Stamped: February 10th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: DrunkCast™.

Ok, so maybe I'm drunk. And just maybe I have no one to Cast with because, again, just maybe she's off, you know, riding cowgirl. But, truthfully, this is probably all for the best. I mean, I had bookmarked some really raunchy shit to talk about with Meme, and I'm certain I'd be embarrassed by it all tomorrow. Plus, the replacement Cast is all about you, not some awkward sexual scenarios that would probably make you want to puke more than laugh anyway.

Right.

So it's Friday, but not just any Friday. It's the Friday-before-you-procrastinate-buying-that-Valentine's-Day-gift-for-your-girl Friday. But, being the ever helpful and omniscient astrologer that I am, I want to prevent your post V-Day silent treatment–the unspoken argument that will inevitably ensue because ohmygod I can't believe you bought me fucking Russel Stover.

Here's what you do. Remember that Girlspoke Guide to Birthday Gifts I shared last week? Well, tweak it a bit. It'll work just as well for this. But, you also need to mentally prepare. That's right, stand up. Roll that neck. Now shake it off! Niiiice. Have you been hitting the gym?

Ahem. I digress. Here's the deal. Gift giving requires two parts: the IQ and the EQ. Your IQ is taken care of in the guide. As for the EQ, or your emotional quotient, prep yourself with the following tunes. They will keep you focused on the the entire process of getting the perfect gift–from buying to presenting. Or at least the perfect gift that will get you the perfect piece of ass.

Step One: First off, let's get the legal crap out of the way. This chick is actually your girl, right? I mean, we certainly don't want you getting all stalker on us. We have enough lawsuits for our dissolution of marriages. And that is a bitch, let me tell you.

Step Two: Ok, it's time to head to the mall. Don't be frightened. You'll see lots of your kind there! Just remember that it's all about her being naughty, not nice. You know, so maybe shopping at The Teddy Bear Factory isn't such a great idea.

Step Three: Ok, got the gift? Sweet. Your work is half over. Yes, that's right. Half of the gift is in its presentation. Most importantly, you don't want to get her all riled up all at once. Work it. Tease it. Make her want, um, it. I'm thinking a scavenger hunt? A classic game of Which Hand? Whatever. Work the suspense.

Step Four: And, in the end (really), if she is still giving you shit, then maybe you really did fuck up with the gift. Hey, it happens. All is not lost. It's all about making the best out of what you've got, so turn on the charm and just let it all happen.

Step Five: What? You have no charm? Ok, well, you should probably head back to the mall then. I don't know, man. What the fuck did you get her?! I mean, you did get her something, right? (In most cases, some sweet bling will totally win her back. I mean, unless you were a total jerk. Were you? Actually, don't even tell me. I'm one of those chicks that'd just rather live in my ignorance, thanks. Just listen to this as you roll over to Tiffany's)

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007