Zoie (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: How to Drive a Man Crazy
Stamped: January 5th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: unsolicited advice.
girlspoke’s unsolicited bad-advice columnist
Ladies, ever found yourself involved in heavy one-way flirting with a man who didn’t seem nearly as hot and bothered as you? Men, ever given off lukewarm vibes to a woman you weren’t really that into? Then you know what Jo is going through. She’s been bowled over by a man who doesn’t exactly seem bowled over by her, and she recently wrote Breakup Babe for advice:
Now I really like this guy, and as I'm incapable of being mysterious, he knows that I really like him. And sometimes he seems to like me too, but on several occasions (after I've said something that is particularly charming to him), he has said something along the lines of, “How is it that I'm not crazy about you?”
But this story has a twist. The two have had zero face time. Jo describes this relationship as a “blog crush” that amounts to hours of chatting and nothing more. Breakup Babe gave Jo some pretty decent advice about what the man’s comments mean and how to respond. But I have some worse advice for you, Jo. It may not have any merit, but my advice is hella fun.
So you haven’t even met this guy, and you are concerned about whether he’s crazy about you? Have you seen a photo of him, one that’s not extremely Photoshopped? (Here’s a hint to help you tell: Look for unrealistic bulges, both on his arms and between his legs.) Have you heard his voice to know whether it’s full and deep or high and tinny? Do you know how he carries himself when he enters a room? Does he have a smoldering presence like Matthew McConaughey, or is he a technosexual like Larry Page or Sergey Brin?
If you don’t know the answers to all of the above, how can you say whether you are really crazy about him? Until you have a better picture of who this man is and if he’s capable of making your toes curl, I say have some fun with the situation. Here’s what I recommend.
Get your ass in the driver’s seat.
You want to be wanted, not to be begging for his affections. Breakup Babe says not to flirt with this man anymore. I say flirt with this man even more. Break out your best and most-provocative fantasy-sex scenarios, and titillate the shit out of the poor boy. A few sizzling e-mail interchanges — anything involving how uncomfortable your panties are and how you have to get out of them ASAP — and you’ll have him panting.
Talk about drawing a feather across your thighs, then across his. Talk about your thigh-highs and how you’d love to have him remove them with his teeth, if and when the two of you ever meet. He won’t just be crazy for you. He’ll be Crazy for You 2.0™, making reservations for the next flight out to wherever you happen to live. Once you’ve got him where you want him, which won’t be long, you can sit back on your lovely ass and assess how you really feel about him.
And, for your first meeting, might I suggest hooking up with him in a dark alley somewhere, so the two of you can act out an innocent-girl-gets-fucked-against-brick-wall-by-seedy-stranger scenario. He is a stranger after all, and meeting (and fucking) strangers in dark alleys is definitely the best course of action. Definitely.
Keep him blindfolded during the trip.
You told Breakup Babe this man knows you like him because you aren’t capable of being mysterious. Some people would advise you to go with that instinct. Have a heart to heart with him about your feelings. Get it all out on the table, the whole sappy, emotional mess, they’d say.
I say letting him know how you feel outright poses a huge problem. Even when you are throwing yourself at a man, you need to hold a little something back to keep him guessing. Liken these early flirty stages to a striptease. You wouldn’t just walk out on stage buck naked. If you did, even if you have an amazing set of tits and a tight little ass, there would be no thrill. You need to show him some skin, then turn away before he’s even sure what he’s seen. This will leave him wanting to see more.
Remember, I’m not talking about your body here. I am talking about your feelings, which are much more important (and much more difficult) for women to keep under wraps. Rather than berating him with a piercing, siren-like, I LIKE YOU, I LIKE YOU, I LIKE YOU, act like a true siren by whispering I like you so softly he can barely tell what you’ve said. He’ll move in closer to hear you. Say it again, even softer, then give his ear a little nibble. Next thing you know, you’ll be talking to one another in panting, hushed tones intermittently punctuated by sighs. At that point, both your feelings will be clear.
And if for some reason that doesn’t work, just walk away, period. But make sure you do an actual striptease before you go, so he can see the incredible hourglass bod that awaited him if only he could have put up with a feeling or two on your part.
Once you’re in the driver’s seat, drive him crazy.
You mention telling this guy to quit saying he’s not crazy about you because it is “super annoying.” You’ve taken a wrong turn down an unmaintained gravel road full of potholes. You haven’t even met him and you are already ragging on him about what he’s saying? For all you know, he’s just asking you the question playfully so he can gauge your feelings. Why slap him down so early on? There will be plenty of time for that later.
Instead of criticizing him, try this surefire way to make him lose his mind over you, or even fucking propose to you, sight unseen: Ask for his address, then send him a feather, panties and a pair of thigh-highs in the mail, along with the printouts of your steamy e-mail conversations about these items. Fold the printouts in thirds, letter-style, and seal them with a big lipsticky kiss. If that package doesn’t make him want to give you his package, nothing will. I’m telling you, he’s either gay or he’s inexplicably taken a vow of celibacy.
Now, get out there and start his ignition,
Zoie
Wow. In reading through this, I feel like I managed to dole out some good advice along with the bad. I just hope when Jo finally meets her man, he doesn’t end up being a panty waste like Kevin Federline, or worse, Cowboy.
If you are currently experiencing a dating or sex problem, and you don’t want bad advice from Zoie, e-mail her at info@girlspoke.com. If you are unlucky, she may just give you some advice you haven’t asked for that could make your problem even worse.
Last 5 posts by Zoie
- C'mon, You Know You Want To - February 16th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie: Breaking All the Rules - February 2nd, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Single Men, Seize the (Valentine’s) Day - January 19th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Help, My Fuck Buddy Is a Psycho Stalker - January 12th, 2006
- Do Your Panties Leave Him Panting? - January 10th, 2006
Z,
you know what Cowboy and Federline have in common? Hot Chicks. We both get laid. And we don’t got no time fo bitches like you. We both live in perfect worlds. Im way cooler than federline. I got mojo. im sassy and i aint a callgirl.
tata.
Yo, don’t step on my girl Zoie or she’ll break out the Spanking Machine 5000 on you.
This all sounds very good to me.
Spanking Machine 5000? When did they come out with a new model? Shit, and here I was with the SM 4500. I feel so behind the times.
Wonderful advice. However, you did fail to mention the ultimate desperation move. Get some of this guys friends numbers. Make sure to have sex with at least 3 of them twice. Make sure not to hold back and do your absolute best on these guys. You want to make a good name for yourself with these guys because it is going to get back to him eventually.
I mean even if this doesn’t work, which like I said, if you do a real number on these guys it will…you still managed to get laid quite a bit. It’s win/win situation.
I’m surprised you overlooked that one. In fact, is it not the girlspoke girls who collectively own the patent to advice I just gave? I might have to start paying you royalties when I use it.
Zoie-
All your advice may very well lead to getting Jo laid. But that’s about it. If he’s not into her, and she bends over like that for him, he’ll probably stick it in out of curiosity, but nothing more.
The curiosity fuck. Trademark that for me and Boyspoke, ladies, because that’s all she’ll get:
“hmm…i’m not into her, but she is wagging her pussy at me. I wonder. I should check it out just to make sure it’s a normal pussy. hmm. nice. it is a normal pussy. too bad I’m not into the girl attached to it. well, curiosity satisfied. now what’s more interesting?”
Mickey, glad someone is on the same page as I am. Here I was starting to question my morals and whether or not I am a good person. You just confirmed that, yes, I am indeed a normal person who occasionally will have sex with a girl just because of curiosity (and maybe again because I forgot what it was like the first time and I am once again curious) oh yeah and boredom.
I have been lied to because I have had countless people tell me that it is not nice to the other person. But fuck the other person…litteraly fuck them.
The boys’ comments remind me of an old saying my guy friends and I have:
If the foods not that good, don’t eat it.
Later amended to:
But perhaps when combined with another dish, it might be excellent.
My advice: Throw a threesome into the mix and he might come running.
Ooh, a threesome. Fun!
Pauly D, of course this all sounds very good to you. I get my best ideas from you, after all. Especially that time you mailed me your panties. That was so hot.
Not to burst you’re bubble or anything but I tried that “innocent-girl-gets-fucked-against-brick-wall-by-seedy-stranger scenario” with an ex girlfriend, maybe I should have let her know what I was up to and maybe I should have made sure she was my ex girlfriend, but to make a long story short I am now a registered sex offender in Maryland. Just be careful.
Oh and Cowboy, who am I kidding? I have a thing for spurs. C’mere, baby. Let me lick ’em.
Virgle - That’s quite alright I’m a registered sex offender in Ohio and Pennsylvania and an unregistered one in about 9 others. But after some practice and research I’ve found new and advanced ways to keep myself out of trouble: roofies…its what’s for dinner.
Z,
Anytime you want to get down and and lick my spurs all you gotta do is bend right over the side of that place “tie my horse”. Come equipped. Cuz I aint in the mood for playing.
BTW where’s your hot sexy photos. Send em now.
Whoa there, Cowboy, ease up. I’ll get to you. Right now I am over at yesterday’s Girlspoke Pillow Fight™ trying to lure Dre out of Meme’s bed. But I’ll get to you, don’t you worry. In the meantime, why don’t you saddle up. You got a long, bumpy ride ahead of ya.
Outlaw Cowboys always get ahead of themselves. It’s the only way we stay ahead of the Sheriffs. Z, I will go chase whoever that bastard is out of Meme’s bed no worries. Then we can all jump on my saddle horn and take a ride.
Yee-haw! You and your shitkickers really know how to kick some ass.
The best part about being Cowboy is getting up.
But can you stay up?
Let me tell you about staying up. Im up this late at night as it is Z. I can stay up for as long as you want. I just want to know if you can keep up?
Cowboy is built for long hours, long days, long everything, in fact you will probably O a few times before I even say Oh.
I’d turn Zoie’s claim around. She says “You can’t say if you’re crazy about /him/”, while I’ll say “You can say if you’re crazy about his /game/”
’cause what’s missing is the superficalties, the parts we train to game girls. It’s stuff I train guys in. Online, it’s easier to get to know the person underneath, as this is out of the way.
Of course, it’s possible to game online, too. In some ways its easier. Yet, it’s almost impossible to beat for being able to create really deep connections, too.
-Eek
Cowboys are like well oiled machines that can pump you up all day and all night long. How much juice could you reproduce to keep the machine efficient?
O, O, O, Cowboy — I fell asleep on you. I just couldn’t stay up. Now where’s the door? I gotta get out of here while you’re still sleeping. I don’t want any of that morning-after chitchat.
Eek! You threw me when you said “really deep connections.”
No Comment.
Oh, um, morning Cowboy.
/awkward silence
This is cool! Being a fly on the wall of the morning after bedroom…
Cowboy - You aren’t one of those Brokeback Mountain cowboys, are you? You know, the type who twirl their lassoo round their head in the opposite direction to all the other cowboys? A bum steer to them has a whole different meaning…
Yeah, uhm, morning Cowboy.
/real awkward silence
What the hell was I drinking (maybe smoking) last night?
yeah.. morning boyz… what was that chick doing here last night? She got really bored of watching and left at about 6:00AM
/incredibly akward silence.
Ryan, baby, there’s no maybe about it. You were smoking last night.
Jake now that you mention it…I knew we were doing something wrong. Sorry guys I know I told you I knew how to do a gangbang and I feel as if I have let you guys down. But for future reference we were supposed to put the camera on the tripod and bang the chick…not the other way around.
Cowboy, Jake once again I apologize for misleading you. Boy is my face red not to mention my ass cheeks.
sorry! I’m a spanker!!
I’m available later, boys, if you want to try again. Practice makes perfect.
z,
you were great last night and all but im in a commited relationship with my right hand.