Lo’s Weekly Rant
Stamped: March 16th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., cry for help.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's been an eternity since Meme's wonderful intro and I do apologize for delay but I had to see a man about a horse…..or some wine, can't recall which. Either way, I had to see a man, ok?
So now I present to you, "Lo's Weekly Rant". Basically this will be a weekly diatribe filled with vitriol, witticisms and occasionally just unadulterated condemnation.
Today on the chopping block are guys who constantly take the "Evolutionary Out". Okay. So I get it. You keep telling me, you won't STOP telling me. You're monkeys. You're blathering, dimwitted versions of women who follow their dicks around without much control over bodily functions or regard for social conventions. That's great. Really it is. But you know what, I'm sick of hearing about it. Every guy from my boyfriend to my boss is constantly trying to convince me that guys are ultimately not responsible for anything from infidelity to falling asleep right after sex. Every possible transgression that could possibly get them into a vat of hot boiling shit with their significant other is immediately chalked up to genetics and bio-psychology.
It may very well be that you feel compelled to spread your seed (god save us all) but if that's the case and you are nothing but a slave to your DNA…cool. We can handle that. But we're going to take the evolutionary out too. We're gonna sit at home and eat Godiva and bear children and you're going work your monkey ass to the bone to provide for us. Say good bye to all the independent, smart, self-sufficient women you're used to because we'll be smacking the kids around and reading Cosmo. Further, we're going to have to take it upon ourselves to deepen the genetic pool a bit. Just as you feel the need to propagate with any vagina that comes your way, we are charged with bearing not only children, but strong children. Which means that we get to sleep with as many men as we can to ensure that we've snagged some robust sperm. So really, I'm not sleeping around, I'm just trying to ensure my off-spring aren't born from pansy ass men with poor immune systems.
Nowadays, with the internet, TiVo and a bevy of sex toys at my disposal, I'm really okay with entertaining myself at home while you fulfill your evolutionary duty to provide for the flock. In fact, go for it honey. And on the way home, pick me up some diamonds because according to you, it's my evolutionary duty to remain attractive so you'll want to keep nailing me. And we all know I'm very worried about that.
Bottom line, boys. I know you're all a bunch of monkeys. I've seen enough ass scratching and drooling at the sight of my bra strap to know that much. The point is, like it or not, there are other factors that inform modern behavior for men AND women. Enough with the excuses, it's boring and unattractive and believe it or not I DO want to sleep with you, so enough with the buzz kill. Even if you're lying through your teeth and commitment scares the bag out of you, for the sake of your sex life (and more importantly ours) cease and desist from the evolutionary bullshit.
Love you dearly,
Lo
P.S. I wrote this post on the heels of a knock down drag out debate with a MAN over reproductive rights, so my anger may have been stoked. A little.
Last 5 posts by Lo
- Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
- To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
- Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
- Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
- Lo's Weekly Rant: I Call Bullshit. - October 5th, 2006
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— 29 February 2008 @ 3:14 am
Comments
I think I’m going to like you, Lo.
I would normally write a pithy response to this post but I’ve got a hard-on and can’t think straight.
Sorry.
Now this here is an excellent premise for a shaggarific PhD paper on 3-legged primates aka men.
Rock on!
Rock on, Lo. If I were the type of girl, I’d be yelling “preach on!” at my computer screen right now. But I’m not. Plus, I don’t want to get in trouble.
Paul? Gross.
Yeah Lo, that’s what I’m talking about, right for the urethra, er, jugular. The internet sure has changed things. You girls don’t believe that stuff anymore? You’ve been hanging around those feminist chat rooms, right? Time for us to find a new story. Or tell the truth. Wait, if I tell the truth…
jr
Explain to me please how giving you diamonds makes you more attractive to me. The only thing that comes to mind is nipple rings, and those need only be cheap scrap metal.
Wow, I love you, but only in the creepy-over-the-internet sort of way. It took 2 posts from Jenna for me to feel the same way about her.
Um, let’s not say anything regrettable, Albone.
hehe, I knew that would provoke a response.
Pauly D. - Ewww.
Geekette - I have always wanted to go back to school…that could be interesting.
Albone - Whoa man. You’re freakin me out. I think you meant to though.
Jenna - I scream at my computer all day, they can’t fire me because they’re scared of me.
John R - the truth’s a bitch, obviously.
Copyranter - I was talking about diamond studded nipple rings…duh.
Lynn - right back at ya.
Pauly, you’re like my bro, man…now I have a visual.
I don’t want a visual.
Way to go, Lo. For a second I thought I’d play devil’s advocate. I mean, there have got to be some kind-hearted male souls out there who fight the good fight against their genetic predisposition. But then I thought better of it because the bottom line is that no matter how “good” a guy is, the thought of being completely emasculated (i.e. letting his wife/gf bring home the bacon and follow her box around) is 100% unappealing. Unless, of course, he’s into S&M, which is a different story entirely. meowwww.
Whether or not primal instinct forces us fall asleep right after sex, or our own higher functioning brain allows us to choose to fall asleep right after sex, falling alseep right after sex is the best! No apologies!!
Jenna-I traded regret and pride for a bottle of jack and a case of beer a long time ago. I feel I came out ahead.
Lo-Just wait til I get going! What was I saying…?
I know feminism is supposed to be about the fight for equality and liberation for both males and females. But lately I find my self hating ALL men. I know I shouldn’t generalise but it seems almost every problem on this earth is a result of men’s desire for power, control and sex.
Every war throughout history was initiated by men. There are almost no women prime ministers or presidents, if there were I’m sure the majority of those pointless idiotic wars would not have occurred.
Rape, murder and sexual assault are almost exclusively perpetrated by men. For example, 94% of homicide offenders are male, 60% of femicides involve killings by an intimate partner. Not to mention the vast number of unreported domestic violence cases against women.
Almost every religion is riddled with sexist and misogynistic stories and ideals. Women hold no high ranking religious positions. All religious leaders are male; priests, shayks, rabbies etc. Why is god male, why would Eve be made from Adams rib?!!! Are women made from male scraps?!!! And lets not forget it was Eves fault for getting “mankind” evicted from the garden of Eden. Muslim women are forced to cover themselves simply because men can not control their sexual urges.
While on the other extreme, the western world objectifies women and uses their unrealistically skinny bodies to sell their products. WHY should a model be semi-naked to sell a hand bag or perfume?!!!
Even the English language itself is male-centric, why is it spelled MANkind or woMEN. Even day one of a marriage begins with submissive and disempowering language. E.g. wedding vows “love, honour and OBEY” …. I don’t think so!
Now once you’re married the men can sit around and relax while women rush around doing housework, while trying to maintain a career and family. Men argue that they work 40 or 50 hour weeks… well women are working 100 hour weeks while still only earning 70c of a male dollar and their work maintaining a household still remains unacknowledged.
Not only are women forced to bear the burden of childbirth, men want to control our right not to have children. For example in Australia the RU-486 drug which would allow more women access to safe and cheap birth control, but the government is opposed. Those who wish to have children have limited child care services and are forced to choose between careers and children.
If men are promiscuous or cheat it is just an acceptable part of there behaviour, they are simply biologically inclined to “spread their seed” (along with a couple of diseases, and unwanted pregnancies). On the other hand, if women have more than one partner she is labelled a whore or slut.
How can all this not make you hate men and the sick, selfish society they run?
Well im glad you get the point man rule the world and theres nothing you can do about.I have a penis so im better then you.HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA