Let Me Explain…
Stamped: February 23rd, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, dates of yore, dating hijinks, friends and losers, lists, neuroses.
I mean, the site is called Girlspoke after all. Don't you think it's about time that we helped you decipher exactly what kind of language this girlspeak is?
Today, we'll take a gander at the world of the dreaded meat market–or, really any bar or social scene where a woman is prone to advances from her male viewers. So many of you boys may be jaded after too many nights of rejection. Wouldn't you have rather she just told you no from the beginning instead of being such a bitch? Well, my dear….she was.
Here's how to translate her subtle signs:
- Scenario #1
- Scenario #2
- Scenario #3
- Scenario #4
- Scenario #5
- Scenario #6
- Scenario #7
You say something funny.
She smirks or gives you a soft laugh.
Translation: You are annoying the fuck out of me. Under no circumstance should you take this as a hint to try again. She is not trying to be shy or cute.
You introduce yourself.
She says hi (no more, no less).
Translation: Ugh. You're kind of ugly. Do you actually think you have a shot with me? She will only get more bitter. Pretend you see a friend across the bar and make like a tree.
You say hi and offer to buy her a drink.
She says, Umm, ok.
Translation: You're never going to get in my pants, but I'll let you buy me drinks all night. Just don't hover. You never know. She may just get drunk enough…
You are simply walking by.
She grabs you and introduces you to a friend.
Translation: She wants nothing to do with you, but is looking to find a husband for her poor, pathetic, single girlfriend. Are you ready to settle down? How many children do you want? How much to you make? Car? Pets? House?
You are sitting at the bar, possibly alone, drinking.
She approaches without provocation and says something random.
Translation: I'm here just to entertain myself and my friends over there. Her and group are playing some Truth or Dare, Bar Edition. You are simply serving as a pawn in their game. However, later on, she may feel badly and come to console you.
You make eye contact from across the bar.
She reciprocates briefly, then whispers to her friend.
Translation: Dude, do you see that guy over there…don't look! He's still looking. The one with the blue and white button-up? Yeah. Hahahahaha! She thinks you're out of her league and they're laughing at you. And people around them can probably hear it all.
You groove on up next to her on the dance floor.
She turns her back to you.
Translation: OhmygodOhmygod…this fucking dirtbag better not fucking stick his VD'd crotch on my fucking ass. She's turning away to say um, no NOT please grind on me.
Does that make more sense to you now? Totally obvious, right?
Stay tuned for the next installment of Let Me Explain… We'll tackle what she wants you to say when you're asked a question. Oh, and that body language. And let's not even start on what lies behind the classics No, it's ok. You don't have to and Whatever.
Last 5 posts by Jenna
- peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
- bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
- I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
- fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
- No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007
Pingback by Hack the Brain » And now, for something completely different
— 23 February 2006 @ 5:09 pm
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— 2 March 2006 @ 9:15 am
Comments
Hilarious! All so true.
I stand by Scenario #2; you try being polite by even saying something and you figure not reciprocating with a full intro gets the message across but nooo… LOL!
They should hand this out at bars!
Yes, boys need these helpful tools, don’t they? Distribution might not be such a bad idea…maybe we need to work on developing a Girlspoke Street Team.
i’m all for guerilla marketing. i’ll be on the corner of 34th and 6th handing out photocopies of this page (with my phone number clearly written on the top), ok?
Someone should’ve told me about that grinding thing, it would’ve saved me many a violent ass to the crotch during college.
i am so about #1… and instead of getting that it wasnt really that funny, or he is annoying… some guys take it as “well let me pull out my BEST stuff”
this is not a fairytale in which you make the princess laugh you get ass!
you REALLY explain “whatever”, I’ll buy you something shiny.
Come on Shawna, it’s always a fairytale in which if you make the princess laugh you get ass!…….Right?…….Guys?……..Ladies?…….Well shit, I’m fucked then, and not literally.
I’m at a loss to explain why so many women complain about being unable to meet the right guy.
MY CROTCH DOES NOT HAVE VD!!! I just happen to break out when I use Condoms. No for real.
Thats it ! Im making pamphlets & passing them out at all social gatherings ! WHO’S WITH ME ?!?
My Favorite, cause it’s so f-ing true.
“Translation: You’re never going to get in my pants, but I’ll let you buy me drinks all night. Just don’t hover. You never know. She may just get drunk enough…”
I am going to have to go to GSA, you know, GirlSpoke Anonymous.
/javi
Lazy J, occasionally laughter and high amounts of alcohol will get you ass…
This is generally not followed by the smirk, or look away move.
When in doubt, liquour is your out!
#4 is hilarious.
I saw it in action a few weeks ago, but the guy didn’t bite.
I’m listening to PAVEMENT’s “Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain” CD, speedcore noise band AMBASSADOR 21 live at Resonance FM (skull crunching “fuck all systems” chant snarling over and over again until I find myself endorsing their Belarus and Minx angst and the hip neo-anarchist mood for change), and BAMBAM BABYLON JASCH, mesmerized by the ragga junglist sounds and tempos…
…and looking at how I “doctored up” that star titties with guns photo art of preceding lonely and bitter hours. Pull that damn trigger my dear Blog Network cousin…
I have been invaded and taken over by the Mean and Filthy Unclean spirit of A Jack of All Blogs.
Please, for crying and whimpering out loud, stop my dementia for me.
I am using your cherubic photo to scare my readers into posting comments, that’s how pathetic and empty and insecure and boring I am.
Have pity. And flash my brother. Thanks.
Love,
A Vaspers the Grate Second Rate Production
Yawn. Can you send me a link to womanspoke?
Yeah, the post is ok. No doubt about the writers quality.
Nonetheless, let me say:
Whatever!
(Also, I am puzzled by the absence in a post on such a subject of the word “loser”)
Yes, #1 and #4 have to be the most common (#4 is near and dear to my heart, actually).
Copyranter, I prefer diamonds to pearls and platinum to gold. Stay tuned…
LazyJ, we all love the funny, but not right away…you have to ease it in. Duh.
As for the Street Team…I’m sure we can combine that with GSA…first meeting at Hooters’ Happy Hour?
Michael, nope. But let me suggest you go have sex (with a woman) and then come back and read it again. That may help.
Cutting Edge, umm…thanks? As for using the word “loser”…I always ALWAYS prefer profanity.
Holy crap, You are good!
Thank God I met my wife relatively early on in life (aged 19); I’d be spectacularly shit at interpretting a stange - as in ‘unfamiliar’ - girls’ actions nowadays.
Love the post! I am always appreciative of what women think when I’m at the bar. I’ve obviously gotten it all wrong my entire life… bummer!