Zoie (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie
Stamped: December 29th, 2005 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: unsolicited advice.
girlspoke’s unsolicited bad-advice columnist
Sure, there are a lot of advice columns out there about dating and sex, but none quite like this one. Let me introduce myself. I’m Zoie, a serial monogamist with a strong, consistent record for cheating on whoever I happen to be dating. Just to give you an idea what I am capable of, I once screwed around with three people in the same day. One of them was engaged; two of them were roommates; not all of them were men. I go through them so quick because I am just that good at relationships. I am even better when you get me drinking. My panties somehow fall to my ankles of their own accord when I have as little as half a glass of wine. I make my best relationship decisions under these conditions.
I am sure you can understand why, when girlspoke was in need of a dating/sex advice columnist, they turned to me. Who better to dole out advice on the art of loving and being loved than Zoie? No one is more full of it (advice, that is) than me.
Did I mention the advice I give is unsolicited? Not everybody has the courage to ask for help. That’s where I come in. I scour the blogosphere looking for those who need my expert opinion on the art of love — and the game of lust.
This week, I turn my attention to Kristin at grow some testicles, who has a little dating problem. Here’s the situation:
Haha, everytime I think I'm taking a break, something happens. This time, the theatre company that I'm doing my show with decided to have a party in the theatre tonight. Cool, woohoo. Lots of free booze, I love it. Soooooooo, I'm talking to the playwright that has expressed interest. I'm still not sure about him, as y'all know, but he asks for my #, and I give it to him. (My policy is to always give ppl a chance). This is very early on in the evening. So, we're all chatting, networking, the usual, and this totally hot actor is talking, and maybe flirting(?) with me? I can't tell. But again, we're partying on stage, so he's like, oh, we should sit down, and leads me to sit down with him backstage… Oh! I didn't realize. So we're talking backstage, alone, and it feels really awkward, like we're 12, or something, and everyone starts making fun of us, like we're making out, but we're not, and then he actually DOES kiss me, and woah. It was nice, but short. And then the party breaks up, and he leaves, and doesn't get my #, and I'm disappointed. But I'll see him at the next show, so I guess I shouldn't be. I guess I'm just confused. I think I'm not entirely sure what just happened….
Wait a sec. What just happened here? Kristin gives her number out to a playwright — just because she’s an upstanding person who gives people a chance — but she doesn’t kiss him. Then she lets an actor kiss her, but he doesn’t ask for her number. What went wrong? Kristin clearly needs some direction.
First, donate. Giving out your number is not a charitable action. If you want to show goodwill toward your fellow people, give your number to a charity, then stand by to answer the phone when that charity calls with its solicitations. And be prepared to spread your wallet wide open, exposing its supple skin, as you give it the best donation it’s ever had.
Second, barter. If you run into a hot actor at a party, I’d advise against slinking off with him at all. And I would definitely be leery about slinking off with him like a brace-faced middle-schooler who can’t wait to be felt up in the coat closet during recess by the popular boy. Having said that, I understand hormones can lead a girl to make bad decisions. (I’ve totally been there, like, bunches of times.) So if you have to make out with hot actor guy, give him your number up front. Or make a game of it: For every sexual act you perform, he must write down one digit of your phone number. I am sure with an offer like that — and a clear articulation of the seven to ten nasty things you’d be willing to do with him — hot actor guy would suddenly want your number in its entirety. (He might even ask for a second number at which you can be reached.) Make sure you give him the digits in order, though, or he will spend an inordinate amount of time trying all the possible combinations before he finally finds the right one.
Third, put out. My final piece of advice involves the playwright. You should fuck him. Why not? It’s the perfect strategy. Fuck him and then, while the two of you are lying in bed smoking cigarettes, take advantage of his vulnerability. He won’t be thinking clearly. This is the time to tell him how talented you think hot actor guy is. Tell him you would really like to see hot actor guy cast as the lead in the playwright’s next play. The playwright will surely do your bidding, especially if he thinks he’ll get another sprig out of you. And then he will invite you to that play’s wrap party, where you will have another chance to get with hot actor guy. (If you play your cards right, you might even hook up with a hotter actor guy at that party).
Now, get out there and get busy,
Zoie
Last 5 posts by Zoie
- C'mon, You Know You Want To - February 16th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie: Breaking All the Rules - February 2nd, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Single Men, Seize the (Valentine’s) Day - January 19th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Help, My Fuck Buddy Is a Psycho Stalker - January 12th, 2006
- Do Your Panties Leave Him Panting? - January 10th, 2006
Holy crap! That was awesome!
Welcome to Girlspoke, Zoie!
OMG, Zoie, I love it. Thank you!!!!!
;)
T.A.B. You’re just trying to flatter your way into my panties.
Kristin, what can I say? Us girls gotta help each other out.
*ahem* i think what you meant to say, Zoie, was that ‘us girls gotta help each other out of our panties.
in fact, i’m sure of it.
Let me help you out of your panties, Brando. What, don’t wear panties, you say? I bet you would if I asked nice enough.
Some of this advice seems pretty usable so I’m going to have to make some corrections. Ok, hot actor guy, let’s just forget him. What is he ever going to be? Just hot actor guy everyone and their brother is an actor, hell I do it all the times and bars and clubs (I can actually convince girls that I am in someway interested in what ever crap is coming out of their mouth).
But the playwright, you might have something going there. I would see what he can do for you and what he can get you. Maybe he could end up writing a play that a major studio wants to turn into a movie and you know who’s not going to be in that movie, hot actor guy because he is now serving coffee to some 16 year old kid at a Starbucks.
So I say go for the one that is more likely to have more money and assets when you get tanked go to Vegas and the 2 week marriage ends in divorce.
George often wonders about the hairless creatures with long hair. He is not sure, but they never seem to give him any bananas. The Man in the Yellow Hat sometimes is around these strange creatures, but he never gives them any bananas. George likes that they don’t get any bananas and he does. Occationally when George is mad that the Man in the Yellow Hat is eating bananas with the hairless creatures he will throw his poo at them. He doesn’t do that very often because then the Man in the Yellow Hat doesn’t give him any bananas for a long time and George becomes scard that he is losing the future.
Umm, this is not (Not that You) Ask(ed) Ryan, is it?
Zoie, where’d you get those panties? They’re hot.
George wonders if this Jenna can be his girlfriend. George gives the most wonderful advice too. He has monkey panties though so it’s hard for him to relate. George has a big banana in his panties that he only shares with special girls.
Also, when he goes to put on a condom, gently say “I’m alergic to latex.” Then give him one of these
Jenna, I’m not telling. You have the sexy lollipop. I get the sexy panties.
And Ryan, don’t be scared of Jenna and her lollipop. She’s all talk and no lick. The beauty of unsolicited advice is anyone can give it.
George, monkey panties? I’ll believe it when I see it.
It’s true, George has the most wonderful monkey panties. They were his christmas gift from the Man in the Yellow hat.
http://www.escapade.co.uk/cgi-bin/static/Monkey_Underwear.asp
I have never been intimidated by a lollipop in my life. Despite whatever stories you heard in the Midwest and east coast; the story just isn’t true whatsoever.
I do agree with you on one thing though…the best advice is made while inebriated. However, why in the hell is it that the same advice I give when I am drunk I cannot take while I’m drunk? One of life’s little mysteries I guess.
mmm, you said lick…
and George, as a general rule, I cannot date men that talk about men more than women. or monkeys. or bananas. or yellow hats. or themselves, in the third person.
Ryan, you know, I vaguely remember this crazy, drunken night I once had with some guy I’d just met. Everything was going great until I pulled out a lollipop. He freaked and ran off. Hey. Wait a sec. That wasn’t you by any chance, was it?
George, if I saw that monkey underwear heading my direction, I would smack you with my prehensile tail, let out a monkey screech and run for the trees.
Zoie, it is true…I will finally come clean with this story. The reason I took off when you pulled it out is due to “The Great Lollipop in Ryan’s Ass Incident of 2003.” So there I’ve finnally put it out there.
So that is why I freak out every time I see lollipops, grossly long finger nails, thick plastic or rubber objects, barracudas, gerbils, socks, mittens, marbles, Matchbox cars, Bacardi 151 bottles, lighters, lawn gnomes and geese.
That’s too bad, Ryan. I am really into mittens.
Yeah, so was I. Until mittens were really into me. I’ve almost conquered my fear of mittens because that was quite a long time ago, however the reconciliation of the texture will haunt me for the rest of my life. Must be Thursday because I am out of my freaking mind admitting all this to you; to my justification I’m probably still buzzing from the past…god I need to quit drinking for real this time.
Ryan, remember that you can’t blame all mittens for the act of one errant pair. And don’t feel bad for admitting your secrets to me. I have a way of getting people to open up.
So that’s how the mittens got there!
I went to a certain kind of party tonight and thought I’d see if I couldn’t take advantage of your advice. I’ve never had much luck as a playwright so I decided to go as a hot actor guy. Surely someone would hit on me?
With this in mind, I went to the tanning salon before the affair and gave myself an extra dose of the tanning business. End result was I may have been a little too mulatto for a Caucasian guy, and I was walking a little funny due to the fact that I probably should have worn a thong for the session.
Well. Things did not go as anticipated. No only did no one try to score with me, I got beat up. Several times, actually. It was just like high school when I went to parties as a jock, grabbing my testicles and scratching my behind.
What, oh, what, am I doing wrong?
Panties, panties, panties — Who cares? Their beauty lies when taken off…
Excellent advice, especially about her putting out to the playwright. As a playwright myself, this just happens way too infrequently in real life.
However, I was very offended by the mention of cigarette smoking in the bedroom. Must I remind you of the health risks of cigarettes. Can’t they be doing something equally sexy post-bliss in bed together like drinking Diet Snapples?
I can’t believe I totally missed this yesterday! DAMN. This could have so come in handy for me at the local Target.
Bill, sounds to me like you’re doing everything just right. I don’t know what the problem could be.
Neil, how’s this: “Fuck him and then, while the two of you are lying in bed drinking Diet Snapples, take advantage of his vulnerability.” Yes, I think that’s equally hot. Or hotter, even.
Pauly D, how did you know those panties came from Target? Have you been following me again? Or do you just have an intimate knowledge of Target’s lingerie section?