mutually exclusive:
PMA: Positive Mental Attitude
and
PMS: Punch you in the Mouth Sideways
Meme…you’re so pretty.
Have I told you how pretty you are today? Because you are. Just. So. Fucking. Pretty.
And your ass looks AWESOME in your new pants, FYI.
Hey!! I want to see these AWESOME ass pants, too!!
it is quite amazing that the majority of us girlspoke girls seem to be “on the rag” at the same time. We could start a cyclical 5 to 7 day army.
I am fully armed and ready to unleash many compliments. But first I, too, wanna see the pants.
/runs to flickr site…
In retaliation, I now hate all women. Except Meme.
Now that I’ve seen the pic, I can safely say this.
I’d love to tell you how beautiful you look but, thanks to Mother Nature or whoever, I can’t fucking see you!
Don’t get me going on dark days … I’m so fucking north if I get on the wrong bus uptown I end up in bloody Russia.
I’m affected at the best of times but this time of year? … oh, and thanks Ma Nature for the freakin’ 99.5% full moon last night. Yes, I needed something to fuck me up just a bit more. Did I howl? No. I just didn’t get to sleep till about 4 am, which made for a great morning today.
Heavens … thanks for the chance to rant. I am counting the days till the love returns!
ok…by popular demand here’s the new ass pants: http://www.flickr.com/photos/95884753@N00/53531988/
Meme, as amazing as your ass is, and you do have an amazing one, I couldn’t help be distracted by your comforter. I think I have the same one. Bed, Bath, and Beyond?
Should I be disturbed or encouraged that your reading Henry Miller?
Sorry … “that you’re reading Henry Miller …” I always make that mistake. And then anally self-correct to the extent I can.
Holy Great-Ass-Pants, Batman!
On another note, whose is the foot in that other photo that looks like it’s in jail?
bill, every man should be encouraged when a woman reads henry miller. opus pistorum changed my life…and it’s interesting that you should mention being anal, hummm.
actually neil, there are two comforters, one from urban outfitters the other from overstock.com….it’s all about the O.
funny you should ask londoner, that is in fact my foot and it was posted there to prove to one of my many detractors, who believed i possessed a certain pedal imperfection, that i am truly perfect….um, yeah, something like that.
All well and good, Meme, but what’s with the bars?! Either you are in correctional institution for some misdemeanour (and the mind boggles at what sort it was) or you have turned one of the rooms in your house into a dungeon, either for the gratification of what can only be called a niche sexual appetite, or where you hold the men who have wronged you in the past…
Or you have a perfectly ordinary explanation? BTW your foot looks pretty, if you don’t mind me saying (he says hoping he doesn’t end up behind those bars. Or then again…)
londoner: yes, yes, yes, no, and thank you!
So let me get this right.
Yes, you are doing time, yes, you have turned your room into a dungeon, yes for some sort of sexual gratification and no you don’t keep men who have wronged you there?! And no you don’t have another explanation?!
Crikey.
londoner: actually i hollowed out the wall behind my closet…that’s where i keep the men.