Stamped: May 1st, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

It's that time again! At the beginning of every month, I tap into the heavans to provide all our readers with some hot images about how things appear to be unfolding. For May, I thought I'd freshen up my divining powers with the introduction of Girlspoke's first ever tarot card reading. Now, typically this would be a much more involved process including several cards instead of one, and likely an exchange of money. Since you're not paying me, I'll give you the abridged one-card version. Resist the urge to complain; I'm well versed in Black Magic.

Ok, everybody ready? Take a deep breath, exhale, and think about your life while I muster up the spirits…

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Ah, it appears that you will be unsatiable this month, my Aries. According to the Tarot, the spirits will give you some assistance with your sexual cravings. Specifically, they will help you learn how to masturbate with your foot.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It seems as if you may find yourself in an embarrassing situation at some point this month. You're going to feel vulnerable, and that's ok. Just remember that at least you have a sweet ass and that you're not the jackass wearing a frilly shirt.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Oh-la-la. Someone is going to be lovin' on you this month, Gemini. Or maybe you're the one doing the loving. Try to bear in mind that greed will only bring you misfortune. And possibly some internal bleeding.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

I know you don't enjoy being out of your comfort zone, Cancer, but it's in the cards for you this month. The best way to handle this is to adapt quickly. For example, if you're naked in public, most cultures will not cast stones if you are showing signs of affection for a seemingly pervy old man. Look for the nearest park bench and mount!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Well, aren't you lucky! You're shitting money this month, Leo! Who needs a giving tree when you've got a money-pooping ass! The cards also warn that this money is a tad bit dirty, so either clear your conscience or get some of that rubbing alcohol hand-sanitizer.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Oh, you're so in love this month! You're going to feel completely at ease in your lover's arms, like you were born to screw for eternity! The tarot also hints that someone may try to tarnish your love this month. Or, maybe you'll just be having sex outside and a pretty white bird will shit on you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Hmm…now this is interesting. Evidently you're going to attend some kind of Eyes Wide Shut gathering this month. So, let's learn from Tom Cruise's mistakes, ok? Know the fucking password or just start screwing the first girl that gives you the slightest attention. Don't waste your opportunities, moron!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Uh, well…you see, the uh….the penis here…oh Christ. This is painful to even consider. I think the best advice you can get from the Tarot this month is that you need to look out for you. Know what I mean? Be your number one fan, and for the love of God, please have a doctor look at that rash!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Well, well, well. You're going to be making a bit of a power play this month, and things will go rather swell for you. The cards are suggesting, however, that your arrogance or pompous demeanor will ultimately lead to a swift kick in the ass. Or a bite in the groin. Be nice to the hookers, ok?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

There's certainly no mincing words here, Capricorn. The person you are dating is a douchebag. Either that, or you should consider investing in one of those Real Doll contraptions. Or, quite possible, both are true for you this month.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Hehe. You were totally busted weren't you? What happened? A parent? Boss? The cleaning lady? Hoo-boy, that's rough, my friend! But hey, we've all been there at one point are another, right? The cards are suggesting that at least you get seen in a more impressive position next time, mkay? High five!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Listen, you're totally confused, aren't you? It's ok to experiment you know. Well, I mean, with people. If you're actually thinking that Baxter or Fluffy are looking hot this month, then you should crawl directly into your fireplace and burn in Hell, you sick, sick fuck.

Ok, everybody all set? That was fun! Well, mildly disturbing at times, but also super fun. I hope you all heed the warnings of the Jenna Tarot…especially those with any funky rashes, sexual confusion, or prostitutes attached to their penises.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007