Stamped: March 20th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dating hijinks, horospoke™, moods, neuroses.

*gasp*

Where is my horospoke?! What…wait…how am I going to make it through the week? Surely there's been a mistake…Jenna?!

Now, now. It's Oh-Kay, I promise. Things are changing around here, and sometimes change is oh-so-good. So yes, your horospoke is no longer going to come to you every week. Instead, you'll be planning your life based on my assanine assessments on a montly basis. It'll take a bit of juggling during this brief transition, but I assure you that you'll be alright.

In the meantime, I bring you some more of my precise translation services. Last time we unveiled the mystery behind a female's barroom behavior; this week we'll look at those odd comments she makes mid-conversation with you–her male friend or boyfriend. (And, really, just like men want to fuck all their female friends, women are thinking the same thing about their male friends, so let's just stop kidding ourselves on that front.) Generally, we all know that it's safe to assume that when a woman says something, she generally means the opposite. But that's not always accurate; typically it's a variant of the extreme.

Let's start with the telephone…

• Scenario #1

You're on the phone and ask her 'What's up?'
She responds with attitude, 'Uh, nothing.'

Translation: I can't believe you're asking me what the fuck is up at a time like this. You know exactly what's up you ignorant asshole. Do you think I'm one of your fucking guy friends? In other words, you missed the boat. You were supposed to start the conversation with a direct reference to something that was pressing in her world today, and, well, you didn't. This has made you a selfish asshole in a matter of seconds, and she's wondering why she's even dating such a prick in the first place. I suggest you scramble into apology mode. But do NOT make the mistake of not knowing what you're apologizing for. There's no makeup sex for that one, my friend.

• Scenario #2

You're about to end the conversation–you're saying your goodbyes.
She sighs audibly and says, 'fine.'

Translation: You're seriously thinking that this is an acceptable time to end this conversation? Can't you see that I'm sad and vulnerable? You clearly have not given her enough attention during this use of your daytime minutes. Quickly redeem yourself with lots of "love you"s and any other flattering comments that include the word "sorry," "time," and "baby."

• Scenario #3

You're kind of cranky and want to end the conversation prematurely.
She responds with what seems to be a sincere tone, 'Sorry to bother you.'

Translation: You are being a fucking dick. You have more fucking mood swings than a lady with PMS who's on the verge of menopause. Stop acting like a baby and grow the fuck up. I am not the proper recepticle for your shit storm of drama. Of course, in the end, I'll be totally understanding and forgiving if you even attempt a half-assed apology. Jerk.

Got that? Those three major scenarios should keep you covered for most of your telephone conversation mishaps. Now let's take a look at some face-to-face situations. As you're likely aware, these can be much more dangerous. Read on…

• Scenario #4

You are busy fixing something, puttering around the apartment, or maybe even reading the paper.
She asks out of the blue, 'Remember the first night we met?'

Translation: I could strip down right here in the middle of the kitchen and you'd still be focused on that stupid little thing that you're building/reading/jerking off to. Why the hell don't you pay attention to me anymore? You are getting too comfortable with her and she's reading it as disinterest or indifference–the two worst possible things in the universe for a relationship. In fact, she may be already thinking that you're about to break things off. She's going to launch into full bitch mode as a defense mechanism, or she'll start getting all psycho and clingy. Avoid this at all costs as it will be embarrassing for all parties involved. When she says this, the best thing you can do is grab her, hug her, and tell her you love her. She could probably use a good lay while you're at it.

• Scenario #5

You are teasing her, or possibly even being sincere, but you're pointing out one of her flaws.
She responds, either laughing or with eyes aflame, 'I hate you!'

Translation: Of course I don't hate you; I actually fucking love you. Right now, I need you to do one of two things. Either take me with fervor and fuck my brains out or revisit this topic with less accuracy next time. You see, you've hit the nail on the head with my shortcoming and I am not in the mood to deal with how much I suck. Be gentle or be ferocious. You got that?

• Scenario #6

You are having a serious conversation and the tone is not exactly positive.
She mumbles–or shouts–'whatever!'

Translation: You are not fucking listening to anything I'm saying! You are frustrating me beyond belief and do not understand where I am coming from. There is absolutely no need to continue this fucking conversation unless you are going to make any sense! And by "make any sense" she means that you should really just start kissing her ass if you'd like this to end at any point in the next several hours. Or if you'd like to be able to actually sleep in your own bed tonight.

Unfortunately, the worst part of all this is that, dispite the minor transgressions and mood swings of both parties involved, the girls inevitably put themselves in the position of having to apologize. Because, seriously, even though you are too tired to talk to me right now, my tantrum is so less desirable than your untimely yawning.

So, for the lot of us, please accept my sincerest apology.
(Which means this is the perfect time for you to do the same.)

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007