Top Ten Tips to Getting Laid - A Beginner’s Guide
Stamped: October 26th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: body parts, dating hijinks, emergency, things i ♥, underwear.
We all need a little help now and then. It seems easy in theory. I mean geez, I live in a city of 8 million people and even I find the task daunting. But I'm taking notes and making observations. And so far I've figured out a few things.
Get out of the house
This is the key rule to follow. These days with this crazy world wide net-o-sphere thing everyone's doing people get glued to their computer screens, asses firmly planted. While you may be able to sort through pictures and profiles of potential lovers via your computer ultimately you'll need to leave the house, so skip the dating sites and get out NOW. We do suggest though that you find wifi hotspots throughout your day to check in at girlspoke.com for updates.
Proper Hygiene and Grooming
This is pretty braindead, but unfortunately completely overlooked by a large segment of the population. In order for someone to consider coming within a five foot radius of you you'll need to take certain steps. For example: showering, brushing your teeth, deodorant, etc. Grooming is equally important and overgrooming is a rampant problem. For example: Women: one inch layer of face make-up, big hair, under or over-plucked eyebrows, etc. Men: two words: nose hair…oh and the 1/2 pound of hair goop, remember the wet look is not sexy after three hours into a date.
Drop hints to show you're interested
Everyone has their doubts, some even need to be knocked over the head. Does he like me, is she attracted to me? To help this process along it's important to let your potential mate know that you're interested. Men, say things like: "Wow, you have beautiful hands, they'd look great with a Tiffany's diamond on them" or "Our last names would sound so great hyphenated." Women should just say: "Wow, I'm horny."
Expose yourself to as many people as you can
It's really important that you make yourself available to a multitude of people. I've found the most effective way to do this is to keep the blinds open at all times…most importantly, when coming out of the shower, dressing, writhing naked on the bed, etc. Sitting in your underwear on the balcony is also effective, weather permitting.
Show your playful side
Being serious all the time can be quite a downer to a member of the opposite sex. Let's say for example that you know someone is coming over to your place, like the apartment building's handy man. Leave your toys out. A vibrator on the bed. Handcuffs on kitchen counter. Your S&M swing hanging from the living room ceiling. Your collection of lubes on the dining room table.
Don't show up empty handed
You're going over to date's house for dinner, nothing says I'm ready like a bottle of schnapps and a box of condoms.
Show your soft side
Hahaha…just kidding.
Keep them interested
One of the most common problems in our instant-gratification culture is a short attention span so it's a constant challenge to keep your partner interested. There are many things you can do to remedy this. Provocative clothing. Alcohol. Cash. But if those aren't working you could try showing your date some of your more popular party tricks, like the neat things you can do with your tongue or how you can put your feet behind your head.
Be open to suggestions
There's no bigger turn off than close-minded people. It's important to be open to new ideas/experiences for personal growth. And nothing will make him grow quicker than telling him things like "sure, if you say it won't hurt with proper lubrication" or "um, ok I'd love it if you wrapped my torso in saran wrap". And she'll be putty in your hands if you agree to some of her whims and fancies, "yeah baby, strap it on, why not."
When all else fails
Desperate times call for desperate measures and stretching the truth can be an effective alternative. And after all pity sex is still sex. As Lexie would say, "A cock is a cock, is a cock…cock, cock, cock…what was I saying?" So we see no problem telling your date things like, "I just found out that I'm dying of [insert a non-communicable disease here]" or "I have to turn myself into the authorities tomorrow and am going away for a long, long time" or "I'm a virgin".
Follow these simple steps and you'll be on your way.
*Disclaimer: Neither girlspoke.com nor its contributors shall be held liable for any improper or incorrect use of the information described and/or contained herein and assumes no responsibility for anyone's use of the information. In no event shall girlspoke.com or its contributors be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, exemplary, or consequential damages (including, but not limited to: injury or rejection; or loss of penile/vaginal use) however caused and on any theory of liability, (including negligence or otherwise), or any other theory arising in any way out of the use of these Tips, even if advised of the possibility of such damage. This disclaimer of liability applies to any damages or injury, whether based on inappropriate behavior, negligence or any other cause of action, including but not limited to damages or injuries caused by performance, size, premature ejaculation, interruption, defect, or sexually transmitted diseases.
Last 5 posts by Meme
- Mama don't Preach - May 18th, 2007
- You don't have to Fuck Me twice to get the point across - May 11th, 2007
- Update: Newsworthy? - May 4th, 2007
- Nipples, Pasties and Lesbians - April 27th, 2007
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Comments
Also remember to show them your goods. Also remember your goods start looking a whole lot better in direct proportion to alcoholic beverages imbibed.
Sorry. I stopped reading after tip No. 1. I have a big problem with that one.
I can’t read the disclaimer without my glasses. What does it say?
Thanks for the tips. I realize now I was doing so many things wrong. Like, “Wow, you have beautiful hands, they’d look great with a Tiffany’s diamond on them.” I was close, but whenever I tried this I said, “Wow, you have beautiful hands, they’d look great around my throbbing joy wand.” (I’m a great proponent of the casual hand job as an ice-breaker.)
Tell me, would this be a good approach? “You know, I’ve always been puzzled by nipples. Some have these smaller quarter sized aureoles, and some are like freakin’ pancakes on a holiday. What’s with that? How about you? What kind do you have? …”
Sorry. I got a little carried away there. I’m a big fan of nipples. (I was breast fed, you know. And a thumb sucker. And … oops, I’m getting carried away again …)
Ah, there’s no shame on the Internet …
yes, i’d like to offer that the wet look is actually never hot. unless you’re wet from sex, shower, or um…you get the picture.
and lord, Bill…let’s not get started with nipples.
Neil, it says that by clicking on the comments link you are relinquishing any rights to dispute the daily charges from girlspoke.com to your credit card.
um Bill, tangent…ever heard of it?
i was going to read this, but all i can read is the part where it says cock, cock, cock…
wait…what was i saying?
You said to show your playful side, but when I leave out the spurs and jumper cables guys just never wanna stay and play. What’s up with that?
Thank you. Now I know.
Tangent … is that like when you go from the nipple on the right to the one on the left?
I hope I’m not off topic. Just in case … cock, cock, cock!
Jesus, Meme. Judging by that photo and your claim to be able to touch your nose with your tongue (which again, from the photo, I now believe) you only have one tip to getting laid. Get down to the nearest bar and flop that bad boy out. You’d certainly blow my mind (yes, I said MIND. Not cock, Lexie).
NOTE TO BOYS: Don’t go down to bars and flop your bad boy out. Not advisable if you want to avoid a criminal record for public indecency.
Actually, having said that, I have been naked in a bar in New York. Brother Jimmy’s on 77th and 2nd. Didn’t result in an arrest, or getting laid for that matter.
P.S. I have photos to prove it.
oh londoner, i think i’m gonna need to see those pics. and is this a common occurance at Brother Jimmy’s?
Lexie, meet me there for happy hour.
Don’t know if it is a common occurance, but it is when we are in town. We being the rugby team I tour with (played in the New York Seven-a-side tournament on Thanksgiving weekend last two years, 2004 and 2003). http://www.newyorkrugby.com/nyrc/sevens/sevens.asp
I’ll dig out those photos and send them across.
Dunno about you, but for women this post ought to be pretty short: Just show up.
rugby, cock, rugby, rugby…wait. what was i saying?
fuck. i’m turning into a drivelling idiot.
Get set to dribble some more Lexie, sent the pics through.
i am sooo disappointed.
if that’s what you call naked, you might have a bit of trouble in the sack.
love the kilt though…mmmmm
Well I don’t play all my cards at once… but I see what you’re trying to do, question my horizontal jogging ability in an attempt to get me to try to prove you wrong and send you full frontal nudity
Sadly for you (and luckily for me) the photos stopped there, not sure what happened to the photographer, probably fell about laughing so hard that they couldn’t take any more shots.
Expose myself … Of course! Why didn’t I think of that.
(rummages around closet for trenchcoat)
Last time I pulled it out in public not only did I get indecient exposure but I also got an assult with a deadly weapon charge to go along with that. But now that we’ve covered techniques to try out here’s some things you should never say/do (no matter what sex you and your lover are):
What the fuck did you eat for lunch?: If you’re desperate just suck it up and put in the time up top knowing that it is going to be just as bad if not worse down below. Perhaps on inital noticing of this would be a good time to grab another beverage to keep handy when the ordeal is over.Why does it bend that way?: Never seem too concernd about your partners genitals. If it bows to the left 3 inches or it has more lips than a school of fish who the hell cares? It still serves the same purpose no matter what.Wrong name: The worst way to kill in potential banging is to use the wrong name during any course of your time together. Face it, you were trying to get screwed last night by someone else and it didn’t work out. Now you are forced to learn another name within a day…it’s only one name, get it right.Don’t talk about it too much: Talking about how much sex you have had to anyone you are trying to screw is a sure fire way to turn them off. No one has had just the same amount of sex as you. So you are going to look like a complete freak or damn near virgin if you disclose too much.Never talk about their mom: Personal experience. Never mention that someone’s mom is hot and how you would like to tap their said ass. This is a sure fire method to kill in potentinal screwing.
Follow these steps and you will be sure to not get any sex ever.
a good one… just came across here. anyway taking this article and permalinking it.
I came to this website to get some tips about boys! Well all I got was a bunch of horny info. why cant you give some REALISTIC information? Huh? I dont want to put a viaberator on my bed while a man is there! I dont want him to think that I am desperate and need to have SEX with a viberator NAKED!! AND I REALLY DONT WANT HIM TO THINK I ENJOY IT!
This was hilarious! I really needed that! And all this time I thought my granny knickers was the charm…
how old shoud i be to have sex
how do i get laid