Zoie (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Help, My Fuck Buddy Is a Psycho Stalker
Stamped: January 12th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: unsolicited advice.
girlspoke’s unsolicited bad-advice columnist
Over the weekend, Ryan Latham reached out to me with a desperate cry for help with a fuck-buddy situation. It was a shrill cry, kind of womany, to tell you the truth. (Ryan, what have I told you about your voice? More Denzel Washington, less David Spade.)
Anyway, here’s what Ryan had to say:
Zoie as great as I am with bad advice myself, could I get some help on your next installment of Not that you asked Zoie … Here’s a little information on the situation. She’s a stalker and I’m avoiding her but I still reply to her text messages just so that my tires don’t end up getting slashed or a brick doesn’t fly through my windshield. Text messages in question:
Her - Im gonna say this thanks 4 makin me feel like i was just a fuck buddy
Me - Sorry…you’ve just frightened me into thinking you want a whole lot more right now than I want.
Her - Actually i just miss the convos and hangin out i thought we were friends and I dont have the time 4 a bf and i realized all the physical stuff with u was a bonus and i liked just goin out hangin and ill admit i miss your penis haha
These are actually word-for-word. And Zoie dear, you know that I give excellent advice as well but I admit when I am out of my league. And I think you are the only one capable of giving me remarkably bad advice.
I could hear in Ryan’s voice how much he needed me. My first inclination when I sense someone needs something from me is to run away. I’d much rather stick my nose in other people’s business when they haven’t asked for my help. But Ryan is a loyal reader, and I know he won’t stop whining at me until I give him some really bad advice about this problem. Plus, this chick does sound like she’s trippin’, wanting to spend time with Ryan, and even talk with him. I am sure he could file a restraining order on those grounds alone, but instead he’s turned to me. So, here you go, dude.
First, figure out what you want. Are you milking this woman for more fucking? Or do you just want to be rid of her? These are the hard questions you have to ask yourself. Let’s analyze your options more closely.
How badly do you need to fuck something other than your hand or Dirty Diana, your inflatable love partner? Really badly, you say? OK, then do you have any other prospects (besides the orgies Cowboy and I invite you to on occasion)? From the look on your face, I can tell you have no prospects. I think you’ve answered your first question: Looks like you’ve got no choice but to turn this fuck-buddy-turned-psycho-stalker situation around so it works in your favor. Your objective is to get in and out — and in and out, and in and out — without any of the dreaded “convos” and “hangin.”
Second, assess what you have to work with here. She says she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend. This may sound like a good thing, but don’t go falling for that shit. That bitch is just trying to lure you in. She also says she misses your penis. Now, I buy that. Her hormones got to talking at the end of that last text message. Women go around all the time needing dick and not talking about it. By the time we verbally express this need, you know we are extremely hot and bothered. Use her overwhelming sexual yearnings to your advantage.
Third, take my advice. Given your need for a fuck buddy, your lack of prospects and the fact that she is wet-lipped for your unit, I say take a two-pronged approach: 1. Put your best asset front and center: an irresistible piece of equipment that you operate like an expert. 2. Adopt a new personality around her: that of a doofus. This means being an underwhelming conversationalist and making a spectacle of yourself when the two of you hang out.
That’s right, be brilliant in the bedroom (or wherever you fuck her), but be dull, vapid, inarticulate, even insulting — when you talk to her. Make it so she doesn’t want to talk to you at all. And when you hang out, be equally inept. At bars, dance poorly. This includes snapping and extensive involvement of the elbows. In restaurants, mispronounce the names of dishes you order. During movies, break out in loud, snorting laughter during scenes she doesn’t find funny, like when a woman is left standing at the alter. Oh, and reserve your hot voice for foreplay and sex. Use the high-pitched, whiny one the rest of the time.
Soon, she’ll be too embarrassed to be seen with you. Poof, there goes your hanging out issue. And she’ll be bored stiff by your lame attempts at conversation. But at the same time, she’ll have an undeniable burning in her loins for you (and not one that is caused by an STD). If you train her right, she’ll be calling you for booty every night. Sure, she’ll have to let you in through the back door because she doesn’t want anyone seeing an ass-hat like you coming and going. And if her friends ever catch the two of you in public together, she’ll pass you off as her poor, retarded half-brother who requires her assistance. But the secrecy and humiliation don’t matter because you’ll be getting exactly what you want: pussy on tap. Without expectations or consequences.
In a matter of weeks, you’ll have her wrapped around your cock all the time. You’ll be prying her off you. It may get so bad that you’ll eventually find yourself wanting to do something else with her for a change. Like, I dunno, talking or just hanging out.
If you are currently experiencing a dating or sex problem, and you don’t want bad advice from Zoie, don’t e-mail her at info@girlspoke.com. If you are unlucky, she may just give you some advice you haven’t asked for that could make your problem even worse.
Last 5 posts by Zoie
- C'mon, You Know You Want To - February 16th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie: Breaking All the Rules - February 2nd, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Single Men, Seize the (Valentine’s) Day - January 19th, 2006
- Do Your Panties Leave Him Panting? - January 10th, 2006
- (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: How to Drive a Man Crazy - January 5th, 2006
Thanks, Zoie. Don’t worry, I didn’t fall for the “I don’t have time for a boyfriend” crap. If that were true why the hell would she have time to blow up my phone like a damn telethon was going on in my pocket? I may just be another guy, but I’m not that dense.
Sound advice all around. I think maybe you should have said that I need to take her out to a restaurant and talk to people I don’t know while my mouth is full of food. In addition to that, intentionally getting something stuck in my teeth and continue to talk to strangers. Perhaps even ask the people around me, “are you going to finish that?” Whilst evident that they have just begun there meal.
However, one of those suggestions has already been tried (not on purpose, I’m just a lush) so I know for a fact that making a spectacle out of myself (Really you say, Ryan would do that? He just seems so quiet and well mannered.) did not work.
Anyhow the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. I need some work to do before I can achieve the final step which is killing no longer having a problem. Thanks once again. And sorry you had to see this Lexie, you’re just a little more clingy than plastic wrap.
Pure evil genius, Zoie. Pure. Evil. Genius.
You frighten me, really.
z,
about those orgies im already UP for another one. whatcha doing tonight?
I concur.
I could be persuaded, boys. Let’s just make sure the focus is on me this time. I don’t like being ignored when I’m naked. Or even when I’m not naked, for that matter.
Oh and alizinha, what are you up to tonight?
Yeah, Alizinha…what are you up for to for tonight?
This works out perfectly because I just got a package in the mail today from the Lube of the Month Club. What perfect timing!
Calling some one a “stalker” on a site where she publishes has got to be about the most lame ass thing I’ve seen. Even if true, it is completely with out class.
Bad move, all around.
hahahahhahahahahaha.
fuck, Ryan - i’ve been texting you all this time? i meant to be texting Bryan…
yeah, that’s it. Bryan.
[looks around, uncomfortably]
i feel so left out here. can i stalk someone?
YQuiet - It is true that Lexie is a stalker, but when in my first comment that was called a joke. She truly was not the stalker who was being referred to in this particular post. I would now like to take a moment to apologize for the actions and words of my first comment:
I’m sorry to have cluttered such a serious toned, well mannered and wholesome publication with what is known as joke. I know we’re all professional business men and women here and bringing the concept of humor into the place of employment was unacceptable. I have failed to keep this place as serious and mundane as it should be and for that I know I should be fired.
Henceforth from this moment on it is nothing but PBS, Snackwells and Tea for me. I would once again like to apologize for the uncalled for joke. Zoie, Alizinha, Cowboy…we still on for tonight?
Not being able to see the context Ryan, I interpreted things wrongly. My bad. I am overly sensitive as I have friend dealing with a stalker at the moment, one she has to take a little more seriously than in your situation. Still, I probably should have guessed.
Your targeted prose was effective and dryly humorous.
Meme - Hopefully once I take Zoie’s advice I’ll have an opening. I just can’t manage having to stalkers at the same time, not in my hectic schedule of…oh shut up…I do stuff. I changed a light bulb yesterday.
YQuiet - If at anytime you questioning the seriousness of what I am saying learn to assume I am not being serious whatsoever. Except for that. And I have done some low shit but even I wouldn’t call a girl a stalker on a blog she writes for. Damn…I’m getting soft in my old age.
Meme, I loved being stalked. I always need attention.
“This includes snapping and extensive involvement of the elbows.”
Elaine! Elaine! Elaine!
:-D
Meme, I think you’ve done plenty of stalking already. I already agreed to give you my first born, but can’t you just leave me and the rest of my family ALONE!
Ryan, you’ll have an opening, all right.
Paul, I am tickled you got the reference.
/snap
Mickey, I think I already have your firstborn and it’s not called stalking, it’s called asking for child support…you fucking deadbeat.
Mickey - that shit is just wrong. I pay child support on every single kid I have that I know about. Except the ones that were conceived under the control of a mind altering substance (be it alcohol or whatnot), because hey, that wasn’t my fault. So just send a bill to Coors Brewing Company Golden, Colorado. They can take care of there own mistakes.
Oh, Ryan. About that. I have something to tell you. Remember last week? Well, I think I might be …
… whew. Just a false alarm.
Come on Zoie you didn’t even do a good job at faking it. I know all about pregnancy tests. Your going to sit here and tell me you posted a comment went to the bathroom, waited and clinched your teeth, let out a sigh of relief and came back and posted another comment within a minute?
For shame. You didn’t even take the damn test and chances are you have slept with someone else since then, lord knows I have (hi Meme, Lexie..err…Cowboy [I was drunk and he’s pretty damn it]). You’re just trying to get me to think the bastard is mine, tell me the results of the test were inaccurate and mooch off me until you find someone else who has more to mooch off of.
Trust me hun, I play that game myself so you can’t fool me. Why else would a 21-year-old male hold himself to a 27-year-old minimum?
Ryan, you are smarter than I thought. I could argue that the clock is just messed up. Or that I got my period the moment after I posted the first comment. Or …
… whatever. Just forgive me, babe.
(Oh, I forgot: Girls can’t get pregnant if they don’t have an orgasm. So we’re safe.)
Zoie once again, another detectable lie since I remember that night perfectly:
It’s true that you don’t have to have an orgasm to come, but when your toes curl up to the point where you hear them crack in 3 different places and your body turns to a coffin…I think you might have just had an orgasm.
But you are partially right…you can’t get pregnant if I didn’t come.
By the way, when did the famous Paul Watson start commenting on this site?
Ryan, ooooh. Is that what that was? I thought I was just having an allergic reaction to you.
I had a stalker once that used to call me and masterbate and say lewd things. That’s enough to turn any girl off. He should just do that. After 6 months of 4 am weekly phone calls, I changed my number.
Betty, what’s your new number? I wanna start calling you again. (That wasn’t a man’s voice, btw. It was me using my low, tranny voice.)
That situation is so Vanilla Sky…