Zoie Do Your Panties Leave Him Panting?
Stamped: January 10th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: underwear.
Since a few of you seem fixated on my panties and their whereabouts, let’s put them on the table, so to speak.
OK, that’s better. I needed a little breathing room.
After a recent unsolicited bad-advice column, a reader had an interesting comment:
Panties, panties, panties — Who cares? Their beauty lies when taken off…
I have to disagree and take this opportunity to give our female readers a little advice regarding underwear. (And this isn’t my usual bad advice. I am finally doling out something you can use.) I’ll start with four words:
They matter. People care.
Sure, they are best when they’re off. But if, in the midst of your next romp, someone pulls up your skirt or unzips your pants to find a pair of gargantuan underwear under there, chances are you’ll soon find yourself alone, having gotten no farther than second base.
If you want to land a man, a woman — or both for that matter — you can’t run around in gigantic white-cotton granny panties. (Trust me on this one. A while back, Meme confessed she was a recent convert to granny panties, and when’s the last time she got laid? OK, you can quit counting the years on your fingers. We’ll be here all day.) Let me just tell you, it was before the supersized underpants entered the picture.
I don’t care if comfortable underwear is more comfortable. I don’t want to hear any of your other excuses, either. So what if they are easier to care for, are made from natural fabric, sit so low on your legs there’s no way they could ever ride up into your crack, and swaddle your ass like a big comfy adult diaper.
None of that matters. If you are looking to get laid, maybe even have a relationship with someone, your choice of underwear is critical to accomplishing your mission.
And you have to be prepared at all times. You never know when or where you will have your next sexual encounter. It could be at the back of the health-food store, in the produce section, after eyeing a hottie squeezing the melons with his beautiful set of hands. After noting that he’s not wearing a wedding ring, you may be inclined to redirect those hands so he can try out your melons. It could happen at the gas station, when the attendant eyes you, comes over to help you pump gas, placing his strong, grimy hands on the nozzle. On the spur of the moment, you reach down and help him with his nozzle. And what about that flight you have booked? What if a drop-dead gorgeous man walks down the aisle past you? As he glides by the row you are sitting in, he gives you a little nod that says, Care to join me in the restroom? As you rise to follow him, you suspect the two of you won’t be resting anytime soon.
Will you be prepared for any of these scenarios? Not without the right underwear. To help you get decked out in the most sexy, seductive panties possible, I’ll share a few pointers with you about what to look for.
1. Must floss your ass, or at least frame this asset as well as possible. There’s a ratio that must be met to achieve ass-coverage perfection. At least half of each cheek must hang out of the panty. More ass cheek can hang out, but any less and you’re looking at a rapidly diminishing degree of hotness. The bottom line: Sexy girls show a little badonkadonk.
You want them to look something like this:
Not like this:
(What is up with that ruffled trim? I bet you couldn’t wear those under jeans.)
2. Must hit below the naval. The farther below it, the better. Here’s a clue: If you can pull them up to your boobs, you’ve got too much fabric down there. Same holds true if, while wearing them, you can store your keys, cell phone, wallet, lip balm, some change and an emergency change of panties inside them. Still don’t get my drift? OK, if you can go to the zoo, track down a baby elephant in the Africa Exhibit, and find that your panties actually fit the baby elephant, YOUR PANTIES ARE TOO FUCKING BIG FOR YOU.
Maybe a little flesh some examples will drive my point home. Like this:
Not like this:
3. Must remain in contact with body at all points and in all positions. You should not look like you are wearing a garbage bag, but rather a pretty piece of material that’s been shrink-wrapped to your body. To help you remember this rule, repeat three times after me: Loose women, good. Loose panties, bad.
Cue the visuals. Like this:
Not like this:
(Note: Even hot girls don’t look good dressed in garbage bags and Grandma’s window treatments.)
4. Having established that form-fitting is great, please be aware that panties should follow your curves, not dig into your flesh, creating or accentuating fat rolls. This is difficult to accomplish, kind of like walking a tightrope: Tight is good. But too tight is a scary sight.
Too-tight panties will make you look heavier than you are, can cause chafing, can result in the dreaded mule knuckle, or worse. They are not hot, and if you are wearing them, you should be arrested by the panty police. If you have ever busted a seam in your underwear, it’s a sign you are a too-tight panty culprit. Trust me, I’ve done it. And I’ve learned my lesson.
Now, another excuse to show a hot ass visual. Like this:
Not like this:
5. My last tip is simple: If you can’t find a sexy pair of panties that fits you like a glove — and that you’d be proud to be seen in on chance sexual encounters — don’t get your knickers in a bunch. You can always go without until the right ones come along. Panties are kinda like men in that respect, right?
Last 5 posts by Zoie
- C'mon, You Know You Want To - February 16th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie: Breaking All the Rules - February 2nd, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Single Men, Seize the (Valentine’s) Day - January 19th, 2006
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— 15 February 2008 @ 11:28 am
Comments
The first pair was hot, the panties AND the but cheeks.
From a male point of view I have to say that underwear is almost a must, chafing causes erection and even if that is a good thing people tend get offended when that happens especially on the subway.
I guess that everyone isn’t as open minded as you. Sad.
Panties are over rated. No panties are under rated. Z, Where are the pics of your panties off the table???
C, you’ve seen ‘em around my ankles.
now, are you trying to tell me that my ass doesn’t look good in my GS panties?
M, Asses always look better with the panties off.
Z, I know. And that was a good night. Are you coming over tonight?
Three words: bubblegum dental floss.
“The bottom line: Sexy girls show a little badonkadonk.”
Hear, hear!
As a man who believes that panties are at their sexiest when they are balled up on the bedroom floor, I’ll tell you they still need to look good for a little while before being discarded.
Thanks, Z. This one needs to go straight into the Favorite Posts block in the right column.
Um, um, no, Meme. You look fanfuckingtastic in those panties. (You’re the one on the left in that linked photo, right?)
Cowboy, I plan on coming tonight, but I don’t know about coming over.
Ryan, three words: Ain’t nothin’ wrong with sportin’ a thong. Oh shit, that was seven words.
Perhaps because I’m an aged old fart, I don’t see the butt-floss/super-tight low riders as a requirement. Hell, if you are going for that than wear something like this. Frankly, I’ve been quite turned on by a woman in grannies at times. And they are just as fun to take off.
fuck you to z.
those red ones with the ruffle! i have those! my boyfriend bought them for me, they make him go wild. panties are definately sexy.
Two words: black lace.
Oh, yeah - I’m all over the panty thing. The world would be a sorry place without panties.
The panty is the ideal frame, the perfect package for the wondrous things it only just manages to cover.
The panty ups the ante - suggesting, hinting, revealing just so much, inciting a deep longing to slip inside, to see just a little more, to pry the fabric aside or pull it down and gain admittance to the temple… but first to gaze in awe and imagine the treasures therein.
And then there’s the whole soaked-panty thing, and where would we be without that?
Er, where’s my left sock?
C, is that an offer or a threat?
Smoove D, two words: yum yum.
its an offer
I’ll have to see how it stacks up against my other offers tonight. Unless of course you’d be into trying the group thing again. Where’s Ryan?
Dude I think he’s at Lexie’s. Im all into the whole group thing as long as I get to keep my chaps on.
Sure. Can I leave my panties on?
However you want it Z. We can even do it with costumes on. The other night I dressed up like a gorilla. I also have a chicken suit. Do you like boys in suits?
I refuse to be fucked by poultry. And the gorilla suit, I dunno. I read somewhere that a lot of hair around the dick makes it look smaller. You don’t want to shortchange Little Cowboy, do you?
What about a Brad Pitt suit? You got one of those? Hell, I’d even take an Angelina Jolie suit. Go pick one of those up. Hurry, now, before I change my mind.
Damn all they had left at the costume store was a W mask. But I’m on my way over. Be there in five.
I’m waiting with bated breath.
Ahhhhhh. Thanks Z. See you another time.
Sorry about last night you guys…I was on my way out then I got a flat tire. Then some girl stopped to see if I needed a ride…anyhow as I was riding her riding with her riding her, I almost felt bad. I mean, to miss out on our weekly get together, that’s kind of low.
Hope you had fun though regardless.
I can’t believe you took my sexy garter pic off my flickr and used it here!
I’m going without, but I really liked your tips. I’ll keep them in mind if I decide to wear panties sometime…Thanks so much for the lesson!
Ceri’s got my vote. Wait, we’re not voting? Whatever, she still wins.
Melina, my bad. Spank me. (But not too hard.)
Ceri, glad to be of assistance.
oh my god