Stamped: April 4th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: body parts, just plain stupid, rant.
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This article in the New York Times got me thinking a bit about beards (but we didn’t need them to tell us that a good man with a scruffy beard is impossible to resist), and a bit more about our less-romanticized facial topiary: the moustache.
More specifically: their rides. But I’ll get back to that later.
Aside from making any man into a seventh grade math teacher/creepy back alley rapist, the moustache holds a very special place in one of our most favorite cinematic genres: classic porn.
Can you spot the Porn Star Imposter?
This fail-safe frat boy Halloween costume continues to play a critical part in our personal education of who NOT to sleep with. Hint: If he’s dressed as a “pimp” or a “porn star” chances are he’s not going to give you what you need, assuming he isn’t too drunk to even perform. (Disclaimer: When I met my boyfriend he had a moustache, and no clothing on. Wheee, college.)
Most men in their 20s or 30s would never think to unironically rock the ‘stache. At some point dudes must get over this fear since there are is a good percentage of middle-aged men utilizing the look. For some reason, this seems fairly normal. Perhaps it’s at about the same time women begin to think it’s okay to wear mom jeans.
As an aside, a friend recently told me that her boyfriend has started commenting on her upper lip hair, referring to it as her “Mous” (rhymes with fuss). This, gentlemen readers, is a sure fire way to never, ever get laid. Your girlfriend does not have moustaches she has That Of Which We Do Not Speak. This isn’t rocket science.
Not all moustaches are red flags for self-consciousness, geometry or date rape, though. (Some are red flags for Regular Rape! I kid. Sort of.) I am talking about those brave men selflessly offering their services to women, day in, day out. For, if anything, mere pennies.
A Bargain, really.
I always assumed that the men offering this amusement park of sexual gratification were in some way chauvinist assholes. Erroneous! These men (or, I suppose, women, no judgment) are givers. They are not asking for anything in return sexually, they just want you, woman of any kind, to have a moment of pleasure.
So next time you see one of these champions, shake that man’s hand. And then take him up on his offer.
Last 5 posts by Molly
Where do I apply for the Moustache Ride Operator position?
Is one of those men seriously NOT a pornstar?
my boyfriend actually jested about growing a ’stache’, at the time I tried to hide my horror behind a cute little smile but after reading this I may have to reconsider the….ahem, benefits.
Yes, in fact, the man in the middle is wearing a costume (you can get your hands on one of these beauties here: http://www.creativeparties.co.uk/accessories.php?ID=11). Quite convincing, eh?
yuck yuck yuck.
I’ve never met a moustache I’ve liked. Even a guy that’s rockin’ a full goatee is creepy in my book.
Goatees are the worst. I don’t think they’ve ever worked. On anyone.
what about the the full on scruffy beard is that less creepy then a mustache and or goatee? Really i’d like to know, because i hate having a mustace without a beard.
In response to the women that think they should be cutting off a man that makes a comment about your stache…
You have a moustache and there is a guy that’s willing to lay down with you.. Maybe he should be doing the holding back. There are options ladies. If you think they look bad on us fellas, (which they do) think how we feel.
He had the courtesy to mention it, that takes guts.
Also, in response to goatees, unless you work in the mall, you probably shouldn’t wear one. When I see someone with one at my office it makes me ill.
There are ways to bring up the girlstache that are not saying “Your Mous is so obvious in this light, honey!” Like perhaps an anonymous email. Or, say, pointing out the ’stache of a movie star or super model.
The last thing you, as the boyfriend, want is to be the one who tells her about it. Chances are, she knows, and is either protesting something or planning her defeat. You do not want your face to be associated with it in any way.
“girlstache”, I like that.
I agree with that.. Maybe there’s a way to go about it. Maybe offer her to borrow your moustache comb (she may question why you have it). Or ask if she’s planning on dressing up like Gene Shallot for halloween.
I guess that’s what her good girlfriends should be telling her.
First of all I did reveal to my girlfriend that she had a “mous” but I did do it in a correct manner. I believe as I stroked her upper lip I said “Hey! That is quite the mous you are growing there.” Honesty is the foundation of our relationship. She would have done the same thing for me. I love you honey!
well, my god, who wouldn’t kill for a mustache ride on Colin Ferrell?
Seriously where are these mustache ride humanitarian feebies any way? Contact me.
Forgive the spelling. I’m completely plastered and horny.
Oh my god-i’m hiring for the mustache ride operator position. Apply here.
Drunk girl.
Fantastic piece of writing Molly. You may really enjoy this: http://www.stainandcake.com/shortfilms/hideyourstache.html