Stamped: February 6th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

The fuckin' groundhog saw his shadow and the dreaded V-Day is right around the bend. Could things get any worse as we ride out the rest of this dreary season? It's going to be a rough February, my stars, but I'm right here with you. You know, full of advice and shit. Or maybe just to complain so you don't have to.

At the very least, this week we shall be happy that at least we're not this man:

.

(I swear that none of you shall die by way of bear this week!)

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This is going to be the week of the Aries. A few plans of yours are falling together and you've managed to prepare yourself for that realization. Just remember to keep a level head this week. You have the potential for getting all wacky, and this would be the worst time to let that pop up. Becuase, if it does, you'll get squashed back into your place like one of those obnoxious bop-a-moles. And I'd really hate to see that happen.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
How are you doing? You seem content, happier. I think you've been getting laid! No? Ok, maybe found Jesus? Regardless, just take notice of how much happier those around you are this week. It's no coincidence, Einstein. When you're miserable, you have an excellent knack of ensuring that everyone else is equally glum. So love it while it lasts because, before long, I'm sure you'll be back to being a jerk again.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Live it up this week, my Gemini, because your party days are numbered. There has been way too much pleasure and hardly any work going on over there, and it's going to catch up with you. I'd recommend a self-induced bout of hermitude. Avoid the computer, the sex, the booze, and, umm, well, the masturbation can stay. But only as a reward for productivity. You need to power down the engines and regroup, pronto.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You're stressed this week, Cancer, and I'm a bit concerned. I mean, I totally saw it coming, but I may have been off in placing the reason for your misery. There is a bigger issue that is causing you unhappiness, so I'll go easy on you this week. Let me just say that you need to seek out your friends when you're feeling this way. Don't sit home alone, in the dark, writing poetry, and listening to Mazzy Star when you're this sad. Nothing good can come of that mess.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Dude, not everything is joke. You go about your day cracking on friends and co-workers that are on the verge of either crying or kicking your annoying ass. This week, I highly recommend that you chill with the wise-ass behavior. It's only going to get you into hot water. Besides, you're not really all that funny. (Except for the other day, when you made that comment about whatshisname! Holy shit, that was fucking hilarious.)

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Ok, Virgos, it's time to get your shit together. You made some really excellent personal plans recently. But, for whatever the reason, you're not following through. You've picked the worst possible time for your best quality to fall by the wayside. So get organized for fuck's sake! It's not oftent that I make house calls, but if you fuck up this week, I will personally show up at your doorstep to lay down some Jenna smack. And, no, I'm not talking heroin. I quit that shit weeks ago.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Listen, my Libra. You have been juggling too many things lately and, so far, you've been lucky. But this week, I see an imminent crash-and-burn. Your skating on the proverbial thin ice of some really yucky pond. Falling into that when things finally crack is not only going to get you very wet and cold, but also very dirty and incredibly smelly. So let's step down with grace rather than taking a digger, face first, in front of everyone.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You have had a personal epiphany of sorts very recently, and I'm actually thrilled for you. Seriously. My concern, however, is that you're not going to ride it out for its full glory. It's one thing to make some minor changes in your lifestyle or general outlook, but you have to potential to be happier than you've ever dreamed. Let's at least give that a shot, ok? Plus–and I don't just say this to anyone–you're much cooler than you give yourself credit for.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You're kind of freaking everyone out this week, Sag. I'm not sure if it's your eerie, ever-present smile, your incessant drinking of caffeine and/or Red Bull, or the fact that you audibly announced that you feel for Timothy Treadwell. Before you completely isolate yourself from any social contact, let me advise you to get tight-lipped about all that freaky shit. Because, no, it's not really very funny at all, dude. It's fully disturbing.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Um, you're boring me. This week, everything about you screams–or maybe it just indifferently mumbles–blah. What is with you, man? Seriously, I don't want to get all Bon Jovi on your ass, but you've only got one shot at this thing. Your apathy is nearly as retarded at Tim Treadwell. You may as well just go on up to Alaska and start proclaiming your love to 10 ft. tall Grizzly Bears, you jackass. For real, you're in store for some tough love this week; I'm not the only one that thinks you need a foot in your ass.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You are a rare sign, my Aquarians, beacause–let's face it–who likes having sex in May?! This week, people are going to see your unique values and all the charm that accompanies them. Prepare to get some attention, not for your personality, but for your ability and potential. Get that suit to the cleaners and make sure you're freshly shaven every day this week. I'm seeing big things for you. Big time.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Are you feeling a bit blue this week? Having trouble adjusting to your new surroundings? I recommend that you choose from the following in order to lift your spirits: Bake. Whether you bake for yourself and get fat, or bake for a neighbor and feign friendliness, it's a win-win situation. And anyone can follow a recipe. Drink. I don't think that needs much explanation. Screw. That's right. We all know your a closet (or public) freak, so get at it, and start grinning.

I love you! I love you! I love you, Mr. Chocolate!

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007