Stamped: January 19th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: unsolicited advice.

girlspoke’s unsolicited bad-advice columnist

I’ve been scouring the blogosphere, as usual, looking for someone who needs my bad advice. Many of you are already chattering about Valentine’s Day, going on an on about what kinds of sweet and sexy things you and your honey have planned.

But what about those of you who aren’t seeing anyone? Are you simply planning on curling up in the fetal position with your fingers in your ears repeating La La La La La until Cupid has shot all his arrows, every last candy heart has been exchanged and eaten, and you’ve ridden out yet another loveless holiday? Or is this the year you are going to do something about being alone?

I’ve given my share of advice to women in the last few weeks. So this week, I’ll focus my attention on our lonely male readers who hope cupid will intervene and help them hook up this Valentine’s Day. Here are some tips just for you, buddies.

1
Score your next hottie in the dressing room as she tries on lingerie. Women will be out in droves during the coming weeks looking for the most-seductive lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom. Sure they are buying that lingerie to share with the men in their lives, but why should that stop you? You can win the hearts of these women in just a few easy steps.

Pick a local department store, then hang out in the lingerie section and pretend to be an employee. Help female shoppers make their selections. Follow them into the dressing room. Offer to measure them for their perfect bra size. Maybe even peek in the dressing room while they are changing, just to make sure they are doing OK. This strategy is guaranteed to turn heads and get you the attention you so crave from the ladies. At the very least, you’ll cop a feel or see a little T&A. But if you’re lucky, cupid will reward you bigtime for your extreme measures: Your attentiveness coupled with your ability to hook and unhook a bra will make these scantily clad women want to leave their men pronto and act out their V-Day fantasies with you.

Required Items: fake nametag, ugly department store employee attire (think brown polyester-blend pants), measuring tape, working knowledge of bra sizing and fit, ability to run fast in case store manager catches onto your game.

2
Give her your sweet stuff, and she’ll return the favor. Candy is always big on Valentine’s Day. Why don’t you buy a heart-shaped box of chocolates and hang out somewhere in public where lots of hot women spend their time? Like, I don’t know, maybe a college campus. Wait until you see an attractive co-ed, then open up the box and offer her a piece of chocolate. Ask something like, Would you like a piece of candy, pretty lady? or, even better, How about a little piece of my heart? Women can’t resist chocolate, even when it’s offered up by creepy strangers, and they certainly won’t be able to refuse your cute pick-up lines.

I suggest you wear a trench coat when you do this. It’ll add an air of mystery about who you are underneath. And show up in a beat-up van with tinted windows. As you hand them their piece of candy, make sure you tell each woman there’s more where that came from — and it’s all inside the van. Before the day is over, you are bound to have the ladies licking your chocolate-covered fingers and climbing into the back of your vehicle to see what’s under that sexy cloak of yours.

Required Items: chocolate candy in heart-shaped box (be ready to use box as face shield in case someone maces you or as groin shield in case someone knees you in balls), trench coat, cheesy pick-up lines, beat-up van, escape route in case someone calls cops on you.

3
Show her your redeeming qualities. You know those coupon books for lovers that bookstores stock this time of year — each coupon has a dirty sex act on it, you give the book to your partner, and your partner can cash in the coupons at any time? Buy one of those books and write your phone number on every coupon. Walk
around handing the coupons out to sexy women you see on the street. Hell, you can start passing them out in the bookstore if you like, right after you buy the book. (Give one to the cashier while you’re at it.) Let the women know all they have to do to receive the sex act described on the coupon is give you a call. You can even throw in that super-cool “Call Me” hand gesture. You know the one. I bet you use it all the time. Before you know it, your phone will be ringing off the hook. Oh, the beauty of this approach is you can even leave the coupons lying around in public places if you want. (The only problem with doing so is you won’t be able to control who picks them up and gives you a call, so things could get ugly.)

Required Items: sexy coupon book, cash to buy sexy coupon book, ability to withstand any slapping you may receive (but don’t let a little slapping deter you), working phone line, ability to do everything outlined in coupon book (we don’t want any false advertising, guys).

Even if this bad advice doesn’t get you laid, at least you’ll know you gave it your best shot. Before you know it, it will be February 15, and the entire not-so-sexy-and-not-so-romantic mess will be behind you, at least until next year.*

Now, get out there and grab Cupid by the balls,
Zoie

*That is, unless you’ve managed to create a criminal record for yourself in the process of carrying out the advice I’ve given you. While we’re on the topic, girlspoke and I are not responsible for any negative consequences — physical, legal or otherwise — that might result from actually talking this bad advice.

If you are currently experiencing a dating or sex problem, and you don’t want bad advice from Zoie, e-mail her at info@girlspoke.com. If you are unlucky, she may just give you some advice you haven’t asked for that could make your problem even worse.

Last 5 posts by Zoie

• C'mon, You Know You Want To - February 16th, 2006
• (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie: Breaking All the Rules - February 2nd, 2006
• (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: Help, My Fuck Buddy Is a Psycho Stalker - January 12th, 2006
• Do Your Panties Leave Him Panting? - January 10th, 2006
• (Not That You) Ask(ed) Zoie™: How to Drive a Man Crazy - January 5th, 2006