Lo’s Weekly Rant
Stamped: April 20th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., just plain stupid.
Contrary to the distinct impression I give from most (okay, all) of my posts, I’m actually a really nice person. No, seriously, I mean it. I smile, I’m polite, I help old people across the street, I pet kittens. All that shit. So, considering I make a point to always be friendly and accommodating, it really fucking chaps my ass when people are assholes for no good reason.
Allow me to be more specific. Since I have quite a few friends who are total hotties, I have noticed a disturbing little phenomenon amongst men that I like to call,
“Scarred by a Cheerleader Syndrome”
It’s sister syndromes are “Fat kid Syndrome” and everyone's favorite, the “Napoleon Complex”.
“Scarred by a Cheerleader Syndrome" generally goes a little something like this. A man, not necessarily an unattractive man, but a man nonetheless, finds himself in a minor position of power like manager of a ski rental shop, or a bank teller. A hot girl will generally approach said man for a service of some sort that she requires (get your mind out of the gutter). Suddenly drunk with power the man will take it upon himself to be a complete unrelenting dickwad, for no apparent reason. Rude, condescending and generally unpleasant, the man confuses the girl because she really hasn’t done anything but smile pretty and ask what length skis she should rent. Sneeringly, he’ll treat her like shit and leave her with an unshakable sense of injustice when she sees him service another customer with pleasantries and a sunshiney demeanor. In fact, more likely than not he was probably falling all over himself to help the girl in front of you who looks like she just took a nose dive off the ugly tree and hit every fucking branch. Bless her heart.
After the first couple of times this happened, emerging from my rage blackout, I realized the source of the injustice. These are generally guys who are moderately attractive, however, you can tell that in high school they were total dorks. Nothing wrong with that. I dig dorks, I do. However, I DON’T dig dorks dripping with insecurity that take their high school trauma out on me when we are both well into adulthood. I’m really sorry that the captain of the cheerleading squad refused to lift up her skirt for you and embarrassed you in the lunch room. Really, I am. It’s not your fault you had raging acne and a lisp, she’s a total bitch faced whore. I get it.
But you know what? We all went through the publicly funded nightmare called high school and I’m sorry but NOBODY got out of that shit show without some battle scars. Maybe you deserve the fucking Purple Heart but honestly? I don’t care. I’m twenty- god- damn- five and you’re probably thirty so get over your stupid shit and be civil.
I got smacked upside the head with this bullshit on Saturday and I was livid. I was wine tasting in Sonoma (I know you hate me already but fuck off my parents were in town) and the guy who was “pouring” the wine was a total unmitigated prick. Completely uncalled for. I won’t go into the dialogue or specifics because I’ll start convulsing with anger and spill my beer, but needless to say I was a little buzzed and quite jolly so the animosity seething from his pores was completely unprovoked. My mother had to drag me out of the shop so I wouldn’t grab him by the tie and shove his little puny head into the spit bucket.
Nothing pisses me off more than people who can’t control their own bullshit and instead choose to spew it onto others. That goes double for people in bad moods, people who’ve “had a bad day” and a whole host of other excuses. You can be a pissy little bitch with a napoleon complex all you want, go crawl under your rock and keep it to your god damn self. Momma needs a drink and she ain’t got time for your silly ass.
So word to the wise for all of those past dorks out there with baggage - you might equate all women who are attractive with women who make your life hell, but maybe, just maybe, if you weren’t such an asshole I WOULD sleep with you.
Love you dearly,
Lo
Last 5 posts by Lo
- Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
- To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
- Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
- Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
- Lo's Weekly Rant: I Call Bullshit. - October 5th, 2006
What a great piece! “Momma needs a drink and she ain’t got time for your silly ass,” is genius. Sonoma-wine-pourer-guy is weak as hell. I also loved the trip back down memory lane about High School. Lo, I’d follow you into any wine tasting event.
As a sommelier for my own bar Lo, (which is located above my parents garage) I find that demanding emotional costs of providing increasingly interesting and superiour wines are extreme. I know, that like me, your wine man in Sonoma was likely worn out by tedious tasks and a plethora of knowledge to retain, like where where my reserve Carlo Rossi grown? Is the whole gallon a single vintage? and what was the terroir like in 2005?
Also likely was he was sore from a night a anonymous gay sex, that provided him with some serious soreness issues, and when seeing a beautiful woman such as you (and your mom, wink wink) he was angry because he was realizing that maybe all the sex with men and wine hoity-toityness was a clear signal he was in fact, a total mo, and would never grab your boobs. Can you blame the guy for being a little down?
Well, to my observation sometimes it’s also the woman’s fault who is (unknowingly?) tilting her head to the side (very annoying “little helpless girl” tactic) or pushing her breasts out (well, a less annoying tactic) or is using some other well recognizable fake flirting tactics in order to get what she wants before anyone else - and that is what leads to this kind of cheerleader syndrome. And a bad treatment for the woman after her.
(I’m sitting/standing behind some sort of desk/counter as Lo approaches)
ME: Good Morning Ms. Lo, how may I be of service?
LO: (Makes some request)
ME: No problem. Let me get that for you.
LO: Thank you.
ME: You’re welcome. Have a nice day!
LO: You too.
(Lo walks away. Stops, turns around and comes running back leaping over the desk/counter and attacks me as she rips my clothes from my body!)
Something sort of like that?
My baggage was lost by the airlines. But I was still a dork in high school. Wanna make out?
i don’t get why people act like that. i was a stoner in HS and am now geek. but, pleasant to all hotties/non hotties(if maybe a little intimidated) for hope of getting in said cheerleader’s, now wine drinking blogger’s pants. let me know when girlspoke is on the southeast tour,
jr
hahaha! I love you, Lo.
That’s right up there with the “You Look Like My Mother Who Used to Beat the Crap Out of Me” Complex…I get that ALL the time.
Albone- glad you feel me, I’ll let you know when the next wine tasting event is and we can beat the shit out of some unsuspecting dude together…
Joser, when you put it like that….I guess I can understand. And you’re right, my mom is totally smokin’
Jan, I assure you I wasn’t acting coy and sticking my breasts out with my parents around, nice try though.
Lazy J - Totally.
Keith, when the airlines lose your luggage don’t you already receive an obligatory makeout session with a hot “flight attendant”?
John R, tour dates will be forthcoming, as soon as our cheerleading uniforms are ready.
Jenna - dude, you KNOW this has happened to your hot ass before… am I right or am I right?
Meme- thanks for the correction, I totally spaced on that one, it is also part of the family of ridiculous guy bullshit, you’re right.
don’t need nothing more than “amen”. s’all I’m sayin’.
Word.