Stamped: February 27th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

I don't really feel like writing your horospokes™ today. I mean, I tried to get in the mood. I lit some incense, Windexed my crystal ball, and even stood outside in the friggin' freezing NY cold to look at the stars. In the end, all this only made me horny and I spent much of the evening masturbating with a Homedics heated back massager.

So, now I still don't want to write them and I'm tired. As you may have deduced, this means that you're probably screwed this week and I won't spend much time explaining the reasons why.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You're known for being generally perfect and everything, so I'm sure that you'll be fine this week. And if something comes up, just fucking deal with it instead of bitching, ok?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Uh, whatever. You're like the bull or something, which should mean that you're like strong or something. But I'm guessing it just means that you're full of shit.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You talk too much, flirt too much, and are entirely too into yourself. I hope someone kicks your ass this week, and that when you cry, no one cares.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Stop being so serious and family-oriented. We're not much more than some amoebas with (in some cases) slightly higher IQs. Go backpack in the fucking Adirondacks this week and see if your marital problems still make you sleepless at night.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Whatever. You're great, you get lots of attention. You will always have just as many people hating you as you have admirers.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You are suffering from OCD and need medication. You make other people's lives unbearable, you selfish, selfish asshole.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Uh, stop trying to make everything perfect. You're episodes are merely adding to the chaos around you, drama queen.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You totally remind me of a mix between that fat queen that got voted off American Idol and the two black twins that were kicked off for being felons. Take that as you may this week.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I really know nothing about you. You're forgettable. What's your name again? Eh, nevermind. No one cares.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You're full of yourself and overweight. Most people are only goint to be nice to you because they think you're powerful.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I think you drink too much and for this reason, you will feel alone, even when you are surrounded by "friends."

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Stop dreaming and whining and crying. Fucking do something about it, pansyass.

Any questions?
(Well, let me answer the obvious one. This is what happens when your astrologer has a personal breakdown and really cannot muster an ounce of interest in helping you live your life.)

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007