Stamped: February 8th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., dates of yore, dating hijinks, mom.

…is starting to kick my ass.

This whole dating thing.

Today my trusty little computer emailed me the word of the day. And the good word was mantra, as in a sound, word, or phrase that is repeated in prayer and is believed to have mystical powers. Well, if I were to utter my mantra for today it would be something along the lines of honey, keep your damn legs closed or perhaps darlin', figure out what the hell it is you are doing and then for chrissakes let us all know!

Honestly, people. I have been on the planet a fair amount of years and I still have no idea how it happens. Do I fall head first into the abyss or am I to be dragged, kicking and screaming? I've done both and in the long run, I'm not sure it made much of a difference…except that neither relationship lasted beyond the three-year mark.

But that's just me. Allow me to update you.

After four dates, The Limey and I parted amicably. If you can call my hanging-on-to-his-pant-legs-as-he-tried-to-shake-me-off-and-walk-away amicable. I guess there were the warning signs, to which I was blindly stupid, but in hindsight should have given me profound insights as to where things were headed. Like the fact that after the first date when I offered to go dutch, he rather gleefully accepted or that he never complemented me on how great my cleavage looked in that new Stella McCartney blouse. And calling late Saturday night to see what I was up to, should have–I know, I know–been a red flag. Silly me. I thought it was just a cultural difference, the we-don't-tip-back-home kind of misunderstanding. After a long night of watching Bette Midler movies, deleting him from my cell phone, email and AIM accounts and erasing all the messages I had been saving for the cute audio montage at our wedding, I am feeling much better.

The Nigerian got short shrift these last two weeks as I basically left him standing at the tennis courts holding his balls. He was quickly replaced by The Man from The Internets with whom I flirted up a storm albeit electronically. The courtship consisted of him sending me fetching photos of his chickens, his dillapidated Victorian, and a view of the bay from his sailboat. I was in love already; he sounded perfect, with a dashing photo to boot, and I, in turn, started picking out our wedding invitations. Hurriedly, I made a phone date. The gravelly voice on the end of the line should have alerted me that, in fact, it was too good to be true. We agreed to meet and when we did I realized The Man from The Internets was actually The Very Old Man from The Internets. Oxygen tank included. I don't even think the photo was him when he was younger. The only thing that turned out to be true about my true love was the photos: the chickens, the sailboat, and the Victorian he'd been living in since the turn of the second-to-last century.

Then there is The Guy from Cali who called me last week wanting to borrow a hundred bucks so he could fix his computer and get back to online dating. I am starting to actually think it might be worth it for me to pay him to get him off my back. Maybe he could actually find someone else to borrow money from and call when he missed the last bus home from the taco stand he calls a job. Previously, I mentioned that The Guy from Cali was good in bed and that was the primary reason to put up with him. But what I am beginning to realize is that good in bed doesn't happen after he's drank the last drop of the obscure Spanish liquor that's been hibernating in my cupboard for the last decade.

Well, as my mom would say that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And speaking of my mom, I leave you with our latest phone exchange:

Me: Sigh. What am I gonna do for Valentine's Day?
Mom: You have that one girl friend who's single, what's her name? Call her up.
Me: Yeah, and get wasted.
Mom: You've been watching too much Sex and The City.
Me: I never watch that show.
Mom: Yeah, and you're not getting any sex in the city!

Last 5 posts by Casey

• Sugar - February 23rd, 2007
• Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long time to make it short. - February 7th, 2007
• A debate yet to be debated - June 30th, 2006
• Procrastination Wednesday - April 26th, 2006
• There's No Place Like Home - March 22nd, 2006