A Mid-Winter’s Night Fever Dream
Stamped: December 8th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: cry for help, holiday hijinks.
If I were sick, I would have some sweet young thing bring me over my favorite chicken-in-a-pot soup from Saul's and lovingly spoon it out for me. He would surprise me with my favorite rugalach for dessert.
If I were sick, my gentleman caller would show up at my doorstep with 5 movies, none of which I'd seen, all of which I'd wanted to see for ages and each and every one of them side-splittingly funny.
If I were sick, my adorable boyfriend would tell me how crazy it is that I can still look so sexy even when congested, feverish, and coughing up phlegm every 5 minutes.
If I were sick, my long distance paramour would send me a care package of chamomile tea, a special mixed cd to cheer me up with 0% holiday music, and non-allergenic flowers that never wilted nor died.
If I were sick, the man I had just started dating would quietly let himself in, run me a bath, do all my dishes and then read me to me my favorite short stories from Sam the Cat while I was soaking in the tub.
If I were sick, all of my exes–OK, only the ones with whom I am currently speaking–would rush over and bake me bread, lay cold compresses on my head, fight over who was going to tuck me, and massage my feet until I fell asleep.
If I were sick, my sugar daddy would run out and buy the most equisite and personalized gifts for each member of my family, artistically wrap each one, limn each a poem, and send them off in the mail for on-time holiday delivery.
If I were sick, my secret crush would knit me the most gorgeous mohair scarf having learned how to knit should such an occasion as my sickness ever arrive. He would leave me love notes and silly homemade gifts every day at my door until he finished the scarf. Then he would proudly knock on the door, wearing nothing but the gorgeous mohair scarf. This final gift arriving, of course, on Christmas Eve.
Thank god I am not sick, or I would really not know what to do with all of this attention. Nor how to fairly divide my time. It just might encourage a girl to get sick more often.
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Comments
You forgot about the part where each one of these hypothetical guys ends up trying to kill at least one of others when they find out just what a polygamist you’ve been during snot season.
What? The winter holiday season is THE time for polygamy. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. Or sickness. Or whatever.
You could always fake being sick.
If I were sick, my manfriend would plop into bed next to me and let out a gigantic sigh, “So, I guess this means I’m not getting any tonight, huh?”
…Oh wait. We’re supposed to be saying what we *wish* they’d do…
Yeah, all of the above. Especially the movies, the spoon feeding, and the massages. I feel better already.
Pauly, I was never good at faking it.
Gotta get my eyes checked… the post said
> “fight over who was going to tuck me”,
but that’s NOT what I read.
dsylexia, he he, that’s a good ‘un.
Gee, I’ve never limned for a girl before. Sounds difficult. I’d better the Learning Annex.
And look at all these boys in your fantasy!
Whore.