Stamped: March 6th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Well, your beloved Jenna got the shaft at the Oscars last night, but whatever. It's an honor just having been Photoshopped nominated, right? Sure. So, let's just skip the condolences and get right to your weekly horoscopes™, shall we?

Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you have a lot of planning to do this week, try not to get too carried away with perfection. Remember that your friends and family love you unconditionally. Typically, when you're upset and freaking over minor details, you're only doing it for your own reasons; it's not upsetting anyone else. Overall, this will be a fun week, so keep that smile on your face and enjoy yourself for crying out loud.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Things are feeling rocky for you, aren't they? You should try reaching out to those around you during these times. Not only is it going to help you vent, but it's also going to give them all the heads up about what you're going through. I mean, contrary to popular belief, I'm the only mind reader around here; and that's only when the weed is really good. So make sure you do a little extra talking this week. I swear it's good for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Are you seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet? I mean, you've been swimming in a pool of your own misery lately as everyone around you knows. Let's not compound the tragedy that is your life by failing to see that glimpse of some upswing. Because, no, it's not your hangover tricking your eyeballs; good things are actually here. But yeah, those sunglasses might help. You can go ahead and keep those on.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You're going to be in a good spot this week. You're feeling fair and balanced in a way that Fox News could never imagine. This sensation of comfort is something you're perpetually seeking, so make sure you take the time to enjoy it. I'd make some suggestions on how exactly to relax and take in the moment, but…I mean, what is it that you do anyway? Like, do you have a hobby or something. Those nights that you're MIA…are you at least with someone? Eh, nevermind. Some things are best left unsaid.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You are totally doing great this week, my young lions. Now, there's a major event that's coming up in the next few months, so try to keep your eyes on the prize. Little snags and other variants of shit are bound to happen along the way. In fact, if they don't then that is likely the time to worry, as you are probably overlooking something. And if that's the case, then, well–you're fucked and no one is going to feel too badly for you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Listen, your plate is full Virgo. Taking on another task will not only overwhelm you physically and emotionally, but it will also sabatoge the things you've currently got running smoothly. If you're looking to become more productive, try focusing your energies into that which is already in front of you. Try a little organization and reassessment before you take out that WonderWoman getup you've got in the closet. I'm pretty sure that turns you on more than him anyway.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Oh Libra. You are overly concerned with what others think about you. Of course, we all know how you like to keep everything placid, but seriously. You're borderline neurotic this week and you need to remember that this is your life. You simply cannot try to live it for anyone but yourself. This includes worrying about your parents' blood pressure and the psychological well being of your dog.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Life is incredibly exhausting, isn't it? This week, try to keep things in perspective. Hard rains are gonna fall, but you have been stuck in foul weather before and you know that, as much rain as there may be, it's never the end of the world. Well, I mean, except for that one time, you know with Moses and everything. But even then, there was like a boat or something. Just make friends with the bearded people just to be on the safe side.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, maybe you're a little bummed about something that just happened. You should try vocalizing these things once in a while. I mean, taking it out at the gym or plugging away at the computer when you stay late at work is not really curing anything. Though, you are looking quite buff, I must say. And I guess that commendation from the Big Guy wasn't so bad either. But even with these perks, you're still capable of going postal. Maybe sell the gun? Ebay is wonderful, I've heard…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Why do you keep calling girls just to tell them jokes that aren't funny?! Wait, sorry. Mixed signal. But seriously, Capricorn, there is an issue that has been weighing you down for a long time, and I see an end to it approaching. Even if it does take some time, it will come. That at least puts you ahead of those that are wandering the planet perpetually happy–too stupid to ever realize just how awful life really is.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You just got a kickstart to your puttering self-esteem and this means a few things. Let's list, k? 1. You have a poor record with, um, getting shit done. 2. You will likely fuck this one up, too. 3. When you finally realize the moment has passed, it'll be too late. 4. You will whine a lot. Don't you want to just skip over all that drama? C'mon. At least do it for those who have to be near you during all this unregulated melatonin fluctuation.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Listen, you're in the midst of some heavy shit. This week, just try to remember to breathe. Whatever you do, try to stay level-headed. You're going to be on the verge of overreacting to almost everything and everyone you encounter, including those people that won't take kindly to your blubbery breakdown. Remember what those annoying ladies at the grocery store always say: better days are coming.\

Here is where I was planning on transcripting my acceptance speech, but I don't think I can quite muster the strength. Feel free to share your plaudits, however.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007