Let The Festivities Begin
Stamped: January 18th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dates of yore, dating hijinks.
Now that we are out of the clear of the holidays, it's open dating season here at the West Coast Girlspoke–I can't speak for the East Coast contingency, and to be honest, they're always a little behind the times–but over here, well, we have been busy. Remember that short story by Junot Diaz, "How to Date a Brown Girl, Black Girl, White Girl or Halfie?" No? Okay, maybe we aren't the most literary of crowds. But the good news is that you don't have to read it because here is my rendition. So without further adieu, I bring to you How to Date a Californian, a Limey and a Nigerian. Let me also preface this also by saying, '06 is the year I say yes. To dates, to jobs, to sketchy pyramid schemes. And if I am not saying yes, than I will be saying something along the lines of well, why the hell not?
The Boy from Cali
Did any of you see that movie Shopgirl? Remember the Jason Schwartzman character before he read all the self-help books on how to treat the ladies? Yeah, keep that in mind. In order to have the date with the boy from Cali one must pick him up. One must also buy his ticket to the movies. One must buy him pizza and beer after the movies and then drive him back home at the end of the night. Let me guess what you are thinking, um, maybe, what the fuck are you thinking, woman! Well, a coupla things you should know about the boy from Cali. He's a starving artist. Yeah, more starving than me. So it kinda makes me a patron. Plus, he's good in the sack. I've know him for a long time and so it's all okay, I know what to expect (and mostly what not to). And, uh, did I mention he's good in the sack?
The Limey
The Limey I have gone out with once. We went and saw art. It was one of those safe, first dates, the kind with a clear beginning and end where we both drive separately. I'd say for first dates, this one went off without a hitch. We discovered we had a lot to talk about when faced with modern 2oth and 21st century art. We were equally equipped in the joke department. He was all gentleman-ly, paying and opening doors, but not every single time, and not when it would have been awkward for him to do so. Then there was all kinds of goofy awkwardness at the end of the date where I had to use all my super powers not to lean in and kiss him (which is something I almost always end up doing at the end of a hitchless first date). The most curious thing is, The Limey asked me out again…but not until feb 23rd. So I guess he likes me in that kind of I'd-like-to-go-out-with-her-in-about -a-month-and-a-half way. Well, gee, I can't freakin wait!
The Nigerian
The Nigerian is a long story. The Nigerian cleans houses. The Nigerian used to clean my house. (editor's note: Casey had a home office and for that reason she thought she ought to have the house cleaned somewhat regularly, you know, for the client's sake.) The Nigerian would come about once a month, I never quite knew when. And sometimes I wouldn't see him for months. He never raised his prices and he never actually cleaned very well. At some point I began to suspect I was one of very few clients. But what I loved most about The Nigerian was that all this never stopped him from asking me out. And for inexplicable (to me) reasons, it was always to play tennis. The other thing to love about The Nigerian is that he is quite good looking. I mean he is actually crazy beautiful. Well, recently I had to tell The Nigerian that I was moving away and that I wouldn't need his services any more. We agreed he would come over one last time, drop off the key, settle the score. Of course, he asks me out. Tells me all about his failed marriage, his lonely nights, how a woman like me needs a man like him, and, don't I want kids? I escape but not without agreeing to a date on Tuesday morning, because really why the hell not?
So there you have it. And there it has me.
Sigh.
So many men, so little time.
Last 5 posts by Casey
- Sugar - February 23rd, 2007
- Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long time to make it short. - February 7th, 2007
- A debate yet to be debated - June 30th, 2006
- Procrastination Wednesday - April 26th, 2006
- There's No Place Like Home - March 22nd, 2006
Ok…I usually say that the Dating Season doesn’t start until after VDay - and The Limey knows it:
“The Limey asked me out again…but not until feb 23rd. So I guess he likes me in that kind of I’d-like-to-go-out-with-her-in-about -a-month-and-a-half way. Well, gee, I can’t freakin wait!”
Ahh… no - I think you forgot something… Valentine’s day. He’s one smart cookie. LOL. He’s waiting until Valentine’s day has clearly passed until he goes out with you… therefore he doesn’t have to buy the presents or go on an overly romantic date with someone he’s getting to know.
It totally sucks dating anyone new in Jan.
- lol
The Mad dater,
“Because there’s a Bastard in all of us”
Love the Junot story–remember it well, actually.
The Nigerian sounds like fun.
TMD,
Yes, I completely overlooked that one! Ha! The advice is appreciated. I am very inexperienced when it comes to Limeys.
And yes, I forgot to mention the West Coast girlspoke no longer supports VDay.
Did the Nigerian also ask you to help him retrieve millions of dollars from a bank account that can only be accessed by an American willing to invest a few thousand dollars for bribes and such?
If so, this is the one thing you should say no to this year.
As a Limey who dated a Californian girl, may I wholeheartedly wish my countryman the best of Britsh luck.
I hope he maintains a stiff ‘upper lip’ and treats you like he would his Sopwith Camel - i.e. gets inside you five times a day and take you to heaven and back - as long as he’s back in time for tea and medals.
If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Let me give you some advice about the Nigerian male. Nigerians are
Extremely intelligent
Natural born business men
Family oriented
Have great bodies (except for the chicken legs)
Tend to be alcoholics
Are hung like Tommy Lee
And they are capable of having sex 3 times a day (than 45 minutes up till two hours).
It should be worth mentioning I am Nigerian. Find out were he was born because the really cool ones are from Lagos or Calabar like me. Come to think of it my mom did say she had a son before me she had to give up and we heard he’s cleaning houses on the west coast. Hmmmmm
I went out with a Nigerian once. He had an average dick and half an arse. I really should’ve had him done for breaching the Trade Descriptions Act.
I’ve always found Germen men to be great dates. They are intelligent, well-spoken, semi-chivalrous (sp?) and blessed with a large “physique”. They like to spend money and do things right. And then, of course, they go away. The perfect date! Try it! You’ll like it!
Ah yes. Those hulking German men! (Note the very short shorts to accomodate the odd thigh-slapping ritual.)
thank you all for yor suggestions.
and I note no one is pulling for the guy from Cali.
anyone to start a pool? I will report back