Holiday Girlfriend for a Day
Stamped: November 30th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dress up, get rich quick schemes, girlfriend for a day, holiday hijinks, marketing.
That's right folks. I could be your holiday girlfriend for a day. Much like the previous Girlfriend-for-a-Day offerings, this is sure to be a crowd pleaser.
Let's say you're not ready to come clean with your coworkers/friends/family about the fact that you spend your nights tivo-ing the latest episode of The Apprentice and trolling all-female blogs. With all the social events on the horizon, there are a finite number of excuses you have at your disposal to slough off your stag status. And despite your best efforts to portray a James Dean/Lone Wolf exterior you know ultimately you come off as a bit of a loser. Frankly you'll never make partner at the firm/ be up for that promotion from fry cook to assistant manager/ or make your married older brother writhe with envy if you don't show up with the right gal.
So, in a recent meeting with my marketing department we came up with the following packages for your next holiday function.
Package A
The Office Party: I wear a hot, low cut red velvet dress and those heels that make me 6 feet tall. I weave comments into the conversation about what a stud-gasm you are and how utterly satisfied I am. I do a sultry rendition of Miss Otis Regrets on karaoke while your coworkers pat you on the back and glare hatefully at their respective spouses. After ten glasses of mulled wine you find me in the janitor's closet blowing your boss. $79.99
Package B
Your married-with-children best friend's tree trimming party: I wear a short red and green plaid skirt and thigh-high boots. I say witty and scintillating things that make your friend and his wife feel like complete idiots since the extent of their conversations is "Did little Timmy go potty today?" We continue to brag about staying out till 4am at Luke and Leroys laughing it up with Madge or sleeping till noon on Saturdays. After 9 glasses of "grown-up" egg nog I vomit all over little Timmy while he's bouncing on your knee. $59.99
Package C
Christmas Eve or Hannakuh at your Parents: I wear green corduroy pants and a snowman sweater (oh my god, your mom has the same one? that's amazing!) During dinner I impress your mother with a lively discussion on my current knitting projects and your father with my knowledge of an internal combustion engine. (She's a keeper, son!) (Are you sure she's a shiksa?) We go to bed (seperate bedrooms, of course). You awake at 3am to the sound of me moaning loudly from your 17 year old brother's bedroom. $129.99 (without the snowman sweater $29.99)
Package D
New Year's Eve Gala Ball: You take me to a fancy-smancy super expensive New Year's Eve ball. I wear the blue dress pictured above (and no panties). I make you look ultra sauve on the dance floor, twirling me about tango style. Well, after all, you're such a great lead, wink wink. It's getting close to midnight and realizing we have no champagne to toast I run to the catering staff. Tick. Tock. 11:59pm. Tick. Tock. 12:05am. Tick. Tock. 12:45am. I come stumbling out of the kitchen with chef/foodie, Joe DeSalazar, and my dress is lopsided. Oops, sorry. Free! (since Joe is hot and you paid for the event, I figure it's only fair.)
Happy Holidays!
* Coupons not accepted at this time.
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I’m going with package A this time because a) my boss really needs to relax and b) it will probably get me a promotion. What are you doing for Easter?
Cool deal. But I’m a bit broke right now. Do you have a bargain deal where it’s just you and me clumsily photoshopped into a bunch of wallet-sized pictures together?
ooo, ooo, ooo, package c sounds fun. Forget the snowman sweater though, I’m still on a Christmas budget here. Oh yeah, my brother is 26 but I’m sure you’re fine with that.
You do realize that Hanukkah is eight nights… do I get to keep you the whole time for the same price? You know us Jews, Meme, always looking for a bargain. But we’re good in bed. And we don’t beat up our women. We let them beat us up.
How much to just ignore me?
Uh, Neil?
What part of “For a Day” don’t you get? Does being a cheap bastard cause you to engage in selective reading?
And Mikey - we’ll do a custom package for you. When you hear the moans from your brother’s bedroom, that’s when you give me a call.
Pauly, you’re impossible to ignore…so that could be expensive.
and Kevin, i’d do that for free. but i can’t guarantee that they wouldn’t a) be distributed all over the internets and b) show you in a less then flattering position.
casey, what gives with the hot photo? you just shot right to the top of my list, beating out lexie (though she still has the accent over you).
In regards to Package A: how tall are you naturally? Just curious.
I’ll take “Package A”… mulled wine sounds fun… but only if I can have a long passionate kiss from those luscious rose petal lips before you disappear into the janitor’s closet.
Oh btw, did I mention that I’m the boss.
BM (hehe..BM..hehe) since you asked: 5′8″…you have a problem with taller women?
Then that package would be a 2fer for you, Alan, and well, that’s extra.
You should have waited to tell me that after the wine.
What if my boss is a woman?
Okay, I’ve asked that one already.
omg, “trolling all female blogs.” guilty.
do you take credit cards?
Package C. Package B I can get for free
Package B sounds about right. Timmy needs to learn some goddamn life lessons anyway. For one, never bounce on my knee. That spot is reserved for the ladies.
Package A. Blow my boss or anyone else (have you met my boss?), I’m good with it as long as I can hear you doing Miss Otis Regrets. Now that would feel like a real Christmas shindig! Could you also do In the Still of the Night?
You’re on Lexie. Already have the whiskey for ya.
No ma’am, I like tall women. Especially ones in 4″ heels.
now package D is my idea of ringing in the new year. and it’s free? usually i need to fork over at least a few hundred dollars in booze for new year’s love.
joe, joe, joe….you’ve been hanging out with the wrong women. maybe we could do a new year’s eve practice run…tonight?