Lo’s Weekly Rant
Stamped: April 6th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, cell phones, complaint dept., just plain stupid.
For the second week in a row the men in my life have failed to provoke my ire so this week I resort to one of my favorite things….
Random Hatred.
The fact that I will most likely alienate half of our beloved audience with my personal ravings gets me, in a manner of speaking, totally hot.
First rule of fight club. No Gold Lame purses.
The fact that I can’t find the little accent on the keyboard doesn’t bother me at all because they are, in fact, lame. Lame being a gross understatement. I saw three, count them THREE, just in the effing elevator today and it completely put me over the edge and sent me into rage blackouts. So, I get the whole trendy thing. Everyone likes to belong and conform and all that bullshit but really girls? Have some self-respect. Those things are just damn ugly. Even Mary-Kate bag-lady Olsen stopped toting her over-sized metallic monstrosity around months ago. Unless you have a naked Brad Pitt in there and you’re using the shiny gold to deflect attention from your secret stash of hot sex, there’s no fucking excuse. Whenever I go to the Marina neighborhood in San Francisco (i.e. meat market anorexic hell) I am overcome by the fact you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting an emaciated blonde and her gold lame purse. It’s one thing to sink into the masses and buy every stupid thing marketed to empty headed consumers, but it’s really quite another to carry around an eye sore. Really it’s my aesthetic purity that’s offended. Promise.
Next. Pink Motorola Razrs
Awful. Just fucking awful. As if the fact that it’s a piece of shit excuse for a phone and an overblown status symbol weren’t enough, you had to make it PINK! Now I happen to like pink in small well measured doses but this is just abhorrent. The marketing fuckwits at Motorola couldn’t BE more condescending if they tried. The fact that women are wholly ignored as consumers of technology in and of itself is bad enough but to stoop so low as to think all you have to do is make something PINK and we will buy it makes me want to throw things at the nearest person with an appendage between their legs. You know what’s even more appalling? THE WOMEN WHO BUY THEM. Pink. Jesus.
Now this one’s gonna send me straight to hell on the express train. But…Those god damn bracelets.
It started out with the “Live Strong” yellow theme and then went apeshit from there. Every charity from the Glaucoma Institute to Nymphomaniacs Anonymous has their hand in the cookie jar. Let me preface this with the fact that I’m not denigrating the charities who sell these, I’m all for philanthropy and shit but do you really have to wear them people? I have myself been known to buy a few of these (I’m a good person I swear), but under no circumstances would I ever WEAR one. It’s right up there with wearing those damn ribbons. For most people, I can’t help but feel like it’s unabashed self-promotion. Call me a cynical bitch but it’s like, look at me, I have a cause. I’m sensitive and giving and pure of heart. Please. You wear it cause it makes you feel good and you have one more thing to talk about. Plus, it doesn’t go well with your alligator skin stilettos. Oh, don’t look at me like I just stomped on a kitten.
Last but not least. Over-sized golf umbrellas.
You’re not Mary-goddamn-Poppins, you don’t need it for flight, and you’re certainly not on the golf course when you walk down the street of the financial district leaving dead bodies and poked out eyes in your wake. Since it’s been raining in San Francisco for practically all of 2006 I’m a little sensitive to this particular selfish act. Unless you weigh 350 pounds and are a line backer for the Broncos I doubt you need that much coverage. This is my dance space – this is your dance space. Get a clue assface.
Now that I’ve sufficiently slaughtered the golden calves of the western world I hope you enjoyed today’s diatribe. You can send me hate mail if you want but it only fuels the fire, I promise you that. And if I see you with a gold lame purse, rest assured I’ll take it from you and use it to hit you. Unless of course Brad Pitt is hiding in there, in which case I’ll just steal it and start quaking with delight.
Last 5 posts by Lo
- Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
- To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
- Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
- Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
- Lo's Weekly Rant: I Call Bullshit. - October 5th, 2006
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— 9 February 2008 @ 11:02 am
Comments
I’ve got a motorloa V3 and ur right they are a crap excuse for a phone but work makes me carry it around and my biggest hate in the world are those goddamn wristbands
I must agree with all of the above Lo, although we rarely see gold lame bags down here at the beach. I will add to the list, underpowered scooters that cannot reach the posted speed limit on the road on which they are rented. The only corridor that we use. So, one is stuck behind a gaggle of springbreakers or middle aged women looking everywhere except where they should. There will be death on the road before the end of summer. Your using the word abhorrent makes me hot for some reason…
jr
Hilarious! I personally absolutely detest those damn half-assed poor excuses of sweaters that have been around for way too long now. You know… those “half-sweaters” that end (for some god awful reason) right in the middle of your torso. Those who choose to wear these abominations are being fooled, they do not look “cute”, and if you think about it… the designers are just saving on material… ugh.
I agree with Ritaliana. Unless you’re built like a stick, the sweater only serves to emphasise your belly. And I also concurr on the topic of gold lame purses. Only I don’t think we should limit it to gold- get rid of all of the silver and purple and red and what-the-fuck else purses too.
its official….i want to have your babies….fucking brilliant and hilarious as usual….i love me some lo….
Orange is sooo the new pink!
I have to say I feel so much better since I got that whole gold lame thing off my mind…that shit has been bugging me for MONTHS! glad you guys agree, you are officially invited to live in Lo-World where there are free drinks, scantily clad people, and none of the aforementioned blights upon humanity.
Scorpy - I’m glad you feel me on the bracelets…they have one that says “wannabe” and while slightly amusing, still isn’t helping the epidemic
JR - My “hypothetical” solution (that’s what the lawyers tell me to say) is renting said motor scooter and drive on the boardwalk mowing people down.
Ritiliana- I agree and why is it that the only people who wear them are the ones who really shouldn’t…not. flattering.
Bethi - You’re right, Metallic = Heinous. It’s a fundamental principle people.
Kimana - Oh, stop! you’re too kind, really I don’t……actually it’s fine, keep going.
lazy j - that’s what they keep telling me but I dunno….I come from a place where the only people who wear Orange are hunters and it is for a very specific purpose. bad connotations. bambi and such.
um, does this Nymphomaniacs Anonymous have a website…you know, for a friend of mine
Ohhhhh Looooo. I’m smitten, bitten, and not at all shy. If you were a lesbian and I was a hot chick I’d have to do you, and then fix something in your apartment. I laughed my ass off even though I love my pink Razr. You make the Daily Show look like Katie Curic. I print off your blog, put it in my food dehydrator, grind it into tea, and drink it to cure all my ailments. Where did you come from? I love it.
P.S. I’m a little sensitive to Mary Poppins. I had a professional painter come in and paint a portrait of me in a pettycoat with my parrot umbrella, (not to mention I have a fantasy of George Banks punching out my hat and tearing up my carnation… while I Bank-off).
My complete adoration is yours.
Not to divide the Girlspoke team, But Jenna definatly has a Pink Razr……. And she loves it.
Jenna, say it ain’t so…On second thought, don’t tell me. If it’s true we might have to mud wrestle and we both know that would just be too much hotness for anyone to handle.
I hate those god damn phones their crap.I dont like th braclets or the handbags they are just plain stupid!!
DITTO on the pink phones; the f**k’s that about? It’s as bad as the silly idea of the fugly volvo/saab(?) car at last year’s auto show supposedly designed by “female designers” for women…
Meanwhile Lo, are you gonna marry Joser or what? That kinda adoration doesn’t grow on trees y’know! From written word to tea? That’s some tight prose!
My mother has a pink mobile phone — a Siemens Poppy I think it’s called. Pink, with a poppy on the front, because women like pink, and women like flowers. Not only that, but if you press a certain button, it turns the LCD display into a mirror so pretty women who like pink (and poppies) can apply their pink lipstick via device which so cleverly expresses everything they are all about.
A man bought it for her, obviously.
I do NOT have a pink phone! (But I definitely wanted one for a while, I must admit.) As for the mud wrestling…no one would love that more than James himself.
edit: ahem. ok. so maybe i now possess a pink phone (thanks to my sexy boy…he obviously wants to see some girly mud wrestling, Lo…let me know what your schedule looks like…), but i swear on my pinkness that i don’t own a single gold LAME bag, nor to i believe in toting obnoxiously large umbrellas.
Oh JENNA! damn. now we WILL have to mud wrestle. well, at least you have a new bathing suit….
oh, and Geekette - I’m so marrying Joser…as soon as he stops prancing around in petticoats.