Stamped: February 16th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: body parts, moods, things i ♥, unsolicited advice.
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I know I usually give out advice, but today the tables are turned. I need some advice from all of you. Why is it that, every time I use my favorite expletive phrase, people look at me as if I’ve just cut a newborn puppy in half? All I’ve done is let the words “suck my dick” fall from my lips. OK, they don’t actually fall from my lips as much as they exit forcibly like tiny projectiles precisely honed in on their target. And it’s not so much people who look at me in disgust as it is men, particularly the men I’ve said it to over the years.
These men have told me it’s not cool for a woman to utter such a thing, mostly because I don’t have the requisite equipment for having that particular act performed on me. (That’s right, I don’t have a penis, despite those nasty rumors Meme started a while back.) But I say, who fucking cares if I actually have a dick? I live my life as if I do, which is what matters. And it’s only language, after all. Plus, it’s great language. Point out a different phrase that’s equally satisfying to say and calls forth such a strong image, and I will be all over it. (Just keep in mind, it has to be dirty — very, very dirty.)
I tried saying lick my vag as a substitute, but it seems more like an invitation than a proper bitch-slappin’, and I definitely don’t want to get jumped by the men I am trying to admonish. Blow me is also an inferior phrase. It doesn’t pack the same wallop.
So help me out with this one. Are the men I know right about this? Have I gone boldly into language territory where no woman should ever go, like the time I tried to pull off using the word dude in front a group of guys? Or am I a righteous, empowered brassy chica who refuses to be held back by predefined ideas about who is allowed to use which expletives? (Or, as Jenna would say, Is saying suck my dick so my balls?)
Oh, and if you leave a comment offering me an alternative phrase to use, better make it good. Or else I’ll be left with no option. I’ll have to tell you in no uncertain terms: Suck. My. Dick.
P.S. Had a terrible Valentine’s Day. It can so suck my dick.
Last 5 posts by Zoie
Pingback by Hack the Brain » Help a sista out with snappily perverse comebacks
— 17 February 2006 @ 11:12 am
Comments
“Suck my dick” is ok, but the problem is the guys you’re saying it too coming from an attractive girl it just doesn’t scream insult enough, no matter how mad you are. If a hot girl did say that to me I’d probably laugh, I wouldn’t feel insulted. Now if you’re going to use the term like a man then follow through, because if a guy says suck my dick it may also seem like an invitation. So the proper term is “Suck my dick, bitch.” There now you’re insulting someone, truly questioning their masculinity. Once you’ve mastered that step it up a notch. “Eat a dick” now that phrase is reserved for the truly hard core. The ultimate is “Eat a dick with Aids on the tip” from Beanie Siegel. But I’m sure “suck my dick bitch” will work just fine.
I did see two hot girls about to get into a fight and one hot girl told the other to “suck my clit” It was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a girl’s mouth. I raised my hand and said “yes please”
holla
Eat a dick! I love it. Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve tried suck my dick, bitch, or even fuck you, bitch, but these phrases still draw strange looks from men. I’ve explored the idea of using eat a clit, but clit is such a cutesy little word, like something you’d name a stuffed animal.
Anyway, thanks again. Oh, and Virgle, Eat a dick!
is that a doorbell? cause it would look nifty next to my door knockers
i think it’s awesome when a girl says ’suck my dick’ with authority. with or without the ‘bitch’ attached. put’s the offending person(man) right the fuck in his place, most of the time in front of his buds, who are sniggering under their breaths at him. he’s definitely dropped a few rungs on the ladder. also, another great one, uttered by rose mcgowan’s character(i think) in the movie doom generation is, “eat my fuck”. hard core, will stop all conversation.
jr
Thank you for your support, john. I like eat my fuck, too. I’ll try it out for size today and let you know how it goes.
Interesting, I once heard a girl try on suck my quarter inch (was that you Meme?!) but that left maybe too little to the imagination. I often use the words fuckin’ cocksucker, in fact, as often as I can, even though I and many of my male friends do. You can always try on the phrase in another language such as chupa mi verga for added flavor.
The problem is, Casey, I don’t know any other langauges. I don’t even know that many words in English.
Tried and true or tired and pat? SMD is for hockey players.
And when the guys hear you the look sweeping their frontal lobe is: wtf she plays hockey too; who couldn’t score on her?
No, no and no. Girls say: tongue my ass buddy. If you’re the lady type: tongue my lily ass; and if a grrl: tongue my A-hole fuckface.
G’ head try it!
Eat my fuck
or
bite me
or
suck it.
chris, while these suggestions are great, in the moment, I need something short and to the point. I don’t have the time required for polysyllabic words like buddy and lily to roll off my tongue. I’ll stick with suck my dick, thank you very much.
kowgurl, that all sounds very good to me.
Suck My Dick is a classic and can’t be replaced. Audrey Hepburn would have said Suck My Dick, if it had occurred to her.
The men are just scared. Rock on.
You already know how I feel Zoie (”suck my dick” + female = laughter), but I personally think “eat my ass” has a nice visceral ring to it. I know that some people enjoy that kind of thing, but I suspect that it would work well in most “fuck you”-type situations.
i say that alot. i dont think its very offensive, how could it be when you dont, in fact, have a dick?
In the spirit of this post, suck my dick, Dre. Then eat my ass.
i also say suck my balls. it works.
Beth, suck my balls. Hey, that does have a nice ring to it.
Hi Zoie. Bear Uno here. Long time listener, first time caller (not really, I only discovered this site this morning, but so far I’m loving your work).
Thought I might bring my own observations to these discussions. I apologise in advance, but I’m going to write the word “cunt” a lot. Feel free to censor me if you must–I am difficult to offend.
See…here in Oz, at least, guys say “cunt”. A lot. You might call your mate up and say, “G’day, cunt!”. (So long as there are no girlfriends present to take offense, of course–the first sign of the hypocrisy I intend to out.) I can’t speak for blokes in the US or the UK, but I’m fairly confident this would be a global trend among men.
I mention this factoid not to be grossly offensive–as I realise “cunt” is pretty much the ultimate taboo in the English language–but rather to highlight a hypocrisy that annoys me greatly.
You see, I have held for some time that the word “cunt” is Woman’s word. Women around the world should OWN this word; should use it with the same reckless abandon with which men bandy around penis-oriented suggestions. (Personally, I have always preferred “lick the bag”, but I digress.)
“Cunt” is, after all, derived from a Germanic root kunton for “female genitalia”. Was there ever a word more owned by Woman?
So why is it that I can say to another man, “you are a cunt”, and this is acceptable usage; yet when a woman says, “you can suck my dick”, this comes across as unseemly?
Much as I would like to think it is just a question of context–in the first statement, I am of course not inviting anyone to feast on MY cunt, I am merely making an observation about his or her state of being (i.e. a cunt), whereas the latter statement most definitely invites fellatio–but I am afraid I just don’t believe that. It is pure hypocrisy. Another case of one set of rules for Man and a more restrictive set for the Other.
Case in point, I remember reading harsh criticisms heaped upon the scriptwriter who dared to have the female lead utter “Suck my dick!” in GI Jane.
As I see it, the only solution is for all women to free themselves of this (self-imposed?) social constraint, and immediately start referring to others (men and women alike) as “cunt”. A lot.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I have been searching for an appropriate platform, and deemed you site to be “it”.
Cheers, cunts!
Bear Uno
Stick with suck my dick and stop hanging out with crybabies.
I like “suck my dick, you cunt”, I think it strikes a good balance between the masculine and the feminine.
Bear Uno, I love your comment, especially because you used the word cunt so much. It’s one of my favorite words, but I use it sparingly and with caution. I think I’ll do what you suggest and put it to regular use. Thanks again, Cunt!
Michael, that’s not possible. All the men I know are crybabies.
BM, what about suck my dick, then lick my cunt?
My work here is done.
Remember, kids: Use the word “cunt” with love in your heart. Always.
Cheers!
Bear Uno
Bear Uno, I don’t do anything with love in my heart.
Tehe:
Recommendations: French
Putain (puutayn) (Bitch, literally Whore, but used like Fuck! or You Bitch!)
Suce mes Boules (seus may buula) (Suck my balls.)
English ones: (these are so wrong)
Throat me bitch!
Take the cum out of your ears.
Shut your cum catcher.
Anus loving nipple lump.
Suck my corn hole. (eat,lick etc they all work)
My favorite: Move your hand up and down like you are jerking off and make the spurt spurt sound.
On a higher note, Love your blog!
/javi
javi, this is very thorough — and very dirty, just like I requested. Good work! The one with the spurt, spurt sound is classy, too. Just like me.
I figured you would see the merits of the spurt spurt one, it’s a classic, and after some practice becomes so natural it’s like a knee jerk reaction, as I learned to my horror when I was talking to my mother one day and she said something about Ally Macbeal, and I said Ally Macsmally (spurt spurt) which was like something out of an afterschool special on how not to talk to your mom.
Why am I telling you all this?
javi, people just open up to me. Sometimes I open up to them, too. Well, my legs, anyway.
I have been known to bend over for some women, it they properly stimulate me, and have a penetrating wit. In some situations you can just slide into a groove with someone. ya know?
Okay, Ill stop now.
Suck my dick is great! A female co-worker of mine makes the motion of sucking a dick when she gets angry at other drivers; of course she’s had some road rage incidents too. I don’t mind calling other hockey players “Dumb dickless bitches” during the course of a game, maybe I get wound up too much, who knows.
Personally I think there’s alot to be said for shock value. I’m impressed with a woman who uses “creative language”.
Come on admit , you have a problem , here’ s the solution go to have a surgery …
that works, too
Yeah, I will, um, schedule that surgery right away.
what about ‘kiss my cunt’? cute, firm and insulting all rolled into one!
Larissa, I like it. But is it really an insult? That’s the line I use when I want to get me some.
I would definitely take “kiss my cunt” as a come-on more than an insult.
sigh, i guess you’re right
I may be a little late with this, BUT… along with “suck my dick bitch” i often use “chew me” or “bend over bitch”. Sometimes i even simplify “suck my dick” with “suck it”. Puts them in their place everytime.
BM and Larissa, I’m glad that’s settled.
Becca, there’s something I don’t like about chew me. It sounds like there’s a pubic hair involved somehow.
^^^ all of the above posters are nerdy gay-wods