Stamped: November 7th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Welcome back to this week's installment of Horospoke, my lovelies. Once again, I am here to lay it to you straight. If you'd like to hear about your five-star day or how you need to start managing your finances, friends, or daily tasks, please leave the room before the show begins. Girlspoke cannot be held responsible for any medical, physiological, psychological, sexual, or astrological problems that may develp as a result of this horospoke.

Make sure your infrared goggles are on! And, lets begin.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
What up party people?! You have a lot of caffeine today? Couple of extra cigarettes? Illegal drugs, maybe? Your energy can always be an asset, but remember to use it to get shit done. Along those lines, remember that optimism is not always synonomous with realism. Sure, things may improve at work with some dedication and endurance, but your boyfriend, butler, mechanic, lawyer–whatever–will never get any bigger. If you can't deal with that, please stop making him take those pills. They will not work. Ever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Let me put this gently…actually, that's impossible. Who am I kidding? More importantly, who are you kidding? You need to lay off the McDonald's. Or cookies, or beer, or KFC. Whatever it is that you've chosen to indulge upon is starting to become more of a habitual longing. Give that shit up for a bit, and you'll remember how great it is when taken in moderation. Same goes for the porn, sweets. You've probably already been flagged for moderation by Mr. Chertoff himself.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It seems like something might be bothering you this week. Before it festers like the prostitutes on Sunset Strip, talk it out with someone close to you. It's never all fun and games, and you need to remember that you're just as vulnerable as the rest of us. Of course, once you've purged this, the fun and games are going to launch into full swing at the end of this week. Make sure your supplies are sufficiently stocked. Oh! And that top you saw the other day? You need to go back and buy it. Pronto. One of the salesboys saw you try it on and you've been giving him wet dreams like he's never known before.

Cancer (June 22-July22)
If you're feeling a little homesick this week, do your best to snap out of it. Longing for the past is as silly as thinking that Brad and Angelina aren't fucking at least twice daily. Try to remind yourself of what you've accomplished and established as an independent person. Call a friend that's still at home. Hearing all that drama will remind you that you're not missing Jack Shit. And, speaking of Jack, I would suggest venturing out of your comfort zone and reaching out to that hot stranger you've been running into lately. Regardless of his actual name, you should nickname him Jack. Never tell him why. He'll fucking love the secrecy.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You're continuing to inspire your colleagues, so remember that you're not as big of an ass as they might say. Sometimes you can be easy to hate, but you're undeserving of that judgement. Well, except for that one time back in your Junior year. Heh. That was fun, wasn't it? Most importantly, try not to get wrapped up in paranoia this week because it's unfounded. You're doing great. Plus, worrying will only diminish your sex drive, stud. Get back out and socialize a bit. The party scene was good for you in more ways than you know.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Remember what works best for you: lists. You make them for the grocery store, for your errands, for tasks completed at work…but have you considered making one for the bedroom? For the Toy Store? You may think that things are completely Kosher on the home-front, but someone is being neglected and doesn't have the heart to tell you. Sex is fun, remember? Let's have a damn celebration, then. Party in your room, 10 o'clock. And 2:00, and 5:30, and 9, …

Libra (September 23-October 22)
I know you hate a confrontation, as much as you might talk. Sometimes, though, it's good to get a little crazy. Let it out. Take off the gloves. Roll up your sleeves. It's time to get dirty, my Libra. Of course, get your plan of action together first. Don't start shooting from the hip. Improvisation was never your strong suit. If feeling discouraged, remember that fighting is the personal equivilent of DeTox. Oh, and that make-up sex is the best kind there is. Unless you're fighting with a friend. Then, make-up shopping would be in order. Or drinking. Yes, let's go with the drinking. You've just been cleansed, right? Your liver can handle a few cocktails.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If you're feeling suspicious this week, I have a feeling that you may be onto something. Dust off those old stalking skills that you managed to perfect in college, because you're on the prowl. Open up the computer and cell phone history and see what I do. Someone is not being honest with you, and you need to catch things before they get out of control. Don't let a so-called friend call the shots for you. I mean, even if that rumor is true, you totally have an explanation, right? Cold weather? It happens to the best of us, my Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
If you didn't take last week's suggestions, you're still feeling a bit anxious, aren't you? Even if it's just for a short weekend, you need to get away. Your escapist hobbies may be helping with your symptoms, but you haven't eliminated what ails you. Instead of getting stoned, plan a trip to Amsterdam. Replace heavy drinking with an appointment with your travel agent. If funds are tight, road-trip it to an old friend's house. It doesn't look like you'll be getting any ass, though, so remember to pack some of your classic flicks.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
This is a mini-crossroads for you. Something major has happened over the past several weeks, and you need to completely separate yourself from the drama. Letting "it" go is never easy, but I promise you that the deal is done. Fighting this issue or getting stubborn will guarantee a public humiliation–and even if you're into that sort of thing, only bad things can come of this. Once you're removed from this mess, you'll realize that you've been missing out on someone really fucking hot. Really, really. Hottt.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Ok, let me be the 12th person to tell you this: you're being terribly dramatic. Your passions are generally well-focused, but you need to remember that the rest of the world has an opinion also. Even if they're retarded opinions, you can still learn something from listening to the dumb people talk. In fact, they may even give you some fresh insight into a dilemma you've been having. How do we cure the world of all the idiots, anyway? Get back to me on that one, please.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Umm. Time to wake the fuck up, my darling. An issue that you've been avoiding is about to blow up in your face. Now is actually the best time to deal with it, because the rest of your planet is running very smoothly. You have a strong support system, so make some moves before things get really messy. At this point, there's still a very obvious way out of all this. But act quickly. If all else fails, remember to keep that appointment with your therapist and that suicide never solves anything.

See you next week!

And, remember…please don't shoot the astrological messenger.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

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