Stamped: March 13th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Oh, my fragile friends. Are you here again, curious if maybe–just maybe–Jenna will be close enough to forecasting exactly what your life has in store that you can just turn on auto-pilot? Well, remember this is all just for fun. I'm getting a little concerned about all these legal documents that strange men are bringing to my door. I've hired a lawyer (Meme, you know enough to pass as one, right?) and I'm convinced that I can telepathically will my innocence. But you know, just to play it safe…um, I'm pulling all this shit out of my ass. Figuratively, that is. See the fine print at www.girlspoke.com/horospoke/lawsuit for more information.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, I need to warn you against distracting someone close to you. You're completely unaware, but this person is almost constantly thinking about you, all your issues, your relationship together, and various other things. As much as this is not your fault, it is actually kind of totally your fault. Or, at least that's what your friend will say if you don't ease off for just a bit. Avoiding this person altogether may seem unnatural, but I promise it will be beneficial to both of you. Good luck guessing which friend it is. If you fuck up, you'll have two enemies this week instead of one.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Lately, you've been doing a good job of juggling your own needs with those of someone close to you. Though it may not seem like you're doing a great job, your efforts are not going unnoticed in the least. Continue to be understanding, but make sure that your life and your issues remain a priority. Of course, you might want to tone down the drama and the hypertension. For that, I'd recommend less alcohol (seriously!) and more pornography. Oh, and I guess you could read some more. Playboy and Maxim have some excellent articles.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
What's going on with you lately? This week, I'm still getting the feeling that you're not fully being yourself. Your outgoing, self-centered persona is typically matched with a dedicated, relentless agenda for forward movement (benefitting yourself, of course). And while the chatty, obnoxious sentiment is still there, I don't see you accomplishing anything beyond a good buzz and some unhealthy overeating. Let's remember that you cannot maintain all that attention if you're blubbery and zit-faced. How's that for some motivation?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Ok Cancer…you get a lot of shit from your onlookers fairly regularly. Sure you're quirky. Maybe even eccentric. But the bottom line this week is that you always get your shit done. You're a person with ambition, and your dedication to both yourself and those you care about is astonishing. So, if you get confronted with some hostility this week, try to remember that you're totall better than that punk anyway. If things escalate, just give me a call. Of course, I may be in hiding, but if you promise to post my bail then I'll totally come out to throw down in your honor. (You should probably know that I have brown hair now. The blonde was too attention-grabbing for a girl in my condition.)

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Try to keep your temper in check this week. For some reason, I'm seeing a lot of red for you and nothing good has or will ever come of that. Of course, taming yourself in the heat of the moment is virtually impossible, so try to plan ahead. If you sense a fight brewing with a co-worker, remember that HE'S the one with the Garfield posters on his wall. Or maybe it's your lover? Reassure yourself with the knowledge of all those stories that you can easily leak to the Internet should you ever split. Child? Relative? You are so much smarter than them. Keep some MENSA trivia on hand and throw one at them. The resulting mental squirm will fill you with glee.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You're feeling especially lovey-dovey this week, which is cute and everything…but also really quite irritating. I mean, for you to get all emotional is generally a good thing since you're typically too serious and removed for your own good. However, you've got a tendency to swing to extremes. And you in lovey-dovey mode is so less tolerable than you in super anal OCD mode. I promise you will wrinkle some faces with your behavior if you don't keep those smoochy faces in check. No one needs to see that shit, dude.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You should probably know that people are talking about you this week. Well, honestly, they have been for quite some time, but now it's just getting to the point where it's so goddamned obvious that I need to spell it out for you before someone who's too kind to be truthful does it instead. It's great that you do your own thing. You care little about what others are saying or thinking and that is commendable. However, there are times in life when the general consensus should be given some thought. I mean, especially when it's like, unanimous. So just listen to your friends this week; they're speakin' volumes of knowledge.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I feel like you're still in a funk, Scorpio, even if you are shaking your head in disagreement. The truth is that you're in limbo and you'll continue to remain there if you don't face a simple fact. The truth is that you are not happy with yourself. Fine. Congratuations. Most people aren't–and those that are, probably shouldn't be. But you need to remember that your shortcomings do not define you. Somewhere along the way, you started to equate your faults with your entire existence. Um, that's just retarded. I mean, look at OJ, George W, the evil-looking Pope. If these people can walk around and live their lives, you should, too.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
People are going to doubt your sincerity this week, my Sag. To defend yourself, it will be helpful if you know where they're coming from. You have the kind of potential that most of us wish we had. The kind of potential that actually pulls a lazy ass off a couch and into action for some pipe dream. So when you say that you're not interested in all the recognition and glitter that accompanies personal or professional success, we're going to think you're lying through your perfectly white teeth. So if you need to make things happen this week, keep this in mind: everyone would like to think that they're better than you at all times.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A strength of yours is being totally sweet and adorable. I highly recommend you unearth this attribute before it shrivels up and dies. Perhaps it's been so long that you've forgotten that you're even capable of eliciting a few "awwww"s from your fans. Whatever the case may be, you need to bring back that magical charm. You've got so much of it and it's just laying to waste in your cynical quagmire of self-doubt. It's ok to be happy, you know. In fact, you have more to happy about than most, and your failure to see it is simply selfish, silly sally. (Sorry. I couldn't help it.)

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Ok, listen: we get it. You're super duper nice and swell and totally awesome. But you are too often ignorant to all those that are taking advantace of your kindness. Seeing everyone as a friend is not exactly admirable in this day and age, you know. In fact, some may even liken it to the most ridiculous and utterly unbelieveble thing ever. Let's just try out this thing where we're not automatically nice to everyone. By the end of the week, I guarantee that you'll have saved yourself from exactly 7 embarrassing social situations, 3 financial swindlers, and 18 transvestite prostitutes. Keep a pen and notebook handy to document your findings throughout our experiment.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
So, you've been overdosing on Grey's Anatomy and aromatherapy…so what? I mean, sure it's weird that you're a guy, but whatever; there are more important things. Namely, this week, it's that nagging feeling you get every time you see your reflection in the mirror. Everyone knows you're a bit intimidated by dramatic, sweeping changes, despite how much you may talk. But sometimes a change of scenery is essential. Unlike that time you went skinny dipping in February, you need to work yourself slowly into the dark waters. Jumping in headfirst will only lead to problems. And headaches, of course.

Read and conform at your own risk. I guarantee none of my horospokes to be effective or helpful to anyone, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, species, IQ level, or creed. Speaking of Creed, is anyone else in as much shock as I am that women actually sleep with people like Scott Stapp and Kid Rock? Jesus H.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
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• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007