Stamped: January 31st, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dating hijinks, friends and losers, holiday hijinks, lists, shoes.
Similarly tagged posts
- Let Me Explain...
- Girlspoke Dumping Service™
- Commenter Appreciation Day!
- I'm glad it's
your my birthday - croutons and tequila, a story
- Fuck Yeah 2007!
- The Men in My life
- The Root of All Evil
- Christmas in September
- Girlspoke, Inc.
- Happy Birthday You Sexy Sexy Thing!
- Meme Supports Our Troops
- Humpday Handouts
- Humpday Handouts
- How (not) to...
- To be single or not to be single
- The 135th Post, Hoss
- We are now entering the Doldrums
- Ex-Girlfriend for a Day
- Rock 'N Roll High School
- Dates of Yore
- Wild Abandon
- Exit My Life, Please
- The Six Thirty Date
- A Birthday, Drag Queens and Wishes
- Please Don’t Be Nice
- Why Colder Can be Cooler
- Spreading a Little Food Knowledge
- My Vacay Wasn't All Just About Sex
- The Dating Ego
- Pre-Spinsterhood Vacation
- NSA Sex and the Good Girl
- Sharing and Caring
- my online dating man list
- Mama don't Preach
- lessons from the universe & screwing married men
- Update: Newsworthy?
- bullshit advice and the friends who give it
- The Real Purpose of Facebook
- help me out
- this is my hangover post, dedicated to Dave Annable
- signs your relationship is tweaked, a glossary of terms & phrases
- Show us some love
- Under heart-shaped pressure
- What friends are for
- GA
- My Playlist
- Oh, you
- Christmas Quotes
- Breaking News: Stupidity Abounds
- Ho-Ho-Horospoke™ - December 2006
- those aren't freckles
- I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
- fuck the wii
- Best. Dating. Clubs. Ever?
- Gobble gobble gobble, burp
- Listed
- How are you? No really, how are you?
- Rawr.
- Girlspoke Halloween Recap
- Love in the pumpkin patch
- Big Ups
- Budget Vans are Funny
- Things that scare me...
- Fuck Me, Redux
- Eternal Sunshine of Jenna's Mind
- Vagina, I Curse Thee
- Women's women vs Men's women
- Happy Labor Day, You Lazy Bitches
- The Disgruntled Worker's Checklist
- A Girl's Best Friend
- In the Woods
- How to Avoid Marrying Someone Just Like Yourself (and consequently, How to Avoid Marriage Altogether)
- Top Five People Screwing Up Girlspokia
- Lo's Weekly Rant
- To My Lovely Neighbor
- Girlfriend for a couple of Days
- Who's Hot, Who's Not?
- Yes, You Do Look Fat in That
- The Girlspoke Pillow Fight™, July 2006
- America, my special man.
- All Points Bulletin - Girlspokers MIA
- Lo's Weekly Rant
- The Great Toxic, FEMA-damaged Cock Hunt
- Lo's Weekly Rant
- The heart-shaped bed is getting crowded
- If you knew Meme, like I know Meme (and Jenna and Lo and Casey and Betty)
- Girlspoke: Week in Review
- So..any lawyers out there wanna wine and dine me?
- A boy's just gotta be a girl
- At the Playboy Mansion
- The Girlspoke Pillow Fight™, May 2006
- Girlfriend For A Day - The First Date
- Bra Burning in 2006
- The New Urban Woman (NUW)
- Summertime Blues
- The Girlspoke DrunkCast™, The Delayed Cast
- Lo's Weekly Rant
- Subway Rage
- Speaking of Porn...
- Looking for a Few Good Boys
- Lo's Weekly Rant
- There's No Place Like Home
- Let Me Explain...again.
- DrunkieMcDrunkeness
- It's All About Jenna
- Flirting and the Days of Yore
- This could be your title, next to your name, with your picture!
- Welcome to (I am) Fat Tuesday
- Post Valentine's Day Wrap Up
- Happy Valentine's Day Bitches
- Round Two...
- Your Destiny, It is Written
- Girlfriend for a Day: The Hollywood Moment
- Let The Festivities Begin
- Scratching the Surface
- Today's Post Will Have the Most Insulting Comments Ever
- A Mid-Winter's Night Fever Dream
- Holiday Girlfriend for a Day
- Drunkcast™ Interruptus
- Happy Thanksgiving Bitches
- Mr. New York, Wherever You Are
- Why I Hate You
- un petit amuse-bouch
- Top Ten Tips to Getting Laid - A Beginner's Guide
- Are You My Future Husband?
- Put that on a Post-It, bitch.
- A Moment In Time
- Fuck Me!
- Meme's Vacation
- Today's Fictitious Conversation With My Non-Existent Boyfriend
- Listen up Ladies
- What Were They Thinking?
- Put Your Best Foot Forward
- Possessiveness
- The Ass Files
- No, You May Not Suck My Toe
- Girlfriend For A Day
- Objectify Me, Please
- http://love.google.com
- My Sincerest Apologies
- The Days of Thongs and Roses
- Dinosaurs and Peaches* Redux
- Alone Together
- Riddle Me This
- Ice Ice Baby
- And The Winner Is...
- the Alphabet can Be so Cruel
- Come on, hop in, you know you want to...
- Mannequin seeking LTR with SWF
- Shameless Self-Promotion
- The unwanted vs. the unloved
- Secret Crush of the Week - 2
- A single dad, a leaky boat and way too many mojitos
- Exercises in Futility
- Secret Crush of the Week
I'm going to take a quick break from staring at the sky (my neck is killing me) to give you all a lesson in gift-giving.
But, why Jenna?
Well, primarily because my birthday is rapidly approaching, and I'd like to use this post in my annual "just a little reminder!" email to my friends and family. For all you playing (with yourselves) at home, the beloved date is March 9th—email me for my mailing address. Did you actually think Meme shares her PayPal account?!
Now, when it comes to giving gifts, you need to put forth an amount of effort that is proportionate to the length of time you have been with this person. While the recipient may be ever-complex and choosey, the process itself should be easy as a lubricated whore.
*Please note: this guide is primarily set for couples, but could also be applicable to very close friends, or quirky (almost to the point of incarceration) relatives.
Lust at First Sight — One Month
If you have the misfortune of finding a partner this close to his or her birthday, you'll suffer some inconvenience. Clearly jewelry is a bit much, and the sex toys and lingere may send the wrong signal (or, the right one, just too quickly). On top of this, you are under a microscope. If you want to stick around, you better impress. For you, I'd suggest something from the following list:
A Mix Tape (as long as it does not contain any music from the following: Enya, Meatloaf, Phil Collins, Eminem, or Sarah MacLoughlin.) Somewhere in the mix, you should add a Girlspoke DrunkCast™ . When she grows alarmed, look surprised and say that you must have slipped that in accidentally. Mentioning one of us as an ex-girlfriend will totally score you some desirability points.
A Book. I would highly recommend The Lost Blogs by Paul Dickerson–er, Davidson.
An evening out. Nothing says, "You're hot, and I don't love you, but totally want to bang you" like a night on the town. Make sure you drive, but accidentally have too much to drink. The cab ride home, or the walk at 2am, will leave her "thank you!" options wiiiiide open.
One Month — Six Months
Earmuff the munchkins, because I'm about to drop the F word. Gift-giving during this time period requires you to show your feelings. But fear not, because Jenna has all the answers. Choose from the following:
A card. Yes, a card is now a requirement, and we're not talking the free e-cards you can get at pickleparty.com. Really, you can't do too badly here because us chicks know you're out of your league. However, no woman can excuse the card that has those two bunnies surrounded by floating hearts. Fucking bunnies? Are you kidding me?
A personalized photo album. Surely she has a flickr account? Or at least you've hacked into her computer looking for misplaced nude photos? Great. Then compile all those that have the both of you looking happy. I would strongly discourage including any photo where the female's hair or skin looks bad. When in doubt, have another woman on standby with full veto power. You know what? Adding a naughty section at the end isn't such a bad idea. Just make sure they're all with her, jackass.
Clothing. Eventually, all men are compelled to purchase clothing as a gift. Whether it be a sweater, a dress, or cute panties, take my advice: DON'T. Seriously, the odds are against you. It's not going to fit. It's in the wrong color. You think I'm a SIZE 12?! Even with lingere, guys. Let that be her gift to you. A French Maid costume complete with garter belt and stockings is not exactly a gift for her, dumbass.
Six Months–One Year
The pressure is on to start dropping money for your lover at this point. If you want to play it safe, jewelry is now a viable option. In fact, if you haven't bought her baubles at all yet, it is now a necessity. Of course, even jewelry can be a dangerous territory. Take this cheat-sheet with you in case you find yourself off the beaten path.
Gold. There are three options when it comes to jewlery: silver, gold (white and yellow), and platinum. Platinum is for the rich and about-to-be-engaged, so we'll leave that on the back burner for now. So we've got silver and white or yellow gold. If you're looking to evoke images of WalMart and trailer trash, then go with silver. If you're interested in actually keeping this girl around, go with gold. As for what color…the general rule is that Italians get yellow and everyone else wears white.
Precious Stones. Until you're on one knee, you should avoid dropping diamonds around this woman. As for the rest, avoid anything that is pastel or ends in "-ite." Oh, and green. That peridot shit is for suckers. And for all you boys out there thinking, but she'll never know if it's fake, right? Wrong. We know. Always.
*Jewelry Note: If the item you have purchased looks similar to *anything* in the Kay Jewelers catalogue, you've struck out. Find a friendly female to help you and try again.
One Year –Two Years
Now you need to start mixing romance and (here it comes again) feelings with money. Think Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous or that annoying Sweet Sixteen show on MTV. After her birthday, your girl should be able to say, Um, yeah. My gift wasn't really anything like either of those, but I can see the comparison you're going for here. With that in mind, I suggest the following:
A weekend away. This can be win-win if you play your cards right. Casinos can totally be sexy. Just make sure you bring some stylish clothes and let her shop. Does a Bed & Breakfast sound too frilly? Well, they're meant to be cozy and relaxing (read: you'll get laid lots).
Spa package. If you get the deluxe package that includes the full body massage, facial, and beauty treatment, I bet she'll even go Brazilian for you.
Two Years +
I'll be honest with you. At this point, the gifts are getting little old, so you're going to need to be quite dramatic…
Cosmetic surgery. On you, genius. She's perfect just the way she is. Your ass, on the other hand, could use some plumping.
A child. Preferrably from your loins. Refrain from grabbing one off the street. She's certainly not that desperate. And, hey, if you're sterile, you can always get all Brangelina and adopt the fucking world.
Pornography. That's right, stud. You've been good all these years. Now it's time for you to hit up Best Buy for a digital camera and tripod. It's movie-making time!
Beyond two years, if she's still around, you're probably no longer in need of the girlspoke training wheels. Congratulations on scoring the lady (and please remember to mark my birthday on your calendar.)
xo
Jenna
Last 5 posts by Jenna
Girlspoke Guide to Birthday Gifts
Pingback by XooZ BLOG » GirlSpoke
— 1 February 2006 @ 8:58 am
Comments
I gotta wait two years to get some girl to get implants? That’s wrong. You should be able to give those at 6 months.
-Dickerson.
Mr. Dickerson, you obviously didn’t read very closely. The surgery is not for her, dear.
You’re not a size 12? Ahh, I see it now…I thought those pants looked a little small for you.
Jenna My dear,
I don’t think you being comprehensive. What about those of us dating strippers?
Ryan, cute.
Al, do you really need me to tell you what a stripper wants?
that was gold
Really enjoyed reading this post. Simply sublime
. I think I’ll be sticking around here for a while… =)
I noticed babelfish doesn’t really translate the page (Dutch to English) well, however, what I’m writing is all good, so don’t worry
- No I’m not going to translate it myself, since I’m still in the lust at first sight-state. I DO have a mix-tape however, have fun downloading it from www.xavez.be (can’t miss the download-button)!