Stamped: March 27th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., cry for help, emergency, hot sex, lists.
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There's something that has only recently come to my attention, and ever since, it has quite simply consumed my brain. We–the sexy, horny, beautiful, sultry, hormonal, erotic women of the world–have no quality pornography to satiate us. It's true. Let's take a look at the numbers.
In the men's corner, we have…
Magazines
Playgirl
Penthouse
Hustler
FHM
Stuff
Maxim
Catalogues
Victoria's Secret
Fredrick's of Hollywood
The Stars
Pamela Anderson
Carmen Electra
Jenna Jameson
Linda Lovelace
Maybe it's not all quality, but at least there's a selection. At least there are some faces that match the caliber of the bodies. At least there is something substantial. I think we can say with confidence that the boys are set, right?
So, let's see what we've got in comparison…
Magazines
Playgirl. (Have you seen this magazine lately? There's nothing like a magazine that's about 15 pages in length and features flaccid penises dressed up to look like faces. Oh, and stolen celebrity images. And Enron men? Not hot. So not hot at all.)
umm…does Ink magazine count?
Body Building?
Ugh. This is depressing.
Catalogues
Hmm…how 'bout International Male? Yeah.
As if that should even count, I don't think there are any others.
The Stars
Ron Jeremy
Peter North
Various other curly-haired chubsters with moustaches.
Should I go on? I mean, do you really want that image?
So, girls of the Internet. This is a call to arms. Or, penises, perhaps. Are we simply going to sit back and attempt to be OK with such a measly selection of schlong? Shouldn't they at least attempt to match the face to the cock? I mean, I cannot–will not–take another Real Men! Amateurs Exposed! submission. Who in their right mind thinks that 59 year old. nudist, 198 pound Larry-from-Iowa is something that anyone wants to see?
Seriously, who? And more importantly, who, in turn, thought this person was a solid applicant for employment at Playgirl? And could you even imagine the backlash if that kind of stunt were pulled in Heffner's Headquarters?
We need to join hands in this, raise our buzzing vibrators, and let our voices be heard. We demand good porn!
Are you with me, ladies?
Last 5 posts by Jenna
Speaking of Porn…
Somewhere out there is a magazine full of emo boy porn, which would satisfy my fetish for obnoxiously brash glasses and man boobs if I could remember what it’s called.
Oh, like Cosmo and Glamour aren’t porn? Some of those articles read like Penthouse Forum. “I never thought this would happen to me…” They just happen to also include some fashion tips.
Hey- you forgot the Ambercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Although I guess that’s more gay porn isn’t it.
So, Keith…let’s swap positions…you’d be OK with your porn being all WORDS?! Yeah, that’s what I thought.
And yeah, most of our porn is gay porn, Betty. And I don’t like to share.
OF COURSE WOMEN HAVE PORN! They just call it something different. They call it “The View”. Or maybe “The Oxygen Network”.
Women love that sensitivity crap. It gets them hot. That’s why I pretend to care.
You forgot my favorite star: Stephanie Swift.
C’mon, Jenna — it’s not like there aren’t any articles in Maxim or FHM or Stuff…
ugh. TAB, that is exactly the kind of remark that is keeping us down!
and Smoove, my sincerest apologies.
Michael, don’t be shy.
Keith. Yeah, there are, and they’re actually really good. But so are boobies, right?
It’s a crying shame the lack of straight slongs on the interweb. I’m with ya Jenna. So, how do we go about this? Some type of strike? Burn our bras? Not show our tits until there is a decent porn site for us?
Yes, burn your bras. Just let me know when so I can send the FHM photographer around.
I’d be happy to show you mi….nevermind
:)