Stamped: April 10th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: body parts, complaint dept., lists, neuroses.

The impending summertime months–and even more forboding, Spring Break–is enough to make most women vomit and most men skip with glee.

The diferential is nothing new. For women, summer means bathing suit shopping (read: self-loathing and brief, but unsuccessful, bouts of anorexia), regular waxing (it's so much more traumatic than just the pain, fellas), daily leg and armpit shaving, the oh-so-delicate line between pasty-white and fake-and-baked orange legs, arms, and faces, and the fresh blisters that accompany the seasonal break-in of all your warm-weather footwear. For men, quite simply, it's more skin: more cleavage, more sexy arms, more legs, more midriffs, more toes (if you're into that kind of thing), and more ease in imagining a stranger naked.

Yesterday, I went to the store and came home with a bathing suit. That accomplishment alone is enough to make me feel like a success for the entire month of April.

Why? Let's review the day's events…

3:00 PM: Jenna arrives at the store to purchase a birthday gift. You cannot go to the store with the sole intention of buying a bathing suit. This leads to excess pressure and a higher likelihood of crying in public.

3:30: The gift has been selected and tossed in the cart. Jenna makes her way to the swimwear section "just to see what they've got."

3:42: Jenna has tossed at least 8 bathing suits into her cart, one of which was wrestled from a woman that obviously was too ugly for the beach anyway.

3:48: Jenna's karma slaps her and she winces noticeably at the sight of a 40-something woman looking at suits that are about 2 sizes smaller than her.

3:48:27: Jenna reminds herself that she is the kind of girl that said woman's husband would commit adultery for.

3:48:32: Jenna sighs, smiles (so what? shopping makes her a little horny…is that a crime?), tosses about 3 more suits into the basket, and heads to the fitting room.

3:50 : Jenna convinces the fitting room attendant to let her break the "No More than 6 Items" rule by reasoning that no woman in her right mind would want to steal something that could very well destroy the last year's worth of therapy sessions. We respect the power of the swim suit far too much to pilfer it.

3:54 : After the first suit, Jenna is almost in tears. Already. How is it that this size 8 is making her look like she's squeezing into a size 4?! She's been at the gym, for fuck's sake! She hasn't been drinking any beer! And how the fuck am I supposed to even feign my sex appeal when I am wearing my underwear and bra underneath this child-sized thing?! Jenna begins to sweat and tremble.

3:55 : Jenna spies the "This Fitting Room is Monitored by Female Associates with Closed-Circut TV" sign and decides not to rip the pudgifying thing off her body. She does, however, flip the ceiling (and any hidden cameras) the finger.

3:58 : Jenna gives up on the idea of wearing a two-piece this summer. She's only 27 and feels like she must hide her nonexistant stretch-marks and muffin tops. She sheds a single tear upon hearing the phrase "muffin top" slip through her lips.

4:01: Jenna tries on this suit, actually feels sultry in it, and almost wells up again, but this time with relief. One mild feeling of acceptance for a suit is grounds for an immediate purchase.

A test of my will, spirit, body fat ratio, and prescription drug medication, this bathing suit challenge left me scathed, but not broken. I will live through another season.

Of course, like last year, I'll probably never even make it to the beach.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007