Stamped: December 12th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Ever seeking to entertain and enlighten you, my readers, we are going to try this horospoke™ with-a-twist once again. This go-around, we'll look to the figurative stars: a horospoke™ by association, if you will. On a side note, by way of research, I learned that most modern-day "it"celebrities are born in either December or July. I think that means that you Cancers and Sagittarians are some twisted fucks. Or, just terribly fated to never find a lasting companion nor possess the common sense on how to marry logically. For the rest of you, I found some celebrites anyway, though I still think there's more to this July/December thing. Some kind of conspiracy…

But I'll save my Hollywood Expose for another time. For now, it's all you and your freaky celebrity astological counterparts. Read about how wonderful your life is as a NON celebrity. Get the bottom line and make sure you adjust your life accordingly this week. As always, don't say I didn't warn you, and I told you so.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Typically, you are a strong spirt. Consider this when viewing the likes of your kind after they've been bounced through the rock-tumbler that is Hollywood. Representing the males, we've got Vince Vaughn and Kevin Federline. That's not much when you consider that Vaughn will ever be known as the guy who dated GQs first ever woMAN of the Year. And K-Fed? Yeah, 'nuff said. The chicks do a little better with Jennifer Garner and Reese Witherspoon in their corner; but there's also a plethora of has-beens. Even Garner managed to screw up a hit show by thinking it could survive without her sexy male partner. and Witherspoon? C'mon. Southerners don't belong in California! Jenna's Judgement: you're too cocky for your own good. Do something about that please.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Those of you claiming the Taurus title should be careful of how you flaunt it. Looking through the Hollywood microscope, your sign is full of people with questionable sexuality. The most obvious of these is Dennis Rodman, but we can write him off as a super-freak exception to the rule. Kinda. You also have Kirstin Dunst who is perpetually dating and not dating the man that is the sexual obsession of Trent (of pink is the new blog). Further, there's Jessica Alba and Trent Reznor. Jessica dates old, ugly people and I'm almost positive that Reznor is asexual. Jenna's Judgement: this week, you're kinda hot, but in a weird way. Take it down a notch or look into talking to someone about that (read: therapy or Hollywood executive specializing in Reality TV).

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You? You! You are just super dreamy and oozing sexuality. You know those kind of people that just kind of shout "SEX! SEX! SEX!" when you see them? I can't be the only one. Well, regardless, that's you when viewed through some rose-colored Hollywood glasses. Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp represent your sign with the dreamy, tall-dark-and-handsome, delicate-in-interviews-but-must-be-animalistic-in-the-sack persona. Jenna's Judgement: do it UP this week, tiger! you're going to be the center of desire and you need to run with it straight to party town.

Cancer (June 22-July22)
Cancer? I'm going to try to put this lightly. You seem really nice and all, maybe even endearing. But then, you kinda slip up and remind the world that you're really just a fuck-up. Like, you're nice to look at, but then you say something about tuna fish being chicken or something (a-la Jessica Simpson). Or you get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, get all fanatic and pregnant within, uh, weeks, and–before we know it–you're buying your own friggin sonogram equipment. (via Tom Cruise's portal.) Jenna's Judgement: lay low this week. You're beyond the point of getting on everyone's nerves.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
My Hollywood Leos seem to shine true with most of you plebian Leos out there. We've got the big-headed (literally AND figuratively) Ben Affleck working valiantly on trying to stay "real" in the face of big, bright lights. Yet he's managed to drop all his friends (Matt Damon…who?) and get the Lopez makeover before finally getting all basic with his most-men-will-remember-you-because-of-the-red-wig fantasy wifey. And Madonna? Come on. You're not THAT good looking for an old lady. Half your photos could be used as Halloween decoration, and that gap between your teeth…I know you can afford cosmetic orthodontia. Jenna's Judgement: we know you're hot, but you need to remember that you still have a big head and weird teeth.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Even the reliably neurotic Virgos fare poorly in Hollywood. Let's take a look at Nicole Richie, first of all. She's the Virgo born to a crappy, adulterous musician and despite the lap of luxury in which she lived, rebelled enough to get hooked on heroin. Poor bastard. I'm sure it's tough. At least now you're skinny and can afford big sunglasses. Oh, and you're engaged! you've been engaged! No, I'm serious. I feel your pain; even Oliver effing Stone needs to decompress every now and then! Jenna's Judgement: take it easy this week. You're going to be stressed, but is it really worth another stint in rehab?

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Oye, Libra. The thing with you, my Hollywood representation of fairness and justice, is that you are missing the part where you are true to yourself. Do you actually think, Gwenyth Paltrow, that you should have ever attempted to act simply because your mom kind of rocked in those somewhat prestigious films back in the day? Thank goodness for Meet the Parents. I know you did vocalize that you're worse as a musician when you sang with Huey friggin Lewis, but still. And Meatloaf? Who named you? More importantly, why did they let you act in Fight Club? Man boobs? Cancer or not, it's gross. Jenna's Judgement: for some reason, you're trying to be something you're not this week. You're not fooling anyone, so cut that shit out.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
the Scorpios of tinsel town have always managed to score more than they seem worthy of. You seem either abrasive, overly quirky, or downright ugly on the surface. But Ryan Gosling, Ethan Hawke, and Leonardo DiCaprio have all shacked up with gorgeous chicks. Why ask why when you can just ask How!? Even the female Scorpios have the magic down to a science. Look at Winona Ryder, Chloe Sevigny, and Demi Moore! Winona is the ritual stop through which all emerging rock stars must pass! Chloe, one of the most ugly women on Earth, is a super model! Demi is sleeping with a very young boy under the guise of marriage! Jenna's Judgement: you are milking it this week. I'm not sure what spell you've cast, but work it up while it lasts.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The Sagittarians inhabit the current Hollywood powerhouse. They've laid claim via Katie Holmes, Britney Spears, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Brad Pitt. So yes, you are rich. And sure, you are pretty nice looking. Ok, ok: you're fucking hot. But (yes, this is a big "but"), you're also blowing it! Katie? Stop letting Tom Cruise ultra-sound your baby! He's probably got an alien cooking in there! Snap out of it! Britney? We get it. You got married. Have a kid. You're grown up. Now, please PLEASE go brush your hair. Jake? Stop being so goddamn hot. Give the little guys a chance this holiday season. And Brad, you're just a tard. Jenna's Judgement: you have proven your point, so kindly shut the fuck up. You think you're helping or something, but you're really just scaring the children

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Ok, Capricorns. There is something noteworthy when every single one of my Hollywood Heartthrobs have been born under your sign: Jude Law, Patrick Dempsey, and Jared Leto. The thing is that you seem to be outweighed by the women. Look at Kate Moss and Maureen Dowd. They're two firey chicks that simply won't fall down no matter how many grainy cell-phone pictures catch them in the act of inhaling illegal drugs, or how many death threats for being kind of overbearing and annoying they get in the mail (possibly laced with fake Anthrax). Jenna's Judgement: you're really pretty, so let this moment be what it is. Just you hush your mouth.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
When you think annoying-in-Hollywood, you should probably think Aquarius. We have seen way too much of Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton's friggin boobs. I think I could identify them almost as well as Meatloaf's man-boobs from Fight Club. Even if you have something good to say, you're still just as cringe-worthy, Oprah. I mean, get fucking married already. Jeez. And Ashton Kutcher? John Travolta? You guys are weird. Ashton, you should be dating Rumer, not her mom. And John, you wanna gas up your plane? Jennifer Anniston is late for her transgender operation. Jenna's Judgement: reassess the image you'd like to broadcast. You seem to have more to offer, but we're having trouble picking up on that over here.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
The Pisces are the bottom of the barrell in Hollywood terms. If they're not busy killing themselves like Kurt Cobain, they're typically either bombing as a star (Rue McClanahan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rob Lowe) or living it up as an intellectual (Johnny Cash, Ron Howard, Tammy Faye Bakker, Chelsea Clinton). Eh, quite simply, you don't belong here little guppie. The big bad fish are going to eat you alive and sticking around will only be painful and embarrassing. Your mother must feel really bad for raising you with false hopes. Jenna's Judgement: you need to be realistic about your goals this week or you'll end floating at the top of the tank.

Oh! And remember that there are only like 13 shopping days left 'til Christmas. Get me something pretty. It's only fair since I regularly and reliably make your life easier to live. I'm a size 8. See you next week, darlings.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007