Stamped: January 9th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

With the end of the holidays and all this New Year, New Me! bullshit, I was a bit worried I was going to get all soft on my readers, my fans, my stalkers–you. I was straight-up worried, kids; and Jenna never worries. There was a moment when I was teetering dangerously on the edge. It was a dark, dark place, full of dancing lollipops and unicorns, and I'm just super-fucking-thrilled that I managed to make it through. Rest assured that this year will not bring you, or myself, any self-revelations or the nauseating I'm gonna be a better person! soliloquies that invariably accompany such moments. So, with celebration, I bring you this week's horospoke™, badass as ever. Jenna remains true to your well-being by providing the very best tough love that the entire Al Gore Internet has to offer. And don't ever forget it, bitches.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You had a great run these past few weeks, and everyone's real, real happy about your wonderful fucking life. While the rest of us are suicidal over our credit card statements and imminent tax payments, you manage to keep that suave smile and perfect demeanor running strong. Quite frankly, it's been nice to see a strong sailor amid the tempest, but you're about to crack just like the rest of us. The kicker is that you're going to be crying like a little bitch if you don't prepare yourself for this rogue wave. Despite popular belief, you are human just like the rest of us–your pee stinks when you eat asparagus and you probably look a little funny when you run. This week, be ready to deal with that or we'll all be ready to point, laugh, and spread the hate.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
My Taurus, baby. This week, you're especially feeling the strain of the holiday slump as it merges with some upcoming stressors. Since you're more prepared to deal with these cyclical kicks to the groin, you're already somewhat on top of the issue. Just remember that you tend to lose sight of your friends in the process. Either start asking for some help or deal with your problems without turning into a massive dick. Or, speaking of dick, just have lots of sex this week; the relief will keep you more level than you're prone to getting during these stressful times.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Ok, twins. This week you have two major things to address. First, think about the major players that are currently in your game. Have you been neglecting? Taking advantage? Pissing off? It's likely that this is glaringly obvious to everyone but yourself, so try to work on at least one relationship this week even if it seems like you're reaching for straws. Secondly, a little crowd-control is in order; let's ball up and kick those skeevy, leechy friends to the curb. You're much cooler than you're giving yourself credit for and keeping these life-suckers around is bringing you down faster than a $5 hooker.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Cancer, you are the one sign that I will give this advice to: you need to figure your shit out (or, for you cheese puffs out there, soul search). You've been maintaining the status quo for entirely too long here, and I'm getting really sick of watching you waste your fucking life. And, no, I'm not being dramatic. Jenna does not get dramatic, like, ever; she gets motivated. So, here's how I'm gonna motivate your lazy, apathetic ass. If you don't get in gear career-wise and confront your romantic issues, you are going to die a lonely, sad excuse for a human being–and probably in a socially embarrassing or awkward situation.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You're another one, Leo. This week should be tumultuous if it's going to bring you any sense of accomplishment and progress. There are two ways you can make shit happen: sit down and talk about your issues, or make a fucking decision and run with it, never to look back without turning into the lump of salt that you are. Can you guess which option I'll suggest? That's right, sweetcheeks. We're going with door #2 or bust. Remove yourself form the situation, enumerate the ways in which you are getting fucked, and then present this list to the punkass accompanied with a kick in the face. Just stretch out a bit first, and have your exit route planned out.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You've made some really solid moves over the past few weeks, and I commend you for that, my Virgos. My only concern is that you're going to get all sappy and backpeddle a bit. Good thing I'm here to remind you that you are only as good as your resolve. When someone comes to you all blubbery or full of complaints, remember that you are one badass motherfucker and you deserve to steer your own fucking life! Prepare yourself for this moment by watching the nightly news and some old, violent films. Maybe even demand that your friends and co-workers address you with increased volume. What are you saying, you little bitch? I can't fucking hear you! If you're gonna fucking open your mouth, you better be talking so I can hear you, shithead.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
I'm not getting a strong reading for you people this week, and this can only mean one thing: you're fucking boring. Your life is not only boring the fuck out of everyone you talk to (including that sorry excuse for a pet you keep), but it's also (admit it!) putting you to sleep. Reversing this trend is going to take something extreme, so make sure you have all your legal paperwork in order before continuing. All set? Ok, good. This week, you should either buy a handgun and learn how to use it (just try to tell me that the firing range isn't hot, I dare you) or go to Vegas and marry a dolphin.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You are doing pretty well, aren't you, my Scorpio? I'm happy for you, really. In fact, I'd give you a hug and a lick of my lollipop if I were into that kind of thing. But I hate hugs. And buy your own fucking candy, you cheap bastard. But, back to the issue. This week, you need to use this surge in your emotional state. If you go about your typical routine without any kind of desire for bettering yourself, you are going to be sorry. I'm seeing a spiral into depression next month, and it's going to leave you feeling fucked if you don't work on something now. You're feeling confident. Get yourself out there and make it happen, twinkletoes.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
It's lovely that you're feeling all cheery and happy this week, my friend, but you should think twice before you boast that perma-grin. Your optimism is warranted, slightly, but it's also a bit much, a bit over-the-top. I'm thinking all this is centered around something that transpired at work, which makes this all the more dangerous, my dear. You should use this week to practice the art of being happy without turning into a gigantic pile of repulsive, mushy cheer. Keep a level head about your goals, and use your optimism to keep them within reach. This way, you can be as productive as possible without alerting the higher-ups that you're abusing your medication (again).

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You are soo stressed, aren't you?! Sorry, I'm not laughing. No, I'm not! That guy behind you just tripped and it was funny. I swear. So yeah, your stress. You've always been the fiscally responsible one of the group, but this week, you're wound so fucking tight that a group of your acquaintances have started a pool predicting when you'll have your tantrum. The popular day seems to be Wednesday, so try to keep your cool. But don't tell them I told you. In fact, if you could pretend to blow your lid on Friday, I'll split the winnings with you 30-70. Get back to me on that one, chief.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week, Aquarius, I'm going to urge you to act upon one of those pipe-dreams you always seem to be coming up with. You are working on a side project that has some potential to be launched into success, but you're holding back. Of course, we've all conditioned you to hold back because you're normally stoned or buzzed on somethingorother, and, typically, your plans don't make sense. But this time, I really think you have something. Just make sure you saddle up with a partner on this one; I still don't trust you not to fuck this up on your own, compadre.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Awww, I can tell you're tired, Pisces. The emotional exhaustion that I'm feeling from you is enough to make me want to cry. Well, not really, but I feel for you. You've got stamina like, um, something with lots of stamina, so remember that you've made lots of emotional progress recently. But to prevent any burnouts, try to vocalize your predisposition to suicide or narcolepsy if confronted with another hefty issue. This week, take it easy. Jenna's orders. This does not mean, however, that you should pig out. You've already gained like 10 pounds in two months, fatty.

Was that mean enough? Badass? Serious, guys…you really need to tell me if I'm slipping. (Of course, any and all criticism will receive my automated reply: Fuck you!) Have a great week!

Love to Hate Always,
Jenna

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007