Lo’s Weekly Rant
Stamped: April 27th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., just plain stupid.
This week has sucked. This week has sucked more than Britney Spears parenting skills. I don’t really know why, but it’s just been a fun little conglomeration of petty annoyances that have served to collectively piss me off. I like it much better when I have a unilateral enemy such as insecure post-high school geeks or gold lame bags. Alas, we can’t always get what we want. So because I have no clear enemy I’m going to share with you, my shit-list of the week. Just be glad you’re not on it. Or are you?
1). Summer Ale – It’s smooth, it’s golden, it’s refreshing, it goes magnificently with a beach chair and a hot little bikini, and most importantly it’s our good friend the beer company’s way of telling us that it is…yes. Summer. But wait. What’s that? NO. Guess what. If you live in San Francisco, summer equals a high of 60 degrees and a bank of fog that rolls in at about 2pm everyday. Sorry bitches, no summer for you. So as you can see I’m more than a little irritated that they even market the shit here. Talk about a fucking cock tease.
2.) Dodgy realtors – My roommate and I might as well have bent over, grabbed our ankles and bit our lips, because we got full on Brokebacked by a realtor this week. Looking for a place in San Francisco that is financially viable and not a shoebox is almost as much fun as a stint at Gitmo, but we finally thought we had a place. In fact, we fucking loved the place. It was beautiful, with hardwood floors and a gorgeous little back deck complete with our own little palm tree for chrissakes. Having charmed the pants off the “realtor” who was showing the place, and having been told that we were shoe–in’s, we applied for the place and waited. And waited. And waited some more. We loved the place so much that we stopped scavenging craigslist and waited TWO WEEKS. We even picked out a bad ass grill and patio furniture. Finally bitch-face calls us with a lame– “I’m sorry I guess I owe you a call, we rented the place”. WHORE. Are you too busy giving hand jobs to prospective tenants that you can’t pick up the phone and call and tell us you gave our place away to some yuppie scum? Really?
3.) Old nasty couples – Stop groping each other in public places. Please. I’m begging you. And really stop groping each other in restaurants when I’m trying to enjoy my food. I know you’re really psyched she got the boob job and your mullet has FINALLY grown out to just the right length, but spare me the ass caressing and the tongues.
4.) Sex – It’s EVERYWHERE. And I’m not having it. Commercials, sitcoms, buses, bill boards, music, blogs; all popping out at me like I have on those stupid 3-D glasses and conspiring to remind me that I’m NOT GETTING ANY.
Note to reader: regular ass is NOT to be underestimated.
5.) NO single friends. Not one. – Having just gotten out of a relationship I am looking for distraction, not necessarily looking for ass just yet, but looking for distraction. However, there will be a time in the future when I will need a partner in crime to go out and help me bestow my gifts (cough, cough) upon the straight men (all two of them) of San Francisco. However, somewhere along the way my previously single wingmen got ensnared in coupledom. I seriously don’t know how it happened but literally every god damn one of them is in a relationship and the next thing you know on Saturday night it’s all “Well, we’re staying in tonight and laying low” or “We’re going to so and so’s parents house for the weekend”. I realize the hypocrisy of my whining about this considering I was the worst offender but STILL, don’t you know the world revolves around me? Come on people, let’s party.
6.) Jennifer Love Hewitt – I was watching VH1 and they did some horrendous count down of top teen stars. JLH came on screen singing “Bare Naked” and I totally puked in my mouth. Shudder.
7.) Fat men pushing on the train - While your impression of Milton from Office Space is pretty funny, and I do enjoy you sputtering and accusing everyone around of pushing you- you’re sweating on me and it’s gross. Piss off.
8.) Stupid bumper stickers - Why must you invade my mental space when I’m walking home from work. Seriously?
“My kid beat up your honor student”, why don’t you just tattoo WHITE TRASH to your forehead and call it a day.
“What IS the hokey pokey all about?” Who. Fucking. Cares. Thanks for reminding me of it’s existence and getting it stuck in my head all day. Nice one.
9.) San Francisco Beer Festival – SOLD OUT. Enough said.
10.) Creepy Myspace Guys - I know I’m “single” now, but that doesn’t mean I’m blind. Thanks though, it’s touching.
Well, I hope you all can rest easier knowing that for just one day, there’s someone out there more irritated, cynical, and bitter, than you. Happy Thursday!
Kisses,
Lo
Last 5 posts by Lo
- Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
- To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
- Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
- Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
- Lo's Weekly Rant: I Call Bullshit. - October 5th, 2006
Thanks Lo! I was kind of having a bummer of a day until you reminded me that your life sucks way worse then mine.
1. I live in a place where I’m lucky if it drops BELOW 60 degrees in the Winter. We’ve already broken 100 degrees several times. So Summer Ale’s are always in season.
2. Got a nice little place already. Which will be even better if my lazy excuse for a landlord gets that damn deck built and hot tub put in! Let’s go FlatGreg!!!
3. There are no old people in Austin, TX. Are there? Maybe there hidden behind all those cute UT girls in hotpants and tank tops.
4. I’m doing just fine. Have a new girlfriend and everythings great.
5. Don’t really need ‘em right now, but I sitll try and make time for them every now and then.
6. Man, I love that song. Thanks for reminding me about it. I’ll have to upload it to my mp3 player tonight.
7. Hey, it’s not our fault we sweat so much. It’s a glandular problem. Plus, it’s already like 100 fucking degrees out.
8. You put your left hand in…..
9. I have my own beer festival every weekend in my liviing room. Mmmm, homebrew.
10. Sorry, I’ll leave you alone. See #4!
Lo, sounds like you need a vacation. Panhandle of Florida is quite warm recently. How are those cheerleading uniforms coming?
jr
Hey, why not take a drive/quick flight down to Los Angeles, where it’s already in the 70s?
Lazy J - You are now number 11! congratulations
JR - You hit the nail on the head with that one. Yeah, and I’m still learning to sew…it might be a while.
Word, ma. (I’m practicing my Brooklyn slang so I can keep it real even in India. Trust me, it’s nearly impossible - which brings me to my version of “oh yeah? if you think your life sucks sweaty balls you should peep mine.”) graphic enough for you?
Yes, Summer Ale is one of the treats that one usually anticipates this time of year. Although, I’m partial to Anchor Steam beer and Brooklyn Brewery’s products. Regardless, I gets nary a decent brew in this liquor-challenged place called Hyderabad. Sure, there’s Kingfisher but it’s Kingfisher…and there are no brats to go with it let alone cheeseburgers (cref. post about” Quarter Pounder with Cheese in India” - http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/4467016.) Moreover (I’m thinking that this reply may turn into my version of Luther’s 95 Theses - no, not Luther Vandross or Luther Campbell, but that German cat…I digress), don’t get me started on two of my favorite inanimate vices: scotch and wine. Let’s just say that the quality and variety are lacking here…
2. Um, yeah. That blows donkey chunks. Ever stop to wonder if “realtors” were actually the smart ones since they are riding the easy money wave? I’m not looking forward to my upcoming apartment search in now-overpriced Brooklyn when I get back in July. My roommate (lucky her) has found The Dude. They are moving in together so I need to pay more than I’d like to keep my 2BR or find a new place. Oh joy.
3. Ew. Ew. Fucking ew. Nasty bastiges. Reminds me of La-Di-Da-Di…”and with your wrinkled [expletive], I can’t be your loverrrrr.” Really though, there should be public flogging for that. Then again, I see no makeout action in this uptight place…which brings me to:
4. Sex. What’s that? I’m trying to figure it out: estimates say that as many as 1 in 7 Indians have HIV yet Bollywood censors French Kissing in films. SOMEBODY’S getting their groove on here. Not me, of course. Oh, and should I entertain the notion of meeting someone cute, I would do well to remind myself of both the statistics and the fact that bars/clubs close at MIDNIGHT here. Big Willie and the Twins will have to keep themselves company for sometime.
5. Like Spandau Ballet said, “I know this much it true.” I have some single pals to hang with but let’s see…how shall we put this delicately? Most eligible bachelors here are married by their mid- to late-20’s which means that there is a good reason for the guys near my age to be single - and it’s not because they like to party. Plus, I swear that some of the people here are 12 years old…guys on one side of the club, girls on the other. Ne’er the two shall meet. One girl actually ran away from me when I tried to talk to her. I know my game is tight, so maybe the smooveness scared her. Yeah, that’s it.
6. WTF is that, the “Talent-Free Barbie?” She looks digitally enhanced, like something that belongs on the cartoon network. Where’s the other Wonder Twin? Deactivate that shite.
7. Fat girls in saris. Put on some damned shorts and get in the frickin’ gym please. Better yet, do a real workout routine. I was in the gym this morning with two other people: the one dude who does his workouts barefooted (dude, you need to handle that) and the chubby lady who spent 20 minutes on the elliptical then proceeded to do exactly one set of lat pulldowns before making her exit. What the?! ONE SET? Lat pulldowns too. Weird. I was bored and tired of swatting mosquitoes while on the treadmill.
8. Driving in India PERIOD. Can the mofoes get a damned lane and stick with it?! Plus, what’s up with the autorickshaws? They look like souped-up lawnmowers. I BS you not…and the water buffalo in the streets. Who makes water buffaloes sacred? I feel like Fletch going to work everyday, “can someone hand me a towel? I just hit a water buffalo.”
9. Harumph.
10. Creepy Indian guys who stare at me and smile because they have never seen anyone who looks like me. Creepy male hotel staff who ask invasive questions like, “how long will you be here?” as soon as I walk out into the hallway to catch the elevator. Why? You gonna rob me beforehand? Stop focking staring at me and smiling with that vacant-eyed smile. That shite’s creepy. Creepy.
Okay, it’s almost Friday here. Happy Friday!
oh my.
i really do apologize for falling into the #5 category
but
maybe i can offer up excessive amounts of liquor and my hot tub to you in an attempt to make the end of the week at least semi-bearable? we’re cooking up passion fruit tilapia, something tropical always helps the sf fog blues…
awww lo…tis true that perhaps the “powers that be” have been a little bitchy lately….but alas, perspective is everything my friend….accentuate the positives….
(1) its almost fucking friday yo….which means we only got like 10 more hours up in this mutherfucker….or, if you, like me, prefer less convenentional measures of time: 85 more cigarrettes; 751 games of tetris; or, my personal favorite, 4,590,320 more visits to myspace till freedom bitches…FREEDOM!
(2) its fucking beautiful out yo….granted, your cube doesn’t really do it justice…but take it from a black grrl…its bangin outside…i should know…i just got in the office ten minutes ago and am leaving in 20….i’ll call you from the beach…
(3) you’re fucking HOT…seriously…SMOKING HOT…shit yo, even on a bad day i’d jump you…in fact, i’d do you right now…you game for a little lesbo lovin?
(4) DON’T EVEN TRY to tell me that the little hottie we met last night didn’t peak your interest just a little bit!!! HAHAHAHAHA…SUCKA…even i thought he was adorable…and i’m gayer than lazyj’s attempt to cheer you up….
and, most importantly….reason #5 to smile this fine thursday….
(5) you didn’t pull a hammie…
see….life is good….love you lo!!!
ok so i hate to do it but i have to……
deacon…i think you suck….why you gotta dog fat chicks who are trying to do something bout it? at least they’re AT the gym yo….you really do suck…ahhh, but alas, perhaps i should thank you…its men like YOU that keep the staight girls coming to me for more…..
#2 Distribute twatty realtor’s details in fun places like prison-dating websites and scatologists anonymous…
#5 Totally feel you on that. Two main things that deter me from any SF offers; gouge-high cost of living & zero population of straight men. How about a bulk order of mail-order grooms? That sould take care of #4 too. Just be sure to space them out to arrive once every week or so and stay for only a few days.
kimana…just returning the favor regarding the post on fat men. don’t get me wrong here - i don’t run around with “no fat chicks” buttons but you gotta admit that one set of lat pulldowns is going to do as much good for her lats as pooting is going to do for her glutes. lighten up - it was meant to be funny, not an indictment on big women.
…oh and my friday began in lovely fashion with some dude knocking on my door at 6 a.m. to pick up the garbage from my apartment. wtf? this place is frickin’ weird at times.
Married people should consider us newly/still single and invite us to stuff or at least not gloat…it is a form of discrimination against singles
Girls as hot as you Lo can have sex as often as they want, so what if it’s with a gay dude, just turn off the lights and give ‘em a little thumb at some point. If Jennifer Love Spewitt has sex, and you don’t, well, than the Universe should just implode, explode, or at least stick its thumb in someone’s ass.