Stamped: April 14th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, cry for help, dress up, friends and losers, just plain stupid.
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I am the best thing to happen to womanhood. I am the New Urban Woman. I reject all female identifications that came before me. I am an original.
Look at me and all my urban hotness.
I am an Associate Marketing Manager at a big firm. I probably get paid less than men in the same position and I bitch about it with my girlfriends at happy hour. I rent a one bedroom on the Upper West Side and I can't afford it. But to be honest I'd rather be hot than paid.
Cause when you're hot you get everything. Like when I go out with my less than attractive friends to bars in the East Village, the guys always buy me drinks and I make them buy my unfortunate friends drinks too. By the end of the night my oversized purse is filled numbers scrawled inside matchbooks.
I tell everyone I hate Sex and the City, "so cliche and moronic, really quite devestating to womankind." I have all the episodes on my Tivo. I watch them when I'm alone and cry, "I'm totally a Charlotte…no, I'm Carrie…I wish I were more like Samantha."
I'm in my 30s and I haven't had a serious relationship since I was in High School. But I've read every Dan Brown book and breathed a sigh of relief when the copyright infringement trial went in his favor. And I read the New Yorker, well I don't so much read it as I hold it up in front of me on the subway. Also, FYI, I don't eat, only when other people are around and even then…
I've had 14 one night stands. They weren't supposed to be only one night. But I think they were scared by the intense emotions they were feeling for me and couldn't handle it because ultimately men are all emotionally retarded.
I LOVE me!
Tonight I'm meeting up with all my pretty friends. So I will make sure to go spend a ton of money on a new outfit that will make them coo as they wear their last season crap. They will feel self-conscience and take turns getting trashed and talk about me when I go to the bathroom.
I'm going to carry the latest issue of the Economist in my big purse and let it fall out when the hot stock broker buys me a drink. Or Mother Jones in case the sexy art-teest comes in with his entourage. And I've always got a David Sedaris book handy for the locals.
When the night draws to a close (and all my "friends" are passed out in the corner) I will pull out my final weapon. I will talk badly about every other woman in the room. You'll think I'm so funny, witty, insightful, smart and clever; like no woman you've ever met before, I am. We'll laugh ourselves into each others arms…beds. Because I am like no other woman out there.
I AM the New Urban Woman.
Last 5 posts by girlspoke staff
The New Urban Woman (NUW)
Pingback by *girlspoke…this is no joke*
— 18 April 2006 @ 9:30 am
Comments
There is an intelligent one line joke to be made here about how a NUW is the equivalent of some wanna be high class poser slut. However, I am not smart enough to make it, so hopefully someone else comes up w/ it, cause it would be funny.
You know, I think I’ve met you NUW. I wasn’t impressed then either.
Didn’t the NUW date the striped shirt guy for a while? What happened with that?
One presumes that, as Stephanie Klein’s publication date gets closer, this kind of judgemental crap will become more evident.
The game is the game, I suppose. Then again, so are thermonuclear wargames. Everyone wins. No one wins.
The game is the game, I suppose. Then again, so are thermonuclear wargames. Everyone wins. No one wins. Still, it sure is fun to push the buttons.
It’s a good thing that Simboobs and The Deacon are watching out for Stephanie Klein. Lord knows that girlspoke is obsessed with her, and we’re totally fixated on button pushing.
Oh, her and David Sedaris. I’d like to thermonuclear-ate his ass. (That’s a bad thing.)
Did we actually do such a good job on this piece that we actually pissed people off? That’s awesome!
Angry people are funny, they make me laugh. You ask me, there’s not enough angry people in this world.
Rock on.
Wow, do you guys live in Atlanta? You just described every woman in this sorry excuse for a city.
Well duh, Jenna. The obsession was kinda obvious after A Tale of Two Sisters. If you can’t get the punters with good writing, simply parody a successful blogger who can. A shame it dwindled and now you’re dragging anybody in to uh, “hate that handbag” or uh, talk about sex and dildos. How far past puberty are you for christ’s sakes? And Meme dearest, nobody is angry. Sorry. My mistake. Yes, of course they are. *They* wrote the above article didn’t they, Meme?
To say your words are transparent is an insult to panes of glass everywhere. There is no membrane; just a tremendous gust of wind. A disturbing wind because the gush gives an indication of what pushes *your* buttons, and the kind of person that makes you feel (lets face it) so little, under-developed, and completely out of place in a city like New York.
You don’t like mean comments? You feel they should be deleted? You don’t think people should be mean online if they wouldn’t be as mean to your face? Well you should’ve thought about that before A Tale of Two Sisters, girlfriend. You kicked the ball first. It’s time you accepted your own-goals with more grace.
Huh? Get your facts straight. Go after the right person, k?
Mean comments rock! We don’t get enough of them. Keep ‘em coming.
haha. uh, yeah. we’re not behind that site, dude. but RONK ON! HIGH FIVE! i’m sure SK will give you an A for your efforts!
Who are Stephane Klein and David Sederis?
(I’m sure there is something funny being said here, but I think some of us need to know who you’re talking about)
Huh? Me, obsessed? Noooo…I’m too busy styling my cliched narcissism to care about such trivialities!
Okay, more like I’m bored out of my mind dwelling on the other side of the globe. Write more!
pretty funny
Let me know who loves the D!