Stamped: April 3rd, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Maybe it's the Spring weather, the Playboy Radio spots, or just my raging libido, but I cannot get sex off my brain. So, naturally, when I gazed into my crystal ball this month for your horospokes™, I saw lots of nakedness. Some of which, I might say, was very disturbing. Keep this in mind as you read over this month's destiny a-la Girlspoke. It may have ruined my day to see a flash of your flabby ass, but I'll try to help you make the best of it for what I shall now refer to as Showers of Sex April!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This warm, breezy weather has got you feeling alive again, but your partner may be bringing you down. This month, try to focus on yourself and leave him to mope and complain. Of course, you could also tell him that he's missing out on some sweet action; every time that breeze tickles your legs and lifts your skirt just a bit, you want to find your boy and sit on his, um, lap. But his loss, right? You can take care of yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Love is in the air, Taurus, and you need to let it fill your nostrils with its sweet, succulent scent. If you're feeling frustrated this month, try to let your close friends give you the lift you need. You may not feel like playing along, but it's going to be worth the ride. Or at least remember that hot piece of ass that is just waiting for your signal that it's a go. Everything else is temporary this month. You'll get through it with support and an open, um, mind.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You may think that you've smoothed things over with a friend or lover, but by the end of this month, you'll probably be right back where you were a few weeks ago. Logic is your closest companion this month; if things seem off-kilter, go with your gut instinct. Supressing your inclinations about someone close to you is only going to lead to tremendous drama–even if the sex is totally worth it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Cancer, you're going to feel the need to talk everything out this month, and I can't say that this is a good idea. Some issues are better left to work their own kinks through. Speaking of kinks, there are occassions (like this month) when words are better left unspoken and pants are better left unzipped. Bust out your sexy side this month and let it open your eyes to some more pressing matters.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
For the past few weeks, and even during the beginning of this month, you've been the best of friends for everyone that has needed you. Don't think that the fates have not noticed, even if your pals seem less than appreciative. I'm seeing good, big, yummy things for you this month, but it's hard to say exactly what will pop up. But you'll know when it has risen to present itself; I assure you that these things are pretty hard to miss.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
This month is all about you, you, you. In fact, it's been all about you for the past few weeks, hasn't it? Well, I'd expect this trend to carry you through this month. There's always a chance to screw things up, as you know, so make sure you keep your attitude in check. If you feel yourself starting to lose your cool, run to the bathroom and whip out your new iBuzz.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you're all about keeping things even on the playing field, let's take this mantra to the bedroom. Seriously, you need to stop making sure your partner is satisfied and start worrying about your satisfaction. And do you think anyone could possibly say no to you?! You're like the sweetest little thing on the planet! So start making your demands; I promise it will bring nothing but the best sex of your life.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Keep yourself busy this month. The thing with you is that you are happy, but when you're idle, your mind tricks you into thinking otherwise. So get a pen and some paper and make a list. That career move? Check. That girl/guy you've totally been fantasizing about? Check. So in between all the little projects you develop this month, make sure those two biggies get some action, too.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Put your best foot forward this month, Sag. You love the hunt and you know that the harder the conquest, the more valuable the prize. So scope him or her out this month without second-guessing whether or not you've got what it takes, because–let's face it–you know you've so got it. Just remember the rules about appropriate places to take it out for bragging rights.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You need to lighten up a bit this month, Capricorn. There are so many benefits that come from a lower stress level in your life. There's the lower blood pressure thing, the better sleeping habits, healthier skin–you know, the good stuff. Just remember those deep breaths. Oh, and the best perk? The more oxygen in your system during O Time just makes it that.much.better. Just breathe.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Finally, the dark dreary winter has left and your favorite time of year has come to awaken your senses! I know, it's totally invigorating, right? Make sure that, this month, you use all this excess energy and optimism to your advantage on the romantic playing field. When everyone else is blowing smoke up the opposite sex's ass, you can swoop in with your honesty charm and finally score. It has been a while, hasn't it?

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You've been going by an alias that is a not-so-subtle throwback to a classic porn star, but your name is as close to Christian-based as one can possibly get. Ok, so maybe that's just me. Either way, Pisces, your worlds will collide this month if you don't work out some sort of compromise. Keep all your shit on the table so there is no room for foul play. If you juggle properly, this could be one of the best months of your year. In other words, your libido isn't raging for no reason.

So, when you're feeling some rain falling on your world this month, just remember that it's going to bring you some sweet, sweet love. Or, it could be just fucking rain. In which case, don't forget to roll up your windows. Sitting on a wet seat that you didn't dampen is a terrible thing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find my boyfriend's penis.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007