Stamped: December 26th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas, or if you don't celebrate (how the fuck could you not celebrate? it's like an American tradition, you unpatriotic sonofabitch), I hope you had a nice boring Sunday.

As a gal that does celebrate Christmas for the pure materialistic phenomenon that it is, I am going to give you just the comedown that you need from this season of shove-that-cheer- up-your-ass- fatman: a pure dose of tough love. I've got to level with you kids; this week is not looking pretty. In fact, if you were within arm's reach, you'd get a nice dose of physical abuse instead of the beeping of my bullshit detector. You see, people tend to start spewing lots of crap around this time of year. Lucky for you, I am here to keep you on the straight and narrow. At least you have that to be happy about this holiday. Even if you did get a pile of worthless, oversized, tasteless gifts.

Ok, enough of my rants (I'm bitter that Meme is making me work on BABY JESUS DAY). Here's the twist: I'm going to list your horoscopes in no partcular order. Well, they'll be in order, but not by your sign. Just find a category that fits you the best and learn something new.

I hear you: But, why Jenna? Why the fuck are doing that, you annoying retard? Well, darling, I think I'm doing it because I'm lazy. And being lazy is SO my balls right now.

See the heading and gain some knowledge. Simple, right? Onward, ho's.

Bloggers
Heh. I started with you because you are the most screwed. In short, remember that you are not cool. Really, no writers are cool. Even the cool ones kind of suck ass. I know, I know. You want to blog, NEED to blog. I get it. Just remember that people like you make my job a whole lot easier. This week, you'll likely write something about your New Year's resolutions, how much you wish you had someone to share the holidays with, or maybe something involving your new toys and an incredible hangover. b.o.r.i.n.g. If you're looking to emerge from this quagmire of lame, try switching it up a bit. Either realize the world, in fact, does not revolve around you, or start posting titty shots. Everyone loves a little boob.

Computer Tech Types
You are actually in decent shape, my little computer geek. You've been riding this wave of Geeks Are Hot and have managed to establish yourself somewhat among the cool kids. (Or, you know, have been working toward leaving your house at least once a week.) The thing is that you'll soon need to work at maintaining this social status. You're one of the few that actually should get a gym membership, though I know you won't. It's just as well, because I'm sure you'd never use it anyway. Instead, focus your energy on getting onto Project Runway. Trust me. The irony of the situation is a humor that will outlive your plastic framed glasses. Oh, but you should probably do away with the facial hair. The scruffy look never did do it for anyone.

Alcoholics
Dude, you fucking drink too much. Sober up, shithead. It's a miracle you haven't been publically humiliated this week with all those holiday parties, so cut your losses. At least switch your substance of abuse. The money you'd spend on higher end addictives is an investment far more sound than your financial advisor would suggest. Tara Reid? Boozer. Trash. Not hot. Kate Moss? Every other supermodel or Hollywood "It Girl"? They're all sportin' the nose candy and evading the skanky photo-ops in the process. Play it safe though, and hire a nutritionist to keep you from shedding too many pounds. Remember, it's all about the image.

Whores
This whole slutty gig is cool and all because it's giving you what you want, but let's be serious. Attention is only worthwhile when it's coming from men who do not boast the 'stache. Further, you feel the guilt and it's totally starting to show. A guilty whore is no better than a wet dog. Not only do they smell a little, but now they also look kinda funny. It's a buzzkill, my love. You're going to need to reassess this week. As I see it, you have two options. One: go all out and just fuck for money. Two: drop the act and use your fucking brain before Friedan and Steinem get all feminist on your VD'd ass.

Pretentious Pricks
Ahh, the PP! You guys have it made because there's always a live-long-and-prosper niche for you in this world. You are everywhere and you're not showing any signs of moving on. However, you too can ruin what you've established by forgetting a cardinal rule. In order to maintain your facade of superiority, the art of sarcasm and parody is your closest friend. During those times when you are actually called on behaving like the aforementioned ass that you are, you need to be quick and witty. Oh, surely you didn't think I was serious! C'mon, with people like you around, how could I be so manipulative! It's immoral! (The backsided compliment is your trump card when in a pinch.)

Overspenders
We all know your deal. The thing that sucks is that you think we don't. I mean, whether you're cool or lame is not going to be swayed much by your attire or current ride. I'll give you an example. Ew, there goes Jane. She's such a bitch. Though, she did have some hot fucking boots! I mean, what's most memorable here? The "she sucks" sentiment or the fact that she has good taste? Contrary to what you think, we'll remember your nauseating attitude much longer than your boots. In fact, your attitude will likely sway our judgement of said boots. (Especially if they're Uggs. Only a wench like you would pay $200 for some ugly-ass slippers.) This week, try something new. Wear the same thing twice!

Workhorses
This is the place to be. Honestly, if you can manage to work your ass off now, resisiting the urge to sleep in like the rest of us imbibing fools, I salute you. I mean, sure you're going to annoy the shit out of some people here and there, but as long as you are making buttloads of cash, you can even the load in the long-run. Make sure at least 15-20% of your net worth goes to charitable groups and you'll be hotter than Bono and Angelina in the midst of poverty-stricken Africa. Plus, you've been scoring more oral sex than Clinton all along the way! And isn't that what life is really all about? Yes, Mr. Gates. Yes, it is.

Hipsters
Change it up before it's too late. 2006 will turn you all into the next Kool-Aid drinking, Scientology practicing, all-black wearing freaks that you are. And by then, you'll be the social outcast that you've been pretending to be all along. While you cry, we shall laugh. So just cut your goddamn hair and stop wearing women's jeans.

Those of you who are thinking What if I'm more than one category?!
You are so predictable. (And that's annoying.) You need to make that leap, you whiney little bitch. Decisions can be scary. Yeah, whatever. Life is so stressful. Get over it. You're going to make the wrong choice, just like everyone esle. Learn to deal. If you can't, kindly leave. And by leave, I mean, be more like me. Or just drink more red wine before it's time to choose; wine makes things seem all the more what-the-fuck-ever! (Which is why I've been drinking lots of it while writing this for you all.)

Don't drink too much on New Years'. And for the love of humanity, find someone—anyone—to kiss at midnight.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007