Stamped: March 28th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: unsolicited advice.

Dear Mona,

Last weekend, I got hammered and confessed to my best male friend that I have "feelings" for him in the cab on the way home. I know he's not interested and I honestly didn't think I was going to change his mind or anything. Luckily, he's been cool about it since it happened but I feel like a dildo. What should I do to minimize the amount of fall-out drama? I'm not normally like this, I swear.

Best,

Still Nauseous and Out of Saltines

Dear S.N.O.S,

You definitely wanted something out of it.

Before I can help you, you must disillusion yourself from thinking you didn't want the big drama that now surrounds your Ephron-esque confession. I'd say you were out of good "…and then I yakked in the water glass and handed it back to him" stories. People always say they've grown beyond the need for teary morning-after conversations to their girlfriends or excuses to eat the second calzone. They always say they prefer a life that's drama-free and look down on their friends who take up coffee house time with the whines of "so of course he's never going to call me back" and "I hope she can forgive me. I totally forgot they had been engaged."

Those people are always full of shit.

Everyone loves a little drama in their house. It keeps you sharp. You can either spend your Saturday night flying on to the sidewalk after being ejected from the club because you are too clouded to realize that the girl at the end of the bar did not steal your boyfriend in the 4th grade and even if she did, you shouldn't go throwing peanuts into her extensions…OR you can spend your evening on your couch, rearranging your Yankee Candle collection. Only one these activities gives you a story that will get funnier every time you tell it, connects new synapses in your brain, and gives you an excuse to buy new boots to replace the heel that snapped as you tried to right yourself without flashing your period panties. The other scenario gives you a headache from too much exposure to the smell of Prairie Home Country Land.

Clearly, we know where your social calender centers itself.

So accept your need for attention. It's a force powerful enough to make you give up a comfortable relationship in your life. You have to respect its power for it has now reduced your next few months to weirdness over standard behavior like eating dinner together or picking phantom pieces of lint off his sweater. He will continue to talk about his pathetic love life, not to punish you or make you jealous, but following the norm is the boy way of letting you know that nothing has changed between you two. You will start avoiding eye contact with him as a reflex. You might pull something in your neck from making jerk movements away from him. Stretch often.

At some point, probably while you're scrubbing the hidden flecks of vomit from your toilet grout, you will come to several conclusions about your life. For the sake of your emotional growth, I hope they are close to the following:

1) When you're ready to act like a big kid, then you can drink like one too.

2) Sex is simple. Booze makes it simpler. There's a reason why you haven't fucked your friend yet. And it probably has more to do with your knowledge of his personal proclivities than your personal swerve. We have crucial qualifiers that we use to complicate mating for a reason. Don't ignore your instincts.

3) How did you go 6 weeks without cleaning this up? That might be an indicator of a much larger problem.

If you have stupided your way into a tangled jungle of bullshit, you can seek rescue by sending an email to mona@girlspoke.com

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