Stamped: June 5th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Last month, we did tarot cards and that seemed to work out pretty well for everybody. I mean, everybody likes a picture, right? To continue with this, I've decided to read your palms this month. All in all, this worked out fairly nicely, but some of you are in dire need of some personal hygiene instruction. Ahem, not that I'm going to point fingers, Acquarius.

So let's get on with it, shall we?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Oh, Aries. Do you not know how this works? You cannot draw a picture of your hand. I need to see the actual thing. Are you trying to hide something from me? Have you been improperly asserting your powers? Naughty in bed? These aren't necessarily bad things, you know. Don't be so ashamed! Embrace your improprieties!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you're in better shape. Though, you are aware that your head line is nearly glowing, glowing purple I might add. Typically, the purple is a good sign, but not on your head. Not to startle you or anything, but this is a dire situation. You need to relieve some pressure that is causing this purple hue. This month, get your release any way you can. As long as you prevent the appearance of any green, you should be straight.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Should I be surprised, my fancypants Gemini? If this isn't a sign that you need to tone things down a bit, I'm not sure what is. You've got to slow it down, my friend. Or, as Prince, your icon, says, Baby you're much too fast. We all know that you're a bit on the flashy side, but when I can no longer read you, then things are entirely way out of hand. Pun definitely intended.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

What the eff, Cancer? You're obviously feeling mighty fine about yourself this month. Confidence is certainly essential, but we don't need another Tom Cruise running rampant. Keep your limitations in mind this month; remember that you are fallible. Losing site of your, well, mortality, is going to leave you with some serious medical bills, whether they be from that unfortunate skydiving incident or from the merciless beat-down you recieved from your former friends.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Whoa! Leo, is that a wedding ring I see on your finger?! Hoo, boy. Here's the thing: when you're committed to something or someone, you actually need to be committed. Maintaining a facade is not only cheating your partner, but it's also cheating you. One life, my darling. Live it well. In other words, ball up and stop dancing in limbo. You've got so much more open to you when you're living it out.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Whoa, dude. You're like glowing with something that I can only assume is toxic. Have you been spending time with Taurus, by chance? Regardless, you also seem to be in overdrive of sorts. You always seem to have a lot of shit on your plate, but this month, things are going to get dangerously close to your breaking point. I'd recommend removing something small from your To-Do list, like maybe that pornography review writing. Something's gotta give.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Ok, freakshow. Are you actually trying to be weird or is it just coming naturally to you this month? Fuck the whole aura thing; you've got a damn solar system floating around you this month. Needless to say, this is not necessarily a good thing. Here's the cure: dump new age yoga person that you met at the gym, start eating more red meat, and forget about that therapist. Visit as many dive bars as possible this month and your weird vibes should be sufficiently negated. Plus, it helps that Lost is off season; hearing you talk about that show is like watching my dog chase his tail. It's kinda cute, but also fully pitiful.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Ok, so you've got a small hand. Big deal! Yeah, I know about that Violent Femmes lyric, but I'm pretty sure those guys are all gay anyway, right? I think it's all about the feet. Big feet, I know you're the one. But I digress…your palm. Aww, it is really cute. You know, in a fully manly way. I can't really make it out, but I think that line up top means…wait. That doesn't make sense. Are you sure this is your palm and not that of a porcelain doll? I'm getting some odd readings that remind me an awful lot of Child's Play. You're either fully immature or an inanimate sociopath. Either way, I think I'd like you to leave.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Hey, thanks for color coding all these lines for me! Some of these other signs are quite difficult, but you are such a team player. Ah, you've alphabetized them too! A bit overkill, but whatever. I mean, I am the professional here; it's not like I wouldn't be able to figure out the lines on my own, kissass. Seriously, this month, you really need to stop trying so hard. You're insulting the intelligence of those around you, not to mention passing yourself off as utterly desperate.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You've got an interesting situation here, Capricorn. I know you're not an idiot, so I'm going to have to go with my other logical option: you're completely fucking wasted. I didn't think I'd need to have this conversation with you off all signs, but it seems I must. Capricorn, there comes a time in a person's life when you need to leave behind your college days and all the antics therein. You may think you're the life of the party, or boardroom for that matter, but you need to hear what they're all saying after you pass out on the floor. It really isn't cute at all.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Ew, Acquarius. Have you been incarcerated recently? Playing with your CSI toy kit? Something's awry with you this month and you have no ability to hide your transgressions. If you continue on with whatever mischievous thoughts you're nurturing, you'll be caught in no time. can you handle that, Mr. Popularity? I personally don't think so, but your fate is fully in your hands this month. Whatever your decision, I strongly urge you to wash your them either way.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

What's with the hippie shit, Pisces? You were doing so well last month, not letting your emotions get the best of you. This month, you're obviously going to feel a strong pull back to the enemy. Stand your ground, my hippie child! You are totally stronger than this. Well, sometimes you are. I mean, you have to admit, sometimes you're just a big pile of mush. Let's not let that happen this month.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

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