Stamped: November 14th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Ok, my starry-eyed loves. I apologize for the delay in revealing your destiny. But I happen to be in Georgia, ok? GEORGIA. Yeah. Exactly. So, without further adieu…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You're continuing to appear off-kilter, my sweet, psychotic Aries. I mean, do you see a therapist? Take any of those little blue pills? Self-medicate with massive amounts of red wine? I would suggest taking some deep fucking breaths this week. Your family and friends love you to death, for some strange reason, but their patience is running thin. With the holidays approaching, try to relax a little bit. Otherwise, there's going to be one of those massive family feuds that results in months of rumors and backstabbing and silent treatments, and…oh, hell. That's all probably going to happen anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I have a feeling that you have been slightly irritable this week. Frustrated? On edge? Having weird dreams about your distant aunt? Well, maybe the culprit is your far-sightedness. You're dwelling far too much on that which is miles away. So, let's work together, shall we? I propose that you create some kind of self-shocking device, complete with some kind of retina programming and definitely lots of leatherand straps. Wear it at all times when in the privacy of your own home. You should probably be naked, too. I'm not sure exactly how this will help you, but isn't dressing up fun?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You're a bit overwhelmed this week, but as long as you maintain your confidence, things should work out perfectly. Of course, people love to keep the twins down, so be prepared for opposition. In fact, I'd suggest getting all renagade on their asses. Let's visit the Army-Navy surplus store and get hog-wild. With proper hardcore attire and your already powerful persona, no one will fuck with you. Unless of course you're into that kind of thing. If that's the case, maintain your military stance and I'll send in the gimps, one by one. Just give me the sign, k? They're primed and ready…AJ! GET OVER HERE!

Cancer (June 22-July22)
This week will bring you a sense of contentment. I'm not sure if this is exactly a good thing, though. You need to remember that no one loves a blubbering sob story. No, not even your mom. So if you're feeling sorry for yourself, ball up. You're a big kid now and life is not really going to get much better than it is now. Shit, that didn't help, did it? Are you fucking crying? Dude, please. Fuck. I'm sorry. Ok. I'll be the one person to placate you this week. Send me emails at jenna@girlspoke.com. Life will get better. All those meanies will stop taking you for granted, I swear. I can't lose another one, for fuck's sake, so don't do anything rash.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you are going to have so much fucking fun this week. In fact, I dare say that you will be so overwhelmed with fun that you will be humbled by two striking women with amazing writing skills. You may even feel the urge to dedicate a book to them. Resist that urge, though. Stick with naming them in the Thank You section. Remember that you are only as hot and amazingly kickass as those who surround you. Keep your posse as cool as those two, and you'll be flying high. Try to stay humble this week. At least long enough to fool those who are watching closely.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You've been working hard toward something and the rewards are still beyond your line of sight. Remembering the importance of that goal is critical. If you don't step back and treat yourself along the way, you're going to burn out, wasting your time, effort, and resources. Spending time with a close friend seems to be the best way to decompress. Dust off that bottle of wine you'd been saving–people, alcohol is not meant to be saved! It's here to save you!–and settle in for a night of old-school chatter. There are lots of stories that you've been missing out on, and you need to keep on top of your gossip. But take some advil and drink a glass of water before you pass the fuck out. You have to work tomorrow, remember?

Libra (September 23-October 22)
This week, you're back on top. Your body, brain, and other, ahem, biological elements, are in a state of extreme efficiency. You must take advantage of this surge in productivity. I suggest the following regiment: Day One, bucketloads of sex. Did you see that article in Cosmo? It's time to try some of those things out, hotstuff. Don't be shy. Day Two, some major breakthroughs at the proverbial office. Flaunt it, sweetcheeks. You'll get it if you demand it. Day Three, umm, let's just go back to Day One and repeat as desired. Don't forget lubrication. It's the nectar of the gods.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
An excellent opportunity is on your plate and you need to weigh all the factors carefully. Before you jump into things, remember that you have the power to negotiate. Two weeks' vacation can easily become four, with three paid. A twenty minute lap dance can be extended for half the price if you work your charm. Quite simply, you just need to remember that you're not one to be jerked around. Unless of course, she's incredibly fucking hot with warm, smooth hands. You're in charge here, so start acting like it. Don't be such a little bitch.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You know, sometimes when people are talking about you, it means you should pay attention to what they're saying. You're not acting yourself this week, and it's going to raise some eyebrows. In fact, maybe it's going to raise more than just an eyebrow. If you're feeling frisky, run with it. Of course, watch where you're going. If you're blindly looking for a party, those whispers will include words like "skank," "STD," and perhaps even "so fucking drunk." Let's aim for the more prestigious buzz words: "animal," "insatiable," and "incredibly fucking hot."

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Man, I don't think you got the hint last week. You're still holding onto something that should be released, Capricorn. I'm not sure if it's your job, your love interest, or some rockstar that you're still convinced you can bag. Return to the world of logic before you get trapped up in this neverending reverie. People are starting to wonder about you, and you're already weird enough without their rumors running about. Put on a nice suit and make an impression at the next meeting, business or sexual. Reminiscing about the migh-have-beens is totally making you look gay. Even if you are gay already.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week, you're unusually chipper. You probably don't even know why, but let's see where it takes you. I'm envisioning a frolic in the field, possibly in the nude, while blowing some bubbles. No? No good? Ok, how about a trip to the zoo with lots of cotton candy and big-ass lollipops? Strike two? Jesus. Ok, let's see…fuck. I think maybe you should just tone down your cheery, hippie, freaky pleasure spell. Because I don't think anyone, including yourself, is prepared to see you naked, with a lollipop, dancing to the Grateful Dead.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
This week is going to leave you feeling conflicted, I think. You're in a really happy spot at the moment, but you're about to experience one of your signature mood spells. Try not to get too emotional, though. It's always likely that you're overreacting on any given subject or event. In fact, if you don't start taking things for face value, I'll have to slap you in the neck. Yes, the neck. It's never an expected place to be struck, and, thus, much more effective. Do not make your hot astrologer bitch-neck slap you. Becuase I totally fucking will.

I speak the truth, my sexy bitches, so try not to complain. If you're not happy with your horospoke, use the Contact Us form to voice your concerns. From there, it will be reviewed by a group of strikingly attractive, intelligent women who will mock you for as long as it suits them.

Thanks, as always, for stopping by. I look forward to seeing you next week, when I'm back in my comfort zone. The South….so….southern…

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
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• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007