Stamped: February 2nd, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: unsolicited advice.

girlspoke’s unsolicited bad-advice columnist

Ladies, how do you get — and keep — the attention and interest of the man you’re dating? Men, how do you keep your date from realizing you’re a total loser?

These are the kinds of important questions we all ask ourselves when we’re in the dating arena. Unfortunately, ladies, keeping a man’s interest isn’t as easy as giving him an all-access pass to your Pop Rocks. And guys, sorry to break it to you, but sharing your deepest thoughts on the latest episode of Lost ain’t gonna do the trick when it comes to upping your score on the Interesting-o-Meter.

This is why we could all benefit from some good dating rules. And Wendy at City Wendy in the Windy City has taken a stab at putting such a list together:

I've been perusing blogs for awhile now, hanging out in bars longer than I care to admit, and engaging in bitch sessions with my friends as frequently as our long-lost 'Sex and the City' girlfriends used to, and as I peek into the lives of my peers, either voyeuristically, or as a more intimate confidante, one thing has become so glaringly obvious, so intrinsically tethered to our self-identities and the way we perceive one another, that I can no longer avoid discussing it here: people don't know how to fucking date.

She’s right. We don’t know how to fucking date. From getting so drunk we vomit on our dates’ shoes to hooking up with other people while supposedly on a date, we are, on the whole, a real mess when it comes to exercising proper dating etiquette. I don’t know, though, if Wendy’s advice is spot on. Something feels off that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s too useful. Too practical. I think it just might not be bad enough. So I’ve taken the liberty of making a few modifications to each of her rules.

Rule 1: Get a life.
I say why get a life when you can pretend you have one? Wendy is right that having friends, hobbies and interests are all attractive qualities. But who has the time for this kind of nurturing and cultivation of the self? That is where faking it comes in. Ladies, you know how sometimes when you’re with a guy, ahem, in bed, and things aren’t going like you’d like? You might throw a few coos and moans into the mix, maybe a forced artificial thrust or two followed by an emphatic Oh ya, that was great. And you, my adorable male readers, you know how you might pretend to be all into foreplay — the hugging, touching, squeezing, even the snuggling? All just to get what you really want, which is inside her panties?

Well, all I’m saying is you can apply these same tactics outside the bedroom. You already have your faking-it skills down. So, are your friends a bunch of losers? Talk about them as if they were the fucking cast of Grey’s Anatomy. Haven’t taken any classes or gone on any trips? Do a little Google search and figure out a night class or weekend escape you can work into conversation, without even having to leave home. Here’s what Wendy says on the topic:

We see someone with a life — with a real life…with something else — anything else — besides work and television, and we want to be a part of that.

I say, pretend you have a life, a real life … with something else that’s fake – anything you can easily fake – which will leave you even more time for work and television, especially the television, and who wouldn’t want to be part of that fake life you’ve created?

Rule 2: Don’t play all your cards.
I say, play all your cards, and then some. If you like someone, just throw everything out there all at once. Every single thing you’ve ever accomplished, every nice word ever said about you, all the juicy details about your best attributes (don’t be afraid to throw in measurements, if appropriate). That’s right. Think of all the things you can use to promote yourself, then dump them all on the table, as if you were turning your purse (or wallet) upside down and emptying it entirely of its contents. When you think you’ve gotten everything out, keep shaking, something else is bound to fall out. Like how you won the spelling bee in the third grade. Or how you can undo your own bra just by flexing your back muscles the right way.

Rule 3: Resist the urge to be charming.
Wendy gives this advice:

When you feel like making a witty retort, try a half-smile instead. The hidden wit and mystery the half-smile conveys — like you know a secret or a joke you aren't telling — is way, way sexier than that dorky remark you were going to make, anyway.

Hidden wit? Mystery? If someone half smiled at me, I’d be half ready to half head for the door. Rather than resisting the urge to be charming, my advice is to go for it. Best case scenario: You’ll come across as charming. And worst case: You will flub up and come off like a dork. But haven’t you heard? Dorky is the new chic. Dorks know how to invest their money. Dorks have all the brains. Dorks have coveted high-tech jobs. You should woo your date by showing him or her you are part of the dorkerati. So don’t hold back. Make your bad jokes, and punctuate every joke with a loud, snorty laugh. It’ll get not only your date’s attention, but the attention of everyone in the room.

Rule 4: Date more than one person.
This is one piece of Wendy’s advice I am leaving intact. Of course, you should date more than one person. You should date as many people as your busy fake life allows you to work into your busy fake schedule. You should even double book from time to time. That way, in case someone cancels on you, you’ll have a backup. And even if you end up having to cancel on your backup, you can always blame it on an unexpected __________ that’s part of that __________ organization you’re so involved in. (Come on, folks, you have to fill in the details of your fake life. You don’t expect me to do all the work for you, do ya?)

Rule 5: Be picky.
Life is too short to have standards that are high. Let’s face it, you can’t be picky. You’re statistically likely to break up with most of the people you date anyway, so why not just go for quantity over quality? In the end, you men will be able to brag about all the notches on your belt. Hell, you might even get an erotic blog out of it, like 81 Vaginas. And in later years, you ladies will have the pleasure of reflecting on a life in which you took many a lover, Paris Hilton style. Come on, who doesn’t want to have so many lovers they lose count? But you’re never going to achieve these lofty goals if you’re picky.

Now get out there and make, or break, all the dating rules,
Zoie

If you are currently experiencing a dating or sex problem, and you don’t want bad advice from Zoie, don’t e-mail her at info@girlspoke.com. If you are unlucky, she may just give you some advice you haven’t asked for that could make your problem even worse.

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