Stamped: January 23rd, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your little reprieve last week because, as usual, things are not looking very good in my crystal ball. I don't mean the crystal ball itself. I Windex that thing daily; sometimes twice daily. But we're not talking about my huffing addictions. We're talking about your destinies. On that note, let's just jump right in…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You need to settle down. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I'm getting a fairly strong you're a trashy whore reading for you this week. You may not be fucking around in the literal sense, but someone is getting fucked by you in some way. Know what I mean? It's a metaphor. Do you even know what that is? Ok, how about just locking yourself in your room this week. Your mouth could use the rest. And bring some books. Your mind could use the exercise that the rest of your body has been getting.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You have GOT to stop telling those dirty jokes at work, dude. And that drunk driving gig is also a bit played. What I'm trying to say is that you should try the maturity suit on for size. I understand that streaking is a real trip, but it starts to get really gross after age—say, 22. You may not know it, but you're being watched by some impressionable people. We've got enough people to scar the youth of America, so I think you should play for the home team. At least this week, when it really counts. Then you can go back to your regularly scheduled mud wrestling.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
This is sooo gonna be a good week for you, my Gem. Things are happening and change is on the horizon, but it's all genearlly for the better. Remember that stress is part of the equation, so getting dramatic is an unnecessary buzzkill. If you're concerned that you might not be able to handle the transitionary period very well, just allow extra time in your schedule for masturbation. An extra chunk of time in the morning should do it. And maybe a quickie at lunch. Oh, and then there's the nighttime session; that could take a bit longer…

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You've been talking a lot, but there's no bark to your bite. Or bite to your bark? Whatever. The point is that you have to start acting upon all those little things you bitch about (like, incessantly, by the way). Your friends want to help you, but not if you can't even help yourself. And they're starting to consider billing you for their companionship. Yeah, dude. It's getting that bad. At least try having a convesation where you don't talk about that same fucking thing you've been talking about for the past five years.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Wow. You have a lot of shit going on, don't you? And we're talking about some stressful issues, not just a schedule booked with lunches and dates. The thing is that you're moving so fast that you don't have time to realize that you're on the edge of a breakdown. I'd strongly urge (as would your friends and co-workers, I'd imagine. They're all a bit frightened by your manic behavior and are jokingly suggesting you stay away from sharp objects) that you take a day off this week and just do something fun. You know, something fun that doesn't involve firearms.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I'm sensing that you've got some medical issues on your plate. You need to remember to take care of yourself, jackass. Exercise isn't just for the morbidly obese anymore. And all that diet soda is totally going to give you diabetes. Or cancer. Probably both. Learn to handle your stress too. That whole monthly meltdown thing you've got going on is not really effective even if it does get you some good pity sex.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Ok, so this might sound a little funny, but when I was getting your reading this week, all I could see was Laura Branigan singing Gloria. So, I'm thinking it can only mean that you need to watch your image this week. Maybe it's the funky layers in your hair or the overuse of eyeliner. Quite possibly, it's the fact that you're a bit awkwardly put together but a great pop song is going to bring you riches. Regardless, you're going to have that song stuck in your head, riiiiight….NOW.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I'm seeing a dark cloud over your head this week, Scorpio. And while I typically have to fight to resist my gag reflex when I see sad, blubbering individuals, I'm actually feeling for you a bit. You seem to be in a tight spot at the moment, and I think it'd have institutionalized stronger men by now. Congrats on surviving this long. But now, let's make some moves. Severe, drastic action is called for. Wipe the slate clean, my friend. I hear Utah is a great place to, um, start over. Well, there's the bigamy thing too, but mainly starting over.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Are you awake over there? You're being entirely too quiet. I mean, people at work are starting pools for when you're going to show up with a gun and just start firing. If something is bothering you, trolling around on the Internet is not going to solve anything. In fact, it's probably just making matters worse. They can track your IP address, you know. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're wanted in three states. Maybe laying low and keeping quiet is a good idea after all. It's cool. I never saw you and I swear to God I won't tell.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You've overlooked something and the results of that slick move are going to cause some problems for you this week. So, I'd start brainstorming for some good excuses now. But I'm clinically retarded! is always a good one. Oh, and I'm pretty sure you're going to forget to zip your fly at some point this week, so make sure you do a status check before bathroom departure.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week you need to be on guard. You've put yourself in a bad position and someone is going to take advantage of your mistake. The worst part is that it's probably someone you thought you could trust. But that's the thing with you, moron. You can't just love everybody. In fact, most of the world is comprised of morons. The quicker you learn this and put your love-is-all-you-need schtick to rest, the better you shall be, my hippie friend.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You know, you've actually been doing well for yourself lately, Pisces. You're getting your shit in order, and it's about fucking time. Just remember that no one is going to be patting you on the back; this is the kind of shit you should have been doing all along. If you get all mopey because you didn't get that parade of congratulations you'd expected, all your efforts will have been for nothing. In essence, just suck it up and don't be a little bitch. Your payoff will come. Be patient.

Ok, got all that? Be well, everyone. I mean, in case you hadn't noticed, I do actually care about you all. Even if your tantrums, odd obsessions, and glaringly obvious mother issues are all terribly nauseating.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007