Stamped: January 30th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Yes, the dreaded VDay is coming, but let's get one thing clear before I begin. You still have a week or two before you are allowed to wine about being alone and miserable on National Love Day. This week, we're going to be proactive–I think it's called optimistic? I dunno, but I hear it's kinda fun. So we're gonna give it a shot! Everyone grab a cup and some pink glasses or something. I hear that shit has something to do with it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You're feeling pretty perky this week and I think you may have even forgotten that the big V Day is almost upon us. Good on you, rockstar. Use your energy and enthusiasm to get some practical things done this week. After you see the F word (February) on your calendar this week, I think things will beging to go downhill. You always were the sappy one of the group.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Prepare yourself, Taurus. Every now and then you need a reality check on your dramatic tendencies, and the time has come. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your co-workers talk about you incessantly and the only person that can actually stand you right now is your pet rock. Dude. Grow up. Life is hard, but moping at your age is simply unacceptable. Just think, in twenty years or so, you'll be in even worse physical shape, so enjoy what you've got now. It probably won't get too much better. (Shit…I fogot about that optimism thing….)

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
How are you doing? I'm picking up on some painful vibes from my Geminis this week, and I can't tell if they're emotional or physical. Did you just get dumped? Get a Brazilian? Either way, you're a tough chick and you can handle it. In fact, all of this will heal much more nicely if you just quit your sniveling. Suck it up, Gemini. You're hottest when you're reenforcing the sentiment that you are, in fact, one hardcore chick. Bow down, bitch. Bow down.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Ok, I can tell that this time of the year has got you all introspective, hasn't it Cancer? You can have your moment now, I suppose, because you always seem to rally when the actual holiday comes around. You have friends and shit that remind you of the love you do have. But let's use this preemptive moping period productively. Why are you alone this year? Yeah, let's work on that. Part of it's them, but part of it's you, my love.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Things have been really hectic for you lately, haven't they? You seem to have played your hand fairly well with all the personal and business issues you're dealing with, so bravo. In fact, you might be getting lots of attention this week for all your hard work and dedication. Be prepared to recieve, my friend. And just like a Leo, you'll be loving every hot, sweaty moment of it. Make sure to bring a glass of water; no one likes having to get up after that.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
My Virgos might be having it rough this week, but they always know how to handle shit very efficiently. So you were just dealt some unsettling news, so what? There isn't a better person this could have happened to. You are already all over that mess and ready to move on. Things might be somewhat shitty for the next few weeks or so, but everyone knows you made the right move. Oh, and on a romantic note, I totally see that someone is going to propose to you, like, really fucking soon. Hot.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Ok, so you know how Coldplay used to be cool, and now Chris Martin's voice is just super annoying and shit? Well, that's kinda the turn you're taking, buddy. Now listen, I know you're not trying to be obnoxious. I mean, look, do you think they thought naming a baby after a piece of fruit would be so irritating? Of course not! They're just dumb and misinformed about the world! Just like you, Libra! So, stop being a prick and just chill out. If you don't listen to me, someone else will be all over you like white on rice (and with much less compassion, my retard-o friend).

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Someone is being a bit controlling in your life, Scorpio. And while you're typically one to handle such things quietly, I think that it's becoming an issue that you can no longer live with. Of course, it's not going to kill you, but it is quietly darkening your spirit. I propose that you ball up and actually have a conversation with this person. I know, I know—you?! Talk?! But hear me out; I think it will actually be a good thing! Try it out! I'm even trying out this optimism gig, and it's not too bad!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You Sags are giving me some trouble this week. I'm having trouble reading you. I mean, why are you giving me the silent treatment? Did I do something? Say something? You know me! You know I'm never out to hurt you, don't you? I mean, what do you want from me? Do you think I walk on water? Yeah, well, I've got a newsflash for you, jackass. Yeah. That's right. I said it. Jack. Ass. I'm so out of here. You just figure this shit out for yourself.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
I'm not too sure what to tell you, dude. Maybe you should start wearing less black. Redecorate the apartment? I mean, they say that even going tanning will do wonders for your serotonin. Something about the lights, or maybe it's the cancer. Whatever. My point here is that you need to cheer up! There are studies that say that even forcing a smile will instantly make you feel more chipper. Try it! No, don't shake your head; try it. Yeah! There you go, eh? Now go on and get outta here, you crazy cat! Go on, git!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Why did they write a song about your sign anyway? I mean, didn't they know that you'd forever be associated with that annoying musical? I feel you, my shafted friend. This simply is not fair. But, sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches. Just remember that this does not include parodying onesself by singing that song before anyone else can get the jab in. That actually just makes you look like a big loser. Please stop that.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You, you, you! You big beautiful person! Seriously, you probably have it the best this week, my fishy-wishy friend! Now, this may seem far-fetched, but I'm seeing big things for you. I'm seeing a train, possibly even a long journey. You will find yourself in a new place this week, and it's going to make you so fucking happy. In this new place, you shall find the love of your life. Hey, is that a diamond ring in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?!

So, wasn't that fun? Yeah, it was kinda neat! Though, I'm not fully sold on these fucking pink lenses. I look like white trash. And fuck, I need some more water…

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007