Stamped: May 15th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, hot sex, just plain stupid, living abroad.

Disclaimer: This post may offend certain cultures. If you feel insulted after reading this, you are probably an idiot and should grow a thicker skin.

A little while back I wrote a piece on how us chicks get the proverbial shaft when it comes to porn. Well, my favorite spooning partner, Meme, sent me a link about how women deal with this issue over in Japan. I guess she must have seen the article in one of her Bondage & Kink issues. But back to my point. After reading about what these chicks are doing over in Asia, I am feeling much better about our ability to adapt.

Meet Chifumi Konno, a young lady who is in the business of making house calls for sex (or, as they say in Japan, in the business of "delivery health"). Chifumi, other than having an unfortunate name that kind of makes one speculate about her odor, wants to break the news to her fellow female horn-dogs of Japan that there are now male sex dolls available for women. These dolls are already popular with the men of Japan and are known as Dutch Wives.  Personally, I can't shake the childhood memory of swimming in my neighbor's pool with one of those blow-up tubes, and having my skin rubbed raw after only moments of wading with the damn thing.

But I'll cut to the chase. Chifumi experiments with a few varieties of these, erection-included, blow-up dolls, and here's what she's got to say about them…

The first of Konno's four "boyfriends" is named "Masaki." Although youthful, the expression painted on his rubber face, Konno writes, didn't look happy at all — but more like he's about to start sobbing any second…

Although bathing together in a love hotel's spacious tub is generally a prerequisite for cavorting atop the bed, Ms. Konno found to her frustration that no amount of force could immerse the inflatable "Masaki" below the water's surface.
And once in bed, his foreplay technique proved nonexistent.
Then, assuming the missionary position, the moment of truth arrived. "I coated his pecker with lotion and used a hand to slip him into me," she relates. "He was . . . big. But on top of me nothing happened."

Oh dear. Well, what we've got here is a failure to communicate. And by that I mean that no one told this genius that the doll, though visually prepared to fuck, is still yet a doll; therefore, it will probably not touch you in all the right places. And I'm pretty sure that you don't need to wine and dine them with bubble baths and champagne.

I read on, hoping that Chifumi would learn as she went along. Not so much.

Next on the list was "John," a Western import featuring three-dimensional facial features (i.e., a big nose), hairy chest and bushy moustache. And John's, er, equipment was also proportionally larger than his Japanese rivals. Indeed, during her stint as a sex industry worker, Ms. Konno had never encountered such a huge tallywhacker, and wasn't the least bit interested in being impaled upon it. So that was that.

Chifumi, Chifumi, Chifumi. Don't we all know the addage, beggars can't be choosers? Well, we've got a woman in a spot of desperation. Hell, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt; maybe it's just curiosity. So she's fooling around with some inflated plastic and the fates smile upon her with a large "tallywhacker." Odd names for a penis aside, did this woman just scoff at the idea of a well-endowed model? If this doesn't discredit her expertise as a professional, I'm sure nothing will.

Oh wait…it gets better…

Last but not least was "Ken Ijuin," a high-tech "Dutch husband" made of semi-solid material. And so realistic, writes Konno, "He was like a corpse. Gave me the creeps at first."
Ken's male root was bigger than John's, but the angle of his dangle was lower — "about what you'd expect from a 60-year-old man," Konno sniffs — and his rubbery, chemical body odor, which a bath did nothing to alleviate, was a big turnoff.
Ms. Konno was able to accommodate about half of Ken's shaft without undue discomfort, and said it was actually starting to feel like the real thing; but compared with a human partner the difference was still "undei no za" (as different as the clouds and mud), as they say in Japanese.

Like a corpse? What exactly are you expecting from a fake body that you're going to attempt to copulate with? And dangle? I mean, that alone is enough to make me cringe, but then you throw in the old man reference? What kind of sick person are you, Chifumi?! And then there's the repeated attempts to get these things into tubs of water. I dunno. I guess she's clean if nothing else.

I just hope that, if nothing else, you are all well aware of your sex-toy options during your next business trip to Japan. Oh, and that prostitutes are dumb. Very, very dumb.

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