Molly No Children
Stamped: April 12th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: children, rant.
As I sit here, trying to figure out what to write about for you folks, I am watching the Sex and the City episode where Miranda almost has an abortion, but doesn’t, and Charlotte is trying to have a baby, but can’t. My first thought is: Why the fuck am I watching this drivel? Ick. Blech. I can’t believe I am too lazy to find the remote to change the channel.
My second thought: Wow, I despise children almost as much as I despise myself for watching this right now. That’s it. I am 23 and I really, really don’t want children.
Up until recently, say upon graduation from college, I felt like I was surrounded by young women who felt similarly. Now, I’ll be stumbling down the street on a Sunday morning, still drunk from the night before, there will be some sort of snotty-blubbering child walking by, and I will hear the words slip out of a friend’s mouth “Ooohhh, I want one.” Talk about sobering.
First, I feel utterly no need to create some sort blend of myself and my partner just to see what it looks like. Guaranteed, your partner was a hell of a lot more annoying when he/she was in diapers. Look at pictures—you’ll get the idea without the defecation. And talk about narcissism, people. As if this world doesn’t have enough of a population problem, you need to make sure there’s enough room for one more little miniature you to follow you around?
Shoot me. Better yet, shoot both of them.
Also, babies and children are dumb. Most of my interactions with children, even when I am trying to be sweet (or whatever you are supposed to do with those things) go something like this:
Child: I learned my colors!
Me: So what color is that grass?
Child: Shoe!
Me; What the hell? Kid, that’s not even a color.
Even those TV Shows and books like “My Kid’s Unintentional Wisdom is So Precious You Just Must Listen!!!” make me sick. You want something smart? Read a real work of Philosophy; if you think your 5-year-old is wise, that shit will blow your mind.
I never was a very good babysitter.
I assume I don’t even need to go into crying, bodily functions, or the possibility that the child may grow up and commit a school shooting.
Maybe my Biological Clock, or as I call it, my terrifying and hopefully nonexistent hormonal process, has yet to kick in. Fine, I admit that I love puppies to the point of obsession, but at least there are variances between puppies; babies all look almost exactly the same.
Sigh, I guess it’s just a matter of time until I become some sort of walking, talking fallopian tube. Until then, please don’t bring your child anywhere near me.
Last 5 posts by Molly
- Free Moustache Rides! - April 4th, 2006
At best, children should be completely ignored.
Please email me your phone number.
I’ve been getting really pissed at other people’s kids lately, but every now and then, I see a good one (and not Children of the Corn creepy good) and think, “Maybe it’s okay to have kids.”
Then I look at the rest of the people on this planet…. and I think of how I feel to be among them.
Having kids would be so cruel.
I love when I come across an entry that I agree with 2,000%. I just hate the reaction I get from people when I tell them I’m not interested in having kids. Like I’m the one that’s mistaken or something.
I love my daughter even with her snotty-nosed, crying, getting into everything, peeing on me self. I work with children everyday, and frankly, 90% are assholes. (Can I call kids assholes?) They’re loud, rude, know-it-alls, germy, stinky (especially toddlers and pubescent boys), foul, cursing, brats. Their parents? Not much better, just taller.
I have been a parent for awhile now and I love mine dearly. It was not about some narcissitic desire to see myself in a little one, but the love for fatherhood bestowed on me by my own father when I was younger. The excitement of sharing the good things of the world with someone and teaching them how to live. However I maintain a very un-popluar feeling around my circles which is: I almost despise EVERYONE ELSE’S kids. Mine rule, the rest are just as she described, stupid and generally boring. Sure I selfishly want to share about mine, but then am forced to listen to other parents regale us with the same stories. Anyway, this has given me a newfound understanding that while I derive much pleasure in the things my children do, others are usually just as bored in hearing about them as I am hearing about theirs.
Yet I ask, isn’t that how we relate as human beings? I guess I’m just more interested in what the adult has to offer.
I am SO with you on this.
I felt exactly like you feel now, back when I was in my 20s. I’m 39 now, and I still feel the same. So much so that I encouraged my hubby to get his stuff snipped and tied.
Thing I always wonder is, how can I dislike the thought of having children but LOVE where they come from SO MUCH?
8-)
just want to say, you’re awesome! seriosuly, i’m also 23 and thought i was one of the only ones who hated kids that much. annnd i also share the crazy obsession with puppies. weird. thanks for writing that!