Stamped: October 24th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, you need to watch your back at the office. Your incessant chatter about how often you orgasm per session of lovemaking or how much your boy loves to be in chains is starting to turn the collective stomach of your workplace–even the sex addict in payroll. (Yeah, he's heard too.) If you can lay low long enough for your co-workers to be distracted by say, a pretty butterfly, they'll forget about your overbearing perfume long enough for you to snag an invite to Jane's Giggles party.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bull is known for its big balls (or ovaries…whatever) but sometimes, you know, when they're dangling and swinging, it's just fucking gross. In other words, you moron, you need to chill. Remember that wine that you drank by the jug in college? Well go to the liquor store and buy something that costs about 5 times as much. You need to relax. You could use some classic non-exploratory sex also, but we're taking baby steps, here.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I know you're all amped about that Halloween Party, but hold up for a hot second. Your eye candy is probably going to be there and your costume is more-or-less set. Now you need to call your friend and ask her to call that ex from when she worked at Hooters. She knows him better than you, so use your mouth to communicate for just this once. This prospective hook-up needs a background check before you ask him to help you jack your lantern.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
This is your week to explore a bit. Before all the freaks come out, try spending some time out of your comfort zone. You have the opportunity to meet someone that will excite you in ways that Oprah never could. Unless you're into that sort of thing. But seriously, get the fuck out of your house and spend some time browsing the Sex & Relationships section at Barnes & Noble. You'll meet some interesting characters this week, or at least get rid of the dull ones.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, oh, O Leo. Try redirecting your energy this week to, let's say, the bedroom. Your attraction to large audiences is starting to fray the edges of those close to you. So, dust off that video camera and set up a photo shoot with your number one squeeze. One thing: unless you're ready to one-up Tommy Lee, never ever show anyone else this tape. And don't piss off your co-star if she has access. I mean, unless you're Tommy Lee material dude. In that case, include your phone number in the credits and come up with hot nickname for your member.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Stressed? Ok. This week, let's try something different. Instead of getting mopey and depressed, get proactive. (Not the fucking zit cream, genius.) You're so much more productive when you're pissed anyway, aren't you? Plus, those tears are doing nothing to help you win the affections of boy wonder. Most importantly, men love a women in control, in high heels, and short skirts. Well, at least the last two for sure. So before you tell off your enemies, you might want to hit up Macy's for some Big Brown Bag action.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Listen, I'm sure you'd insist that things are "just fine," but everyone can see that something's bothering you. While many would suggest you simply move to New York and learn how to bcome a real bitch, I'd also suggest you simply buy a new vibrator. Honestly, that blue one is, well, blue. Trying to make the entire world "get along" is only bearable when you can come home to a strong support network, so start realizing that it's ok to spend 1/8 of your weekly salary on sex. Or a reasonable substitute. (No, cocaine doesn't count.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If you continue to insist to your co-workers that you've figured out the twist in Lost, you're going to be the number one target in your office's version of Maxim Magazine's Office Politics, The Game! This week, channel your curiosity into something more personal. Ancient Roman pornography, for instance. You need to lighten up, and seeing some of that shit will certainly hinder the arguments that you'll likely create this week. Plus, sharing some of your newfound erotica is one way to win you some fantastic ass, finally.

Saggittarius (November 22-December 21)
You have a couple of upcoming events that are weighing on your mind. Before they consume your daily thoughts, make a list of the things you enjoy doing. Next week, when you're refilling your Zoloft, pull out that list and force a smile. Then silently mock anyone you see that is sporting spandex. If you have a camera phone, be slick and get a picture. Remembering to be silly will keep you focused when the rest of the world is simply continuing to spawn morons.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Christ, you are some piece of work, you fucking asshole. If you'd only get that gigantic head of yours out of your fat, hairy ass, you could fucking realize that the rest of the world is plotting your miserable death. Sorry, I'm trying to help you out here. If you don't kindly shut the fuck up this week, that little thing that you're hiding is totally going to be leaked to spite your egotistical ass. Can't be nice? Cut out some pictures of a dog and come up with a story about how you rescued it from death over the weekend. Trust me. Lay low and paste on a smile, jerk.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week could make or break you. While your typically wet-napkin personality scores you lots of fans at work, your love life is more flacid than Tom Cruise's theoretical penis. Do something definitive with your lover this weekend to avoid another train-wrecked relationship. If you don't have a lover, then you should probably just focus on getting really drunk at the office Halloween party. We'll work on recharging your batteries next time.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You're avoiding the inevitable with you-know-who. Get some fucking balls already and do what needs to be done. Picking at that bandaid with a silly frown is not only prolonging the inevitable, but it's also making you look like a complete dumbass. Seriously. Similar to that time that you got kicked out of that titty bar, you will totally regret this behavior if you continue to pussy foot around. In fact, the subsequent rush will give you a glow later this week. And you know your admirers are all hot for some glow.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007