Stamped: March 29th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, complaint dept., lists, rant.

I don’t drive. I guess I technically know how to drive since some sicko made up a law that you can’t get your high school diploma without passing driver’s ED. But I never actually got my licence. I have a bit of a “phobia” if you will (Let’s just say it’s hard to drive when every time you get behind the steering wheel you start balling like a little girl). So I am a very savvy public transportation expert. I also walk distances to get to grocery stores that my car toting friends wouldn’t dream of attempting, but that’s neither here nor there.

In my twenty-some odd years of being part of the public transportation horde, from buses in Chicago, to Subways in New York to ferry boats in Paris, I have amassed a large knowledge of public transportation etiquette.

I’ve decided to impart this information onto you, lest we meet on a crowded subway train, you unwittingly commit one of these faux pas and I then proceed to rip you a new asshole because of it. Which I’m sure is an out come we’d all like avoid.

Faux Pas #1 Wearing a real fur coat and then shoving the dead carcass all over me for the entire metro ride.

The worst thing about when this happened to me (May that nouveaux-riche French bitch die a gruesome death) was that the metro car wasn’t even crowded. We all had plenty of space, I was standing up, while holding one of the poles and this woman comes on, leans against my hand with this hideous fur coat. Now I’m not some lettuce wearing PETA nut, but I don’t like fur, and while I won’t pour red paint on a complete stranger, I don’t think I should be forced to touch dead animal when I’m trying to get home from work.

Which brings me to Faux Pas #2 Don’t hog the poles! If the subway/tube/metro what have you is crowded, causing an unpleasant sardine effect and forcing many to stand and hold onto one of the poles in the middle of the train you DO NOT lean against the pole as if you own it, as if you’re some cheap 2 buck stripper taking a break between sets. The last thing I want is my hand stuck in your back fat just because you’re a lazy greedy fuck.

And now for my Faux Pas #3. Guys, listen up because this one is for you. While sitting on the bus DO NOT spread your legs as wide as possible. Those plastic lines separating once seat from another are there for a reason. What are you guys trying to do with this one? Try to force me to sit cross-legged so you can catch a glimpse of more thigh? Are you trying to give off the impression that your dick is so big you have to “give my big boy some breathing room,”. Or perhaps you’re sitting spread eagle in the hopes that some big-breasted bimbo will mistake that metal rod in front of you as a strippers’ pole and proceed to give you a lap dance. Either way the only effect it is having on me is creating a strong desire to dig my nails into your crotch and throw your balls out the window.

Hope to see you on the 6!

Kisses,

Betty

Last 5 posts by Betty

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